Hello World....Here we Are!

The day following our departure from the hospital was filled with appointments and tests for Elle & tears and frustration for myself....


We had to be a Northside Outpatient bright and early. Elle was born with jaundice & spent the four days of our hospital stay doing phototherapy to address it. By the end of our stay her level was low enough for her to go home, sans the phototherapy bed which FYI the hospital was going to send us home with if need be. Luckily, that wasn't necessary. But we had to make sure that her progress was still moving in the right direction hence our visit back to Northside. When we arrived my sweet girl was sound asleep and bundled up which made me uneasy when it came time to peel off the layers so that her little foot could get pricked. But to my surprise she didn't cry at all! I was such a proud mama :)


Before I lead you to believe that I was cool, calm and collected let me be honest. I cried in the waiting room. First, I was in a lot of pain. I hadn't gotten my prescriptions filled yet and the meds I had taken before leaving the hospital had worn off. Every step, breath & cough was extremely painful enough to cause tears on there own but let's not forget to factor in my emotional state. I didn't like not being able to drive, I couldn't carry Elle in the car seat because it was way to heavy, and I was walking like a eighty year old lady. Que the waterworks! But after I expressed that to my mom and Don I felt A LOT better and was able to move through the rest of the day with no problem. After the hospital we went and had breakfast. This is what my babygirl spent the day looking like...quiet and peaceful.

Our next appointment was with the pediatrician. I spent the visit taking pictures of everything from her head being measured to her being weighed. One of my favorite moments was when Elle made a bowel movement as we waited for the doctor. Just when we thought she was done, she wasn't! As my mom was telling me to put down the camera and get some wipes and a new pad I kept clicking away. Since you probably don't want to see it I'll spare you. Guess it's just one of the things only a mother can appreciate. Our pediatrican is absolutely fabulous! I met her over the summer and knew right away that she was a perfect fit for us.



Here she is with my Elle :)




Our final stop of the day was at Wal-Mart which meant time to get mom some much needed medicine! I was in so much pain that there was no way I could walk around so my mom pushed me around in a wheelchair...gotta love moms!

XOXO

November 28th, 8:45pm

When I left the doctor's office on Wednesday (11/24) this is what I knew: my dr. talked to the nurse about her inappropriate-ness & apologized, he was impressed with the e-mail I sent him and didn't think the title "Receptionist" was doing me any justice (LOVES IT! PS-one day I will be "Office Manager") BUT most importantly I could go into labor ANY day.

Thanksgiving came and went. It was a really good day. Just me, mom, don & grams. Lots of good food, delicious apple cobbler and a ton of rest.

Saturday marked a very important day for my Georgia Bulldogs, we were scheduled to play Tech at 8:00. Nothing better then a good ol' in-state rivalry and a prime-time time slot. I did manage to get some cleaning and organizing in even though it was more like doing stuff for five or ten minutes then laying down for a half-hour. Not exactly productivity at its finest but it's all I had to give.

Telling this story in hindsight comes with pros & cons. On one hand I can close my eyes and remember it like it was yesterday but not being able to do this in the moment makes me feel like I'm bound to leave something out. But here goes nothing...

Contractions hurt! Hurt doesn't really do the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life quite the justice it deserves. So just to make sure I'm being clear here are some synonyms of the word hurt: aggrieved, agonized, busted up, impaired, in pain, suffering, unhappy, etc., etc., so on and so forth. Looking back on conversations I had about pregnancy and birth the topic of contractions was very conveniently skipped. I. Understand. I think I've done as good as job as I could in conveying this to my girlfriends because as the days past it's honestly becoming more of a distant memory. Here's to forgetting and at the same time remembering all that pain brings life into the world. All I can say is I'm honored to be following in the path of the women before me...lol.
When the first contraction hit I knew it meant get the hell up and get to the hospital. Here's the thing though, I looked an utter mess & my hospital bag was only half packed. Ironically, what was in the bag had been put there the night before. So when I thought it was safe I got up, changed my outfit, fixed my hair, spruced up my face and made it next door to where my parents were all before the next contraction hit. I sat at the top of the stairs and called my doctor. Contraction. I moved to the couch and through another contraction spoke with the advice nurse who ultimately said, "Ma'am call your doctor and go to the hospital." In the car and exiting the subdivision I heard from my doctor. Insert relief. The ride to the hospital can at best be described as hilarious. I sent some texts and did manage to talk on the phone twice. My mom and grams had a conversation about a thrift store my grams had went to earlier in the day. It was in buckhead and definitely on the nicer side of thrift establishments. Grams said they had nice coats/jackets for five or six bucks and my mom asks if that included furs. All I could do was laugh. Really mom? Grams busts out with if that were the case she would have bought one. Finally...driving down 285. In all I had three contractions. Yelling, crying, gripping the side of the seat for dear life, breathing and this on repeat in my head..."it's your first baby. this is going to take some time." Please say it ain't so.
The hospital tour paid off as we sped up to the Labor and Delivery entrance. Turned on the hazards. I opened the car door, stood up and quickly realized I needed to sit back down and wait for the wheelchair patiently. As I'm rolled up to the check-in desk, contraction, tears, and the filling out of paperwork. Just a few minutes go by and I've got my room assignment and me and my mom are in route. I get my instructions to disrobe & soon have two very constricting and uncomfortable straps around my stomach monitoring mine and Elle's vitals. Now when the contractions hit there is a machine that shows it beginning and ending. Comforting huh? I'm laying on my side crying. Everyone is telling me to breathe through the contractions but that's easier said then done. I felt helpless against the pain. All I could think of was how much more of this I was in store for because all that pain had only lead me to being dilated one centimeter.


