Thursday, May 6, 2010

Say what you Mean, and Mean what you say, but don't say it Mean

I can honestly say when it comes to talking open & honestly it's something that I'm still working on. It's not so much that it's hard to be open or honest it's the getting it out part. Thinking too much before you speak has got to be as bad as not thinking at all. At least this is the realization that I'm coming to.

When it comes the relationship I have with my mother it's one that means the world to me and frustrates the hell out of me, simultaneously. The entire purpose of this blog was share my triumphs and failures in way that allows me to get what I need off my chest and be honest with myself. It becomes challenging to do that when the people I write about are also the people who not only read this but who are a daily part of my life, i.e. my mother. There are times when I don't think she really understands the the affect of hers in a "grand scheme" of things kind of way. She's my biggest fan and critic all rolled up in one. It can all be too much at times and this is one of those times. Up to this point I haven't told anyone but my mother that she makes me feel like what I've termed "a deadbeat mom." In my pursuit to hold on and live the remainder of my single girl lifestyle I've heard some very hurtful things, all which I've expressed to her. It's our main point of contention and just when I think all is good and well I'm slapped in the face with the actuality that it couldn't be any further from the truth. It's aggravating but more than that it's hurtful.

Here's the thing: my mother is very much a homebody. I can remember being a little girl and she was Friday nights and weekends. I'm definitely a social butterfly to put it mildly. I enjoy nights out and time with my girlfriends. I don't think I do anything to the point where it's at the expense of Elle, but I could be mistaken. I thought we were finally reaching something that resembled balance. Balance between being a mom and being Vanessa (oh yeah, I'm still definitely someone's mother). Then in moments like this I feel like I'm back at square one and the only way to make things right is to grovel for forgiveness. I don't want to grovel. I want to be able to talk and even hear things I may not like if that means that we're moving forward. That's the problem in and of itself...communication. I'm sure if you asked my mother she'd admit that she is hardest on me mainly because she has a different level of expectation of me. That much I get.

This all stems from you guessed it, a miscommunication. What I would have done, what I wanted my mother to do and what my mother did are all three VERY different things. This all started with my Grams saying she'd take evening duties of Elle. Well, when dusk was upon us she wasn't exactly stepping up to the plate in a way which communicated to my mother that she was ready to take over. I would have just talked to Grams about it. She's the furthest from old and senile but there have been instances in the past where it either slipped her mind or she got her days confused. Like I said she's old...LOL! I wanted my mother to just talk to her! But that didn't happen. As I approached my destination I got a phone call that started like this, "Vee, I need you to go to some place quiet..." that can't be leading to anything good and it sure didn't! What my mother did , was unleash her frustration and tiredness (PS-she did have Elle all day) on yours truly. I was the recipient of what I think should have gone to someone else (i.e. Grams) but I guess that's part of being the mom. It all eventually circles back to me! I can honestly say I gave turning around and saying fuck it, some serious thought. It's like what's the point of making a plan when all falls apart and I'm the one to blame. All my mother hears is, "I don't not want to do things because I have Elle" now this is in context of something completely different but yet this is what was thrown at me. It's honestly how I feel. If there is something I want to do and Elle is a part of it, so be it. But I'm not NOT going to do something because I have her. She is a part of my life, like the biggest part. She lucked out and got a very social and happening mama. This she will come to know very soon. And for it she will have grace, style and sophistication very much like her mother.

As it stands like with every anger fueled exchange we're at the part where we aren't speaking to each other. I know sooner than later this will be just another "Vanette & Vanessa" moment but for the right now, it sucks! I don't want me and Elle to be like this. Sure some of it is normal, at least I think but if she isn't able to talk to me candidly, then who? That makes me laugh cause right now Elle can't talk...but one day my lil' baby is going to be a fiesty teenager, lord help me!


"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” ~Anthony Robbins

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