Friday, April 30, 2010

150 Days of Mommyhood

On the day of the 28th, it wasn't til' about 7:00 that it dawned on me that it was Elle's five month anniversary on the planet. As I was talking about the date I actually thought it was the next day. Oppsy?! The picture above probably describes life best right now. For one, I'm exhausted. The days start as early as 4:45 and they don't end till' 9:00 or 10:00 that night. During the week I've got my morning routine down to about thirty-five minutes and that includes a shower! My hair is curly, the make-up is minimal (just enough to not scare anybody) & on a good day I'm scurrying out of the house no later then seven o'clock to start my commute to work. The funny thing is on this particular morning we were up before the sun at around 4:40, Elle was bright eyed and bushy tailed...LOL! After a brief once over I realized that she was indeed ready to start the day and so it began. The treat for me (yes there was something for mom) is that I was able to dry & straighten my hair. I'm pretty sure I was on-time to work too. Double win!

Elle has added oatmeal to the list of foods she's eating! We mix it with some fruit and babygirl is good to go. Although she is a lady of lesiure my mom is keeping her up longer throughout the day which ready's us for a successful full nights rest, which is rather nice. She's reaching and grabbing for things. One of her new favorites is my hair! I'm not lying when I tell you the girls got a fierce grip. She's teething. You can feel em' coming in but there is no evidence of them quite yet. The drool is non-stop & she's perfected being able to pull the passy out of her mouth and knaw on it. Not gonna lie, it's impressive. She's an absolute beauty and has a bubbly personality. Hold on, for a second I thought I was describing myself :) She lights up when she see's me after a long day apart. I think she's loves me?! Her growth and development amazes me. My little baby is growing into a little person and even though it's hard not to look forward to future milestones, I'm really gonna try and enjoy and embrace the present because I'm never going to get it back.


Monday, April 26, 2010

What Happened to Having Manners?

I'm what you'd call a "good girl." At least that is many a people's perception of me. Do I think it's way off? No, not at all. From an early age I've always sorta known that and at least outwardly did the best I could to live up to it. There was however a bump in this flawlessly paved road...I got pregnant. Good girls don't get pregnant. Wait. Scratch that. Do good girls even have sex...hmmmm?! LOL. A part of me can't help but feel kicked out of the club.

Over the weekend I ran into an old high school classmate/college roommate. It was great to see her, initially. After the girly yelp, hug and once over the very first out of this grown woman's mouth is: "I'm not gonna lie it kinda freaked me out you had a kid." Insert deep breath. Count to five. Just for fun take another deep breath. My response: You have two choices. Either you have a baby or you don't. I had a baby. She immediately chimed in: "NO, NO, you did the right thing!" Here's a warning that what I'm about to say might offend some people but I'm not going to make any apologies. Damn pro-lifers! I say that because I feel most harshly judged by people who don't see a choice. You got pregnant. You're having a baby. Except in reality it's not that simple. Facing parenthood alone is an awfully scary thing. It's ultimately a battle between this amazing realization that there is a life inside of you and the ulgy truth that is everything else. You have to do what's right for you. I did & even though I'm still most certainly working through the kinks if I for minute thought that I couldn't do this I would have seriously considered the alternatives. But alas, here we are...myself and Elle that is. She could not possibly bring more love and laughter into my life if she tried.

Having an opinion is clearly something that we're all entitled to. However, that doesn't give you the right to just say it. It's called tact and it's something that I think more people need to use. What happened to thinking before you speak? What happened to just shutting the hell up? What happened to good ol' fashioned gossiping? You know, telling your friend about this friend you have and so on and so forth. Hmmmmm....

All I can be is Vanessa. Mom. Friend. Lover.


PS-Whoever and wherever the lady in charge is. Please consider reinstating my membership, it would mean a lot to this good girl.

I'm sorry, I don't know how else to be...

I decided after much thought to take my last post down. I have a tendency to be passive aggressive. For me it's easier to make an an under handed comment then hash something out in a more productive manner. I also take more things than I should personally. It's easy to think something is or could be about you when in actuality you were nowhere on the person's radar. Here's to moving forward not only speaking up when I need to but also taking the time to really listen to myself internally & not fear doing what's right. I don't want to hold myself back because there's something exciting about the unknown, you don't know what's coming.

I wanna live. I wanna love. I wanna have fun. XOXO

Friday, April 16, 2010

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown

Today is a day I've been looking forward to since I came to the harsh realization all pregnant women do...I can't fit my clothes. Eventually your expanding waist exceeds the inches allotted in those cute jeans and it's time to embrace the new section you're shopping in, maternity. In defense of maternity clothes and designers alike, I'll say this much, there are some fabulous finds out there! I had some really cute stuff but once you deliver baby and hit that in-between stage of not fitting your maternity stuff but nowhere near fitting your pre-pregnancy clothes, those self-deprecating thoughts start in.