Only nine more to go...or so I thought. Our vitals would be normal and then all of sudden not. Normal. Not. After playing the "roll to your other side" game it became clear that there was a chance I wouldn't be delivering my daughter as planned. Because in what felt like a matter of only minutes it went from "you could end up having a cesarean" to "you're having a cesarean." Enter epidural. Contraction. I squeezed the nurses hand as she very nicely in a whisper told me that I couldn't move and sacrificed her hand to help me through two painful experiences happening simultaneously. I could only take one person in the operating room with me. Although my first choice my mother when she returned to the room after updating everyone waiting in the lobby she asked how I felt about my sister being with me instead. And that was that. She was right there with me as my Elle came into the world.



Meet the Brown's! This was mine & Elle's first picture together :)

I'm a MOM! XOXO

Acceptance...

Last night I went to dinner with a friend in what could best be described as a step towards reconciliation. Our time was filled with catching up, discussing Elle & briefly addressing how we were going to move forward with one another. When all was said and done I was left taking a hard and honest look at the person that I am.

As my pregnancy nears the end and with delivery in the horizon I've come to accept and embrace all the qualities that make me who I am. The: good. bad. ugly. crazy. emotional. sensitive (and insensitive). judgemental. competitive. perfectionist. I have issues when it comes to communication. Sometimes I think before I speak to a fault and don't end up saying what I mean how I mean to. I avoid confrontation at all costs and have learned that there really is no way to. Sometimes the only option left is to just argue it out. The old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" couldn't be more flawed. Words hurt. More than I even realized they were capable of. Forgetting is just as hard as forgiving.

ac⋅cept⋅ance/[ak-sep-tuhns]:

1.The act or process of accepting.
2.The state of being accepted or acceptable.
3.Favorable reception; approval.
4.Belief in something; agreement.

fifteen days to go! XOXO

One Flaw in Women...

Women have strengths that amaze men...
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN...

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

I just read this and couldn't help but share it! XOXO

That's Just my Baby-Daddy

My morning started off well enough. Only mildy irritated by my mother. Took my usual exit off the highway to bypass traffic. Treated myself to Chick-fil-A & even decided to walk-in because the drive-thru line was ridiculous. Surprise...there was no one inside so in just a matter of minutes I had my chicken biscuit and was back on the road heading to the dr's office. I had cash on me today & got to park in the deck (FYI-last week no such luck. I had to park across the street where they take debit cards. Lesson. Learned.)

Soon enough I've grabbed a magazine (Working Mother. Never read it before. Pretty interesting. Think I'm gonna start a subscription.), my presence has been noted by the dr's assistant who is being quite chatty with me. This is out of the ordinary for her but after some small talk I'm left reading and listening to Steve & Vicki. When I'm finally called back for the customary weigh-in & urine sample the dr's assistant (whose name I should know but don't because she's not my fave) starts to ask me some "questions." I feel the quotation marks are necessary because it doesn't take long to realize that she's just being nosy. I guess it's naïve on my part to think that after nine months of showing up to these appointments alone, inquiring minds wouldn't be just a wee bit curious...right? BUT...it's none of her business! Last I checked she was there to weigh me, do whatever it is she does with my urine sample, & stand in the room with my dr. as he conducts the appointment. I didn't just mention be a nosy rosy, now did I?
Her first question seemed normal enough. She wanted to know who was going to be in the delivery room. I told her my mom, dad, sister (who I'm still not speaking with at the moment & could possibly not actually be there) & my best friend. Her response...your dad? Yes. Did I stutter? My father. Who I have asked to cut the umbilical cord. She follows up by asking me if the father knows. I'm standing there dumbfounded. Thinking to myself did she really just ask me that. Wait. I think she did. I said excuse me? Took a deep breath and remained composed because after all I haven't come this far to have just anybody deliver my daughter. I told her as a matter of fact he did and added (you didn't think that was it...did you? lol) that I strongly doubted I'm the first woman to walk into there office without "the father" & I strongly doubt I'm the last. As for the rest of the appointment, it went along as normal. I took a nap while I waited, got my blood pressure checked, heard Elle's heartbeat, cervix checked, and had the instructions of when I'm supposed to call reiterated. See you next Wednesday!

