Today marks forty-seven days since my last entry. I was about six weeks then and now I'm thirteen. I'd like to say that over the course of the last seven weeks time has flown...it hasn't. I'm glad to be heading into my second trimester but for awhile there things weren't all hugs and kisses.
Sharing this news with my family and friends yielded quite the range of reactions. Something I had to come to terms with was that I was destroying this image my family had of me. What followed were some pretty heated talks and plenty of tears. There was one person in particular who after I talked to, walked out on, cried, came back and found resolution with I realized that there was more of this ahead. We're all entitled to our opinion's but there were moments when I wished they had kept them to themselves. I'm not sure that those people are aware of how much there words hurt me. Right now I'm estranged from someone I built a really special friendship with, my best friend. We happen not to see eye to eye on something and haven't spoken since then and it makes me sad not to be sharing these moments with her. I hope that eventually we'll reconcile. Then I had a very interesting conversation with this guy. We don't really talk all that much anymore and I guess once he caught wind of my news he wanted to "congratulate" me. I use the quote marks for obvious reasons...he did anything but that. First, he told me that he was completely dumbfounded when he heard that I had gotten pregnant. Like there's no way you mean who I think you do. He went on to say that he was sad for my future son or daughter. That not having both parents isn't fair to him or her. That brought me back to when I told DaddyWarbucks I was pregnant. He said the same thing. But in my opinion if (and hopefully when) he decides to be a father that has more to do with the child then me. He's the one missing out and choosing to make this solely about not being able to fulfill a financial obligation. During the course of this conversation he asked me if I considered not keeping the baby and that's when I decided it was about time to get off the phone.
Being pregnant has been filled with every emotion imaginable (i.e. happy, scared, doubtful, uncertainty, etc.). In the midst of this amazing experience I'm coming to terms with what a life changing experience this truly is. A lot of the reason I stopped blogging was because what I was showing on the outside wasn't in tune with what I was feeling on the inside. I'm all out of sorts and dealing with the changes in my friendships and the extreme loneliness I feel. Everyone's lives are going on and at times I feel like I'm being left behind. I'm in a place of redefining who I am and learning to love that person just as much as I did the other one. I've always known what type of mother I want to be and to truly embody that there are things that have got to change. I suppose these are just my growing pains. Here's to not gaining too much weight gain and minimal stretch marks....
mommy to be. XOXO