Monday, April 12, 2010

Pity Party of One

Today has just been one of those days. I'm feeling emotionally taxed and in need of a good cry. Wait. Scratch that. Several small crying fits, a punching bag, cold beer & my snuggie. I would prefer it in that order too (hope I'm not asking for too much). I suppose you could chalk it up to my first day back to being on mom duty and eight to fivin' it. For the past two and half days I was living it up on vacation in (drum roll please....) Las Vegas! To say it was fabulously fantastic is still not doing it justice. From heading there to touching back down it was laughs & good times. My mantra: Drink.Gamble.Eat.Repeat.

The drinks were strong. The men were attractive. The weather lovely. The home of my Father. We spent some long overdue quality time together. The last time I saw him I was fourteen & there's really no clear cut reason as to why so much time passed believe I've racked my brain. All I can say is that life happened. And this is really where the tearing up and reflecting began. Vegas allowed me something I haven't had since I don't know when, quiet time. An opportunity to really look within and figure some things out. I feel like a way bigger mess then I let on or even think people see. I'm what you'd call chasing perfection. I present having it together when more times then not I feel anything but that. It's actually ironic because I'm told regularly by my closest friends that they I'm strong and they're proud of me. How can anyone be proud me when I'm not even proud of myself? This is hard. No, not impossible. But unbelievably hard. As I type this I hear, "It won't be this way forever." And although I do really believe and trust it won't be it doesn't do much to change the fact that right here, right now, this is how I feel. As I trudge ahead I know that I will make more of an effort to make my Dad a larger part of my life. I see this old man who I forgot was so incredibly special to me. He's warm and has the ability to make anyone laugh. We don't have our parents forever and it was a wake up call. To love the two people I call Mom & Dad.

For now this is enough. XOXO


Jakil & Steve said...

I completely understand what you mean when you say your chasing perfection. I have done this all of my life but after becoming a mother it seemed impossible. Being completely uncomfortable with that, I just started to hide.

I'm getting better and better everyday with excepting where I am.

I am so happy for you and your father. I am working through similar issues with my biological father. I am at a place where I doubt I will ever allow him to meet my son. But I am nervous about what TJ will say to me 20 years from now.

V.V.Brown said...

It's not easy! But I'm glad that we're both getting to a place where we can accept and embrace the awesome women we are!

You have to do what your most comfortable with & when it's time to answer questions be open and honest that's what I plan to do.

Geeky Black Girl said...

My Pecan is going bald??? When did that happen?

V.V.Brown said...

It's natural...LOL