I've been playing this back to myself all morning and feeling judged...sucks. The life we are living and creating for ourselves is all about choices. Clearly the one's I made that resulted in getting pregnant are well rather obvious. If you've read any of my past posts then the choice DaddyWarBucks made is crystal clear as well, although not final in any respect for the time being it is what it is. I'm choosing to have a happy & healthy pregnancy since I want a happy & healthy Elle. And when I put my hurt feelings aside I'm not ashamed or disappointed in Vanessa (FYI-I'm a sucker for 3rd person...lol). I could very well be giving birth to the next Tyra Banks, you can thank me later :)

nineteen days to go! XOXO

He's Just Not That into You, but...

I just read this article: http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#1IT0xw/www.momlogic.com/2009/11/i_think_he_likes_my_kid_more_than_me.php/

It wasn't a scenario I had run through my head prior to reading but I guess anything really is possible. It made me laugh! Remember that episode of Will & Grace, when Will is dating this guy he really isn't that into but is totally in love with the dog? So he ends up sticking around a lil' longer.

Like the old & over-used saying goes: He's Just Not That into You (but your kid is a totally different story....lol)

still at twenty-three days & counting. XOXO

Hormones. I mean Honey.

Someone said this to me recently and I found it both hilarious and honest. The truth of the matter is I couldn't be more hormonal if I tried....

Here's the thing I've decided that it's not my doing. These moments arise and bring out the hellion in me.

There was Wal-Mart. First, I pose a question: Is there proper etiquette for the self-check-out lines? I happen to believe there is. When all the stations are being used you form a "general admission line" (i.e. you stand sort of centered between the two sides. one behind another.) and when the check-out station becomes available you approach, check-out, pay and then it becomes someone else's turn. Simple enough...right? Hmmmm...not so much for this man I'm going to refer to as Baldy. Well, Baldy didn't see things the way I just presented them. His take on it was line up behind the person checking out and call your dibs from the very beginning. I was in line behind another gentleman who asked him what he was doing & explained what proper etiquette consists of. Baldy said that if he'd like he could just go ahead of him but that he wasn't going to do it that way. [Enter Vanessa from behind] Are you serious? You've got to be kidding me? Could you be more rude! After sizing me up and realizing that I was just some loud pregnant lady he scoffed & turned around. If I could have I would have kicked him, right at the knee from behind and enjoyed his slow & ultimately painful descent to the ground. No. Such. Luck.
Upon exiting and making the trek back to my car there was a car starting to reverse out of there parking spot. Clearly, they saw me because they stopped...for a moment that is and proceed to continue to pull out of there spot. I in turn stood there: hand on hip very matter of factly expressing to them my disgust for lack of the respect for pedistrians...i.e. me. In my mind I pictured myself doing the Karate Kid jump this time on the trunk & not the hood as in the movie. I'm not sure what I would have done after that. I didn't get that far in my montage...LOL! I definitely would have kicked some butt though.

Then there was my mother. She kept me waiting for an hour and fifteen minutes! I had a plan to get the furniture moved around and be in front of the t.v. watching kickoff at 7:00. That. Didn't. Happen. When I do finally hear from her she doesn't even address the fact that I've been waiting all this time for her. This is where I turn into a sobbing mess. And after using my fine tuned scare-tactics I'm left in my house alone struggling to just push my nightstand out of the way. Enter more tears. Just seconds later I SOS for help, talk to my mom, get the furniture moved & watch Georgia win. Kinda like a half-hour episode of Full House...huh?! LOL.

Moral of the Story: To know me is to love me :)

twenty-three days to go! XOXO

In Honor of Elle

I'm going to start by saying that I'm extremely loved and blessed to have the family, friends, and support that I do. This whole bringing life into the world thing is full of ups and downs; and, not having the person you enjoyed those ten minutes with by your side through the tears, cravings and exhaustion...sucks. That being said, on with the celebrating!

I was fortunate enough to have two amazing baby showers. The first put together by the wonderful and generous women of my church. I asked for a diapers & wipes shower after reading about one online. I thought it'd be a great way to start gathering some essentials. Yes, Elle is going to be beautiful & dressed impeccably but she'll be spending most of her time pooping, drooling and crying. I was literally brought to tears when I walked in. It was so much more than I had anticipated it being. To have women that didn't know me give with such open hearts was overwhelming. The cake was adorable, the food was delish, the gifts just kept coming & the conversation was priceless. It was a fabulous time! Boxes of diapers, wipes, diaper rash ointment (which we later joked shouldn't be needed with all the diapers and wipes I received, LOL), some very cute outfits, gift cards & a diaper bag to die for! My car was even loaded for me and when all was said & done I car full of goodies. The most special gift of all was a journal that was passed around throughout the shower and filled with scriptures & thoughts of encouragement. After all this how could I possibly doubt that God doesn't have a plan for me?



(The awesome cake & equally awesome Melanie who put everything together!)