The entire time I was pregnant becoming a fatty scared the hell out of me. I was scared because I used to be a fatty. Round face, chubby cheeks and size sixteen pants. I wish I could say I had a big booty but if you know me then you know that just isn't the case...LOL! But I wasn't happy. I looked at my friends and saw pretty girls with great personalities and I wasn't one of them. But after a year with Curves I finally stumbled upon some of my own. WOOOOO-HOOOOO baby :) And then I got pregnant and with that came major body changes. My boobs got bigger, my waist & hips spread, and I was literally lathering myself down with the Palmer's lotion to fend off stretch marks (FYI-it works!). There's one day in particular I remember like it was yesterday: I was getting dressed for work and went to put on one of my favorite dresses. Granted it was a lil' snug the previous time I had worn it I figured I could get one more wear out of it. Well, that wasn't the case and I popped the strap and proceeded to have a breakdown. It was that moment that jump started my packing away of the clothes that just weren't fitting and up went my maternity wardrobe.

Nine months later I had my babygirl. I decided to go easy on myself and permit a year to get back in shape. In my mind in year I'd be throwing Elle her first birthday party and I REFUSED to look anything less than fabulous! Well five months later and I'm not at my goal but I've very close. I'm only thirteen pounds from my goal weight. I currently weigh: 163 lbs. and ideally I'd like to be 150 lbs. The only time I'm able to get time in at the gym is during my lunch. I'm going daily (at least most days) and doing 40 minutes on the treadmill, eliptical or combination or both in addition to some various arm and leg work; oh, and you can't forget crunches. At times it doesn't seem like nearly enough but I guess it's working! And I'm so proud of myself!

Since I'm nearing my goal and it's the last ten pounds or so that seem to be the biggest pain in the ass I'm gonna be a part of the "Losing 1lb. at a Time Challenge." I think it'll be great to encourage as well as get encouragement and being held accountable will (hopefully) help me get my liquid calorie intake in check. See with me you can keep your cake and cookies it's the alcohol I have issues saying no to. Here's to taking it one pound at a time!


PS-I would also like to address how far it is I feel I've come. I'm referring to the picture in the top right corner. The way I see it...I'm being honest! And it couldn't feel better. I'm the first to say I definitely have cuter days but this is me in the dress that I haven't been able to fit in over a year. Cut me some slack!

That was more for me than you...but thanks for just going with it!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Pity Party of One

Today has just been one of those days. I'm feeling emotionally taxed and in need of a good cry. Wait. Scratch that. Several small crying fits, a punching bag, cold beer & my snuggie. I would prefer it in that order too (hope I'm not asking for too much). I suppose you could chalk it up to my first day back to being on mom duty and eight to fivin' it. For the past two and half days I was living it up on vacation in (drum roll please....) Las Vegas! To say it was fabulously fantastic is still not doing it justice. From heading there to touching back down it was laughs & good times. My mantra: Drink.Gamble.Eat.Repeat.

The drinks were strong. The men were attractive. The weather lovely. The home of my Father. We spent some long overdue quality time together. The last time I saw him I was fourteen & there's really no clear cut reason as to why so much time passed believe I've racked my brain. All I can say is that life happened. And this is really where the tearing up and reflecting began. Vegas allowed me something I haven't had since I don't know when, quiet time. An opportunity to really look within and figure some things out. I feel like a way bigger mess then I let on or even think people see. I'm what you'd call chasing perfection. I present having it together when more times then not I feel anything but that. It's actually ironic because I'm told regularly by my closest friends that they I'm strong and they're proud of me. How can anyone be proud me when I'm not even proud of myself? This is hard. No, not impossible. But unbelievably hard. As I type this I hear, "It won't be this way forever." And although I do really believe and trust it won't be it doesn't do much to change the fact that right here, right now, this is how I feel. As I trudge ahead I know that I will make more of an effort to make my Dad a larger part of my life. I see this old man who I forgot was so incredibly special to me. He's warm and has the ability to make anyone laugh. We don't have our parents forever and it was a wake up call. To love the two people I call Mom & Dad.

For now this is enough. XOXO

120 days of Mommyhood

This is my four month old lil' beauty! She is quite the character. Her personality is beginning to come out more and more with everyday. She's talkative and spending more of the day with her eyes wide open & enjoying her view of the world. The culmination of four months came with the introduction food. It started and very quickly ended with the rice cereal. She HATED it! After talking about it with some other moms I soon realized that it was about finding what Elle enjoyed eating versus treating the Gerber guidelines as the end all & be all on baby nutrition. On the menu first were sweet potatoes, which she LOVED! Since then I've stuck to orange veggies (i.e. squash, carrots, etc). Next, is introducing fruits & in just a few months we'll be moving up to tasty combinations like sweet potato and apple. Also, on the food horizon I will be making Elle's food. I said I was gonna do it and well damn it...I'm gonna do it! LOL