Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Choices...

I read this article: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/choosing-not-to-keep-the-baby/?src=twt&twt=nytimes, and even though our decisions in the end are different, everything that comprises the "in between" is the same.

Sharing that I was pregnant with my girlfriends was more of an eye opening experience then I ever imagined it could be. I learned about there personal struggle in the very same situation. You know contributing to the percentage of the population of black, single, pregnant women wasn't exactly on my things to do list. But three months ago I, just like them stood at a decision making crossroad. I'm unwavering in the choice that I made. I'm becoming a mother and that I honestly couldn't be happier about. But there are bits and pieces of Emmie's story that are a part of my own...

  1. I'm dealing with the guilt I feel about what will be my non-presence in the first few weeks of my baby's life. I get two weeks paid leave with the option of taking up to twelve; however, the remaining ten weeks would be unpaid. Needless to say fourteen days after giving birth I will be returning to work and leaving the newly beginning life of my newborn in the (very able) hands of my family. Which in itself leads to more guilt with having to lean on them in this way. There's no way around it until at least six weeks. Then enter daycare and that familiar sense of guiltiness.
  2. My friendships are changing. Prior to being pregnant I was always doing something with someone. And now....not so much. A part of me wants to yell at the top of my lungs "I'm not dead. I'm pregnant." No, drinking doesn't have the same appeal it once did. I won't be drinking for sometime given my pledge to breastfeed. I've traded my vodka redbulls for shirley temples and I had a very draining first trimester, I'm still VANESSA. The person who enjoys doing things, being social and having fun. I think for some the verdict is still out as far as how my friendships will continue to grow and develop. It's somewhat of a daunting thing to face.
  3. As it stands, my future son or daughter is sans a father. That's the choice he's made. Life will go on...

I definitely feel more determined then ever to become the mother I always pictured myself being. There's so much to look forward to and be happy about. This is my sometimes tumultuous but for the most part amazing adventure.

mommy to be. XOXO

1 comment:

Fergster said...

I'm glad you've continued to stay positive. Because you need to enjoy this experience! :)