My second shower was thrown by Elle's Godmothers, Rebecca & Tracy. It was a fabulous afternoon filled with delicous food (courtesy of the Flying Biscuit...yummers!), a beautiful cake (courtsey of Michelle), games, gifts and most special my girlfriends. Some of who I hadn't seen in ages! It was great to have the chance to catch up & visit with them. It was also nice to introduce the new additions of my life to the older ones. One of my close girlfriends just had a baby and she brought her along for the fun too! It was great and equally hilarious to see her in action. It was priceless watching her hold a bottle with her elbow and use her other free hand to eat a piece of turkey bacon. Oh, what I have to look forward too :) On an even funnier note when we finally got home my Grams got out the car holding two ballons. Something told me to take them from her but when nature calls as a pregnant lady you better hurry up and answer or suffer the embrassing consequences. When I walked out to the living room Grams only had one ballon. I walked outside and my mom looked at me and just started laughing. She saw everything. I wish I had. She ended up letting the one I really liked loose. Guess I'll always have my memories....






(Me, Mom & Grams; My favorite picture from the shower; The beautiful & delish cake.)

twenty-seven days to go! XOXO

Reality Check-Time

This past weekend I FINALLY went on the hospital tour. Prior to this I had registered three times and each time for either this reason or the other I never made it. When it comes to me it's always something. And it wasn't until the most recent time I missed it that I actually read the confirmation letter they sent. It contained words both using underlined and bold font, and very plainly stated that if you are late and the tour has started....you are not welcome to partake in the festivities. That's why this time I vowed it would be different. With a party of five it was essential that everyone know that I would leave without them if they were not at the car at the designated time. Harsh but ultimately necessary.

The tour didn't start till' noon (previous attempts I had signed up for the 9:00 am departure); we left at 10:30 arrived a mere thirty or so minutes later, parked the car and decided to burn our minutes eating lunch at the Mickey D's located on the second floor cafeteria. Which I have to say had some of the slowest service I had ever experienced in fast-food dining. It was painful to watch. But in no time at all we were wrapping up & heading back to the atrium to start the tour.

Being that I travel with an entourage we were on the family tour which meant there was a good chance there would be some children involved. Luckily, it was too bad. It was us (me, mom, don, grams & sam), a couple, and a family consisting of mom, dad and two sons (both around nine and ten and boy were they a handful....LOL). After exchanging pleasantries we were walked through what will happen when we arrive on D-day. Rather fitting...huh? D-day=delivery day...LOL. Work with me :) Our guide showed us where we walk & sign-in at. The labor and delivery room (LDR) where the main event takes place. It was so surreal to be sitting in the very room I'll be bringing my baby girl into the world in. Writing about it now starts the water works. I'm so happy to have the end in sight and be so close to meeting her. Meanwhile, the husband who made up the other half of the couple on the tour asked lots of questions that I found comic relief in. Such as:

(1) Is there a doctor on call? Here's the thing. You call your doctor and they call the hospital. I guess that part went right over his head, LOL! FYI-In cases where the mom hasn't gotten pre-natal care & doesn't have her own doctor they use the one on-call. I know I haven't come this far with my doctor to not have him be the one to deliever my Elle.

(2) Are there times where there are more women then beds available? I think he was getting freaked out with the numbers our guide was throwing out there. But I swear he asked if they would just leave his wife in the hallway on a gurney. Really dude? You're at Northside. There is a reason so many women choose to have there babies there. And I'm pretty sure that being left in the hallway isn't one of em'. Our guide assured him that they wouldn't park his wife in the hallway & that there are times when occupancy is higher than capacity allots; but, he had no reason to worry or work himself up. Everything would be taken care of accordingly.

Next, we headed upstairs to what they've termed "family (something or other) pods." We saw the nursery, where you can send your baby to whenever you'd like. We saw what the rooms look like. And finished up in front of the birth certificate office. Where we were told to make sure we turn the form in before leaving the hospital (DUH!) and to check the box to start the process for applying for the social security number. Throughout the tour we saw three or four mom's being rolled out with there baby & belongings. It was so sweet. Although I do plan on having my hair done and wearing a minimal amount of make-up...that's gonna be me! It was another stop, think and realize moment. This is really happening and when I push the nerves aside, I know that I'm ready.

Oh, one other fun thing we covered were pictures. If you know me then you know I'm all about the pictures. So before you take that stroll to the curb you'll have a chance to have some photos taken and put on anything from a ceramic bootie to a handbag. I pretty much fell in love with everything.

twenty-nine days to go! XOXO

The Home Stretch

Today marks thirty days to go. Or possibly less. I think it'd be great to have a Thanksgiving baby...lol :) This week my weekly visits to the dr's start too. I'm hoping this means time is going to start flying by. Something tells me that isn't the case considering all last week I couldn't wait for it to be this week and although it's finally here I won't hold my breath.

In other good news I've got a crib & stroller waiting for me to pick-up from Wal-Mart. AH, gotta love procrastination. (PS-I can't even begin to tell you how many ideas and plans I've gone through. I absolutely love what I've decided on but I guess part of the process is falling in love with every picture of a nursery you see.) I saw the e-mail last night and if I could have had it my way we would have jumped in the car and got it. But alas, it was a no-go. With all the gifts I STILL need to unpack and put away my time was definitely better used putting a dent in all of that. I'm nowhere near done but I'm supposed to be entering this nesting phase, so I'll continue at the speed I'm at until either that happens or I talk my mom into it.

really just a month? YIKES! XOXO

Blogging to win...

Here are some contests I'm entering. From @theshoppingmama via twitter. Part of the entry process includes blogging about them. Crossing my fingers for a win!

1. Boon Flair High Chair

Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/11/boonflairhighchairgiveaway/ & here's the link to the company who makes the fabulous high chair: http://www.booninc.com/

2. Boppy Pillow

Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/10/boppy-pillow-a-must-have-baby-product-all-about-baby-giveaway/ & here's the link to the company that makes the fabulous pillow: http://www.boppy.com/

3. Medela Freesyle Breastpump

Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/10/medela-freestyle-breastpump-all-about-baby-giveaway/ & here's the link to the awesome breastpump: http://www.medelafreestyle.com/

4. Beaba Babycook
Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/11/beabababycookgiveaway/ & here's the link to the company:http://scandanavianchild.com/ & here's how to make babyfood: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/07/howtomakebabyfood/


You can enter and win too. Good Luck!

Cue the Trumpets!

Although it appears that I fell of the grid today marks my triumphant return (insert fanfare). I'm officially back! I know you missed me...

Its been fifteen weeks and three days. I. Know. Horrible. But after some re-vamping and the inspiration of other mom bloggers I'm glad to just be back to narrating the going's on and happening's. To catch you up, the short version goes something like this: I was twenty weeks pregnant moving ever so slowly through my second trimester. Today I'm at thirty-five weeks, nearing the end of my third trimester and just a matter of weeks from the delivery of my precious baby girl. In the midst of having a very special friendship fall apart I found solidarity in another one. I've come to absolutely cherish my mother and our relationship. Without her this would be a very different experience. I've found strength in my tears and faith in knowing I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and have let go of needing to understand why. I'm finally enjoying it. All of it: uncomfortable sleep, middle of the night leg cramps, being unable to take cold or allergy medicine, limited bending capabilities, and then ofcourse there is wrestling with my emotions. I've felt it all and at this juncture I'm pretty sure I've said it all too.

I'm happy being me. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm vain. Conscious of packing on the pregnancy lbs. Only twenty-nine pounds so far & I was recently told I only look four or five months along (all I can say is THANK YOU MOM!) I'm constantly reading. I've managed to get around the inevitable pregnancy side effects like drinking tons of h20 to avoid swollen feet. FYI-I made it this far minus any swelling :) Competitiveness comes naturally. I plan and organize to an extent that makes sense to few. This is the way I always knew I'd be.

thirty-three days to go! XOXO

A Good Laugh

I was in the car this morning and listening to the radio. There was a person on the show who recently gave birth and they used to play this song in her honor, it was hilarious! Of course I had to look up the lyrics and share:

Pregnant Women are Smug

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they're pregnant

Effing son of a gun

You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps

Now that you're pregnant

I can't count all the ways how

You speak in cliches now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or a girl?

Kate: Oh, doesn't matter as long as it's healthy

Riki: Really? 'Cause I don't feel that those two things are related. It's not like one or the other.

Kate: Oh, really, as long as it's healthy.

I can't wait to hear someone say

"Don't care if it's brain dead

Don't care if it's limbless

If it has a penis"

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they're pregnant

This zen world you're enjoying

Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or girl?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Riki: What you're gonna name it?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Riki: Who's the father?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Bitch, I don't really care

I was being polite

Since you have no life now

That you're pregnant

You say you're walking on air

You think that you're glowing

But you've been ho'ing

And now your pregnant

You're just giving birth now

You're not mother earth now

Riki: Oh my gosh, I've got so much going on. I got my novel published, I moved, I got married.

Kate: Gosh, you know, everything seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.

Riki: Well, I also helped end gang violence in Mexico when...

Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant. Everything else seems so meaningless.

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they're pregnant

Effing son of a gun

You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps now

Now that you're pregnant

A Light Bulb Moment

Being pregnant has given me the opportunity to not only get to know myself in a new way but take a closer look at the important relationships in my life. They say it takes a village to raise a child and boy do I get it now. I'm so absolutely privileged to have the people that are a part of my life. It's truly how I've learned that it's about the length of time you've known someone it's about the quality of time you've shared with them, two of the most special people in my life I haven't known more than a year and one of them is going to have one of the coveted positions of god mother. Then there are people who I've known for years, for instance my best friend. Recently, there's been a distance between us and it spawns from my pregnancy. It's really shown me things I didn't know about myself. For one, if you mess with my child you mess with me (suppose those are the maternal instincts kicking in...lol). I've adopted an "either your with me or against me" mentality and thus far haven't looked back. I think for the first time I'm taking a stand for what I believe in and I'm making no apologies for it. It feels good but I see that not everything is as black & white as I treat it. It wasn't until we spoke recently that I realized how much I missed her and how much she had missed in the past few months of my pregnancy. Up until then I just couldn't see past my hurt feelings. I'm looking forward to reconnecting and having be a part of this crazy time. I have another friend one I think I actually hurt. She's someone for the longest I considered my best friend. We've shared a lot together. But it took me a very long time to see that we placed different value on our friendship. We spent time alienated from one anothers lives but somehow have managed to find a way to bond again. I missed a special moment that she actually wanted me to be a part of. I think most of the reason I'm surprised by that is because I've accepted that maybe our friendship wasn't everything I defined it as. I felt incredibly bad because it wasn't purposeful it really was an accident. I hope in time she'll forgive me and we'll continue to share in the experience of soon to be motherhood together.

I couldn't possibly end this without speaking about the most important person of all...my mom. I'd be lying if I said the beginning of my pregnancy wasn't rocky between the two of us. But I can say that being able to communicate and listen as allowed us to strengthen our bond. I know unequivocally that she loves me and is there for me. We recently had a heart-to-heart and she understood me in a way that I didn't even understand myself. It was amazing! She's my rock and I'm incredibly lucky to have her support and love.

PS-sending love to rebecca, tracy, candace & kyi....love you girls!

mommy to be. XOXO

Drumroll Please...

I found out last week that I'll be having a....GIRL! I'm so incredibly positively excited. My baby girl is on the way! I went to visit another doctor not really sure under what pretense, oh how I love being in the loop. Not too long into the visit I figured out why I was actually there. I have hydrocephalus, which basically means that the fluid around my brain at one time was causing pressure and close to unbearable pain. So I have a shunt which is a tube that drains out the fluid and I haven't had a problem since. The thing is it's usually something that can be caught at birth. In my case I suffered some sort of trauma that started this and it wasn't until I was twenty-three that it started to hurt & that's when I had the surgery, so that was one thing they wanted to check. On my last visit with my doctor I had blood work done to check for down syndrome and other possible defects the baby could be born with. They told me that if I didn't hear from them that everything was normal. Well the good news is I didn't hear back from them and at my appointment the doctor told me that my results were normal! Before the doctor came in to see me the ultrasound tech measured all her limbs and checked her weight. While she was trying to do that it was amazing to see how much moving she was doing in there. It was so funny! I couldn't believe this tiny little person (PS-she's only like ten ounces) was twisting and turning in there. I'm also not sure how all that's going to feel once I can actually feel it...lol! But when the doctor came in to check her spine, heart and skull she had gotten cozy in one particular position. He said that was pretty normal and she might not move for a day or two so after trying to coax her to move he eventually gave up and told me that I would have to return so that he could be positive there was nothing to be alarmed about. So until then I'm optimistically cautious....

mommy to be. XOXO

Welcome to the Motherhood Club

It's a rare occasion that I'm home to watch Oprah but, last Friday I found myself in that position (thanks to the 4th of July holiday). It couldn't have been a better a better topic. It was tackling the truth about of motherhood (here's the link: http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090311-tows-mom-truth). Ding, Ding, Ding....FINALLY! I don't have a "mom support group" at the moment. Although early on I realized the undeniable benefit this will serve in my life I'm still in the putting together stages (i.e. is there a step prior to brainstorming because that's where I'm on it).

The show featured two women who were mom's, BFF's and authors. There books have clever titles such as: I Was a Really Good Mom before I Had Kids and Dirty Little Secrets of Otherwise Perfect Moms. Both of which I have ordered (reading a pregnant gal's newest favorite hobby). Here is some more on them: http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090311-tows-mom-truth/9
It was an open and honest discussion about motherhood, it was extremely enlightening. My light bulb moment came when I realized the image of perfection I'm chasing. I feel pressure to be "perfect", it's self imposed and apparently not very realistic. I guess for me there is an image I've always had of the type of mother I would be and it's beginning stages of showing itself. I guess I've always seen it in black or white terms either I'm the best or I'm a failure, and there is no room for adjusting or tweaking as may be needed. I want to be able to do it all, make dinner and get a good nights sleep, and some nights that just may not be the case. As I go through my pregnancy I am surprised at how much better I am at going with the flow, being less high-maintenance and not letting other peoples opinion weigh on the plan I'm setting into motion.

I also think some of my chase for perfection comes from doing it alone. If it's just going to be me then I've got to be the best version of me as a mom that I can be. I feel like there are some people who look at me like there sorry for me, like there is no way they could imagine having to go through what I am. For instance, when I was catching up with a friend (also pregnant) of mine she said, "I'm just sorry you don't have a John" (i.e. her husband). Okay. Wait a minute. Seriously? I'm not sorry and it's in moments like this where I'm able to find strength. It's also not surprisingly when my competitive spirit grabs a hold of me, what can I say? I can't help it. I also don't want to be looked down on or pitied. Although I've yet to achieve the things I want career wise, I am well on my way and just became the proud owner of a new extra push...my baby. I tend to lean toward thinking my take no prisoner's attitude will serve us just fine.

Here's to finding perfection in my imperfection....

(http://www.justintimberlake.com/news/fairytale_reality_bites)

mommy to be. XOXO

Happy Father's Day...Mom

I woke up Sunday saddened by the thought that this time next year my future son or daughter won't have a father around to lavish love & a gift bought by mom on. The inevitable "dad conversation" is something that's hard not to think about. Being the best mom possible may not be enough to fill what could possibly be an unavoidable hole. In my own experience, I love my father. I think he's a jerk but nonetheless, I love him. In his absence I saw my mother work her ass off to support me and my siblings. And that's the example that drives me to be the best me that I can possibly be. It can be done.

Through the course of the day I came across this article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/article.aspx?cp-documentid=20440872&GT1=32001. I chalk it up to a new version of the blame game. Here's the thing I don't see myself anywhere in it. I tend to lean more towards taking these situations on a case by case basis. Everyone and there circumstance are different. Here are my thoughts:

• My child has one father. I know who he is, he knows who he is and one day my son/daughter will know. I've never been a fan of women who push the "dad" title on men who one aren't the father and two exhibit no qualities of a man that would be. Just because your dating some dude doesn't mean he's worthy of being called dad. What happens when the relationship is over? What kind of example is that setting, especially for our girls that will grow to be women? I myself have seen it first hand. My nieces mother played that daddy nonsense with my brother and her older son (that was from a previous relationship). He was fully aware of who his dad was and I don't think he wanted to call my brother dad but did because that's what his mom wanted him to do.
• I would agree with the belief that courts tend to lean toward giving custody to mom over dad. And no not every single mother who enters a court room is necessarily the better pick over dad. But for who knows how long men have chose to walk out of the life of both mother and baby upon finding out she was pregnant. Take myself for example, case and point. I'll be the first to admit that we weren't in a relationship but that doesn't make it okay to exit stage right. It's called responsibility.

I can say that I think the blame game needs to come to a quick and abrupt end. As adults we know how babies are made and if the necessary precautions aren't taken the results are life changing, in the shape of a pregnancy (or worse an STD).

mommy to be. XOXO

Effortless Tears

I'm feeling incredibly emotional, it's manifesting itself in tears. Normally the last thing I'd think about is sharing it with the world (i.e. the four people who read this regularly...lol). But if my purpose is narrate all of this...smiles, frowns and all; thus far, I'm guilty of leaving out a significant chunk of happenings'.

Maybe it can just be chalked up to "one of those days." I was dragging this morning. It's been a few weeks since I hit the snooze so many times. In an effort to be more healthy I packed my lunch which also ate up valuable minutes. I usually watch the news on channel 2 (I totally have a crush on Ryan Young.) but I can stay up on how traffic and such is going until they inevitably start the circle over again by re-hashing everything they just did right before they cut to commercial. I missed all that this morning. The end of the story is me ending up at work at 9:30 as opposed to my intended start time at 8:00. There were no shortcuts to take. Everywhere I turned there was a sea of brake lights. Luckily, my GPS was able to get me around 285 and on to 75 it just took two hours. So there's that. Next, would be that I'm hungry. I don't know what's going on but within the last week or so my appetite is out of control. I didn't eat before I left because I planned on eating the yogurt I have here at work. Well by the time that happened it was less than satisfying. To be honest all I could think about was how a Krispy Kreme doughnut would make it all better. Horrible. True. And insanely hilarious!

And all of that would bring me to the moment the tears came. As I settle into the day and make my to do list I did my usual social network browsing and saw a picture that opened the flood gates. It honestly just made me sad. I wasn't there. In the pictures part of the memories. It also brought up the extreme amount of pressure I feel with regards to having to raise money for the breast cancer 3-day. I feel overwhelmed by it. I wish there was a way to bow out gracefully but there isn't. It's a commitment I made and am being held to. One way or another $2300 will be my contribution to the fight against breast cancer. I just need to get the ball rolling but sometimes it's hard to find the energy it's all requiring of me.

Wooooo-ssssaaaaaaaahhhhhh.....I'm still hungry. I think I'm going to eat my lunch. Maybe I should start bringing two lunches?! Can you just feel the weight gain, I can!

mommy to be. XOXO

Choices...

I read this article: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/choosing-not-to-keep-the-baby/?src=twt&twt=nytimes, and even though our decisions in the end are different, everything that comprises the "in between" is the same.

Sharing that I was pregnant with my girlfriends was more of an eye opening experience then I ever imagined it could be. I learned about there personal struggle in the very same situation. You know contributing to the percentage of the population of black, single, pregnant women wasn't exactly on my things to do list. But three months ago I, just like them stood at a decision making crossroad. I'm unwavering in the choice that I made. I'm becoming a mother and that I honestly couldn't be happier about. But there are bits and pieces of Emmie's story that are a part of my own...

1. I'm dealing with the guilt I feel about what will be my non-presence in the first few weeks of my baby's life. I get two weeks paid leave with the option of taking up to twelve; however, the remaining ten weeks would be unpaid. Needless to say fourteen days after giving birth I will be returning to work and leaving the newly beginning life of my newborn in the (very able) hands of my family. Which in itself leads to more guilt with having to lean on them in this way. There's no way around it until at least six weeks. Then enter daycare and that familiar sense of guiltiness.
2. My friendships are changing. Prior to being pregnant I was always doing something with someone. And now....not so much. A part of me wants to yell at the top of my lungs "I'm not dead. I'm pregnant." No, drinking doesn't have the same appeal it once did. I won't be drinking for sometime given my pledge to breastfeed. I've traded my vodka redbulls for shirley temples and I had a very draining first trimester, I'm still VANESSA. The person who enjoys doing things, being social and having fun. I think for some the verdict is still out as far as how my friendships will continue to grow and develop. It's somewhat of a daunting thing to face.
3. As it stands, my future son or daughter is sans a father. That's the choice he's made. Life will go on...

I definitely feel more determined then ever to become the mother I always pictured myself being. There's so much to look forward to and be happy about. This is my sometimes tumultuous but for the most part amazing adventure.

mommy to be. XOXO

The Suggestion Box is....FULL!

Today marks forty-seven days since my last entry. I was about six weeks then and now I'm thirteen. I'd like to say that over the course of the last seven weeks time has flown...it hasn't. I'm glad to be heading into my second trimester but for awhile there things weren't all hugs and kisses.

Sharing this news with my family and friends yielded quite the range of reactions. Something I had to come to terms with was that I was destroying this image my family had of me. What followed were some pretty heated talks and plenty of tears. There was one person in particular who after I talked to, walked out on, cried, came back and found resolution with I realized that there was more of this ahead. We're all entitled to our opinion's but there were moments when I wished they had kept them to themselves. I'm not sure that those people are aware of how much there words hurt me. Right now I'm estranged from someone I built a really special friendship with, my best friend. We happen not to see eye to eye on something and haven't spoken since then and it makes me sad not to be sharing these moments with her. I hope that eventually we'll reconcile. Then I had a very interesting conversation with this guy. We don't really talk all that much anymore and I guess once he caught wind of my news he wanted to "congratulate" me. I use the quote marks for obvious reasons...he did anything but that. First, he told me that he was completely dumbfounded when he heard that I had gotten pregnant. Like there's no way you mean who I think you do. He went on to say that he was sad for my future son or daughter. That not having both parents isn't fair to him or her. That brought me back to when I told DaddyWarbucks I was pregnant. He said the same thing. But in my opinion if (and hopefully when) he decides to be a father that has more to do with the child then me. He's the one missing out and choosing to make this solely about not being able to fulfill a financial obligation. During the course of this conversation he asked me if I considered not keeping the baby and that's when I decided it was about time to get off the phone.

Being pregnant has been filled with every emotion imaginable (i.e. happy, scared, doubtful, uncertainty, etc.). In the midst of this amazing experience I'm coming to terms with what a life changing experience this truly is. A lot of the reason I stopped blogging was because what I was showing on the outside wasn't in tune with what I was feeling on the inside. I'm all out of sorts and dealing with the changes in my friendships and the extreme loneliness I feel. Everyone's lives are going on and at times I feel like I'm being left behind. I'm in a place of redefining who I am and learning to love that person just as much as I did the other one. I've always known what type of mother I want to be and to truly embody that there are things that have got to change. I suppose these are just my growing pains. Here's to not gaining too much weight gain and minimal stretch marks....

mommy to be. XOXO

Two Pink Lines

Let me take you back to just a few days ago. It was Monday afternoon and my time on procrastinating had expired. With knots in my stomach I went to the grocery store and bought a home pregnancy test. I sat in the car and read the instructions as well as the Q&A portion. Which made me then think there is a reason they are addressing these specific questions...then I'm taken back to the sixteen year old version of myself and it all makes sense. I tinkle in a cup hold the absorbent tip in there for five seconds, replace the overcap, lay the test on a flat surface and am prepared to wait for the longest three minutes of my life. In what I'm sure is Guinness Book of World Record for fastest test result, in what I'm sure was less than a minute I was staring at two pink lines. In a frenzy, I pull out the instruction pamphlet and realize what exactly the two lines mean.

For comedic value let me share that: I kicked my cup o' pee over on the floor...GROSS! It's mine so I can't be too taken aback. Then it says what getting either one or two lines means right there on the test itself. I guess I have more of these moments to look forward to cause Monday it was anything but funny and today I can see the funniness in it all.

And from that moment I debated with myself what to do. This isn't the way I pictured this time in my life beginning. So I did the only thing that felt natural...I cried, and cried and cried some more. All I kept thinking was my life is changing forever. I talked to my mother first, who told me that she loved me and would support me in my decision. There was my best friend who "helped" me to see the pros to this: 1. my body would bounce back; 2. we could have a party. Note to self: in a moment of crisis call Candace and she'll find the positive in it :) On Tuesday, I woke up and all I could think was there is a life inside of me, how amazing. Later that evening it was confirmed, I'm having a baby and I'm about six weeks.

Then it got a wee bit bumpy when I brought DaddyWarBucks up to speed. He'll be dealt with in due time, that much I'm sure of. Which is why that's where the conversation about him begins and ends.

In the meantime, there is so much to look forward to. Top of the list is finding out whether it's a boy or girl. Up until yesterday I was definitely leaning in a certain direction as far as sex of the baby was concerned, and a part of me still is. But after a conversation with Rebecca and affirming that I would indeed be a good "boy mom." I'm truly going to be happy regardless.

mommy to be. XOXO