Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The best way to put it is like this...

I feel like my life and my person are under a magnifying glass. Having only been going at this mom thing for almost two months now saying that I'll just adjust is a gross understatement. My entire world and being as I knew isn't there anymore. Life now revolves around a beautiful little girl.

I've got the smiling, nodding & thank-yous down. I accept that it takes several trips to get the car packed. That even when I think I've given myself enough time to get us ready, I haven't and we're inevitably running late. Sometimes I struggle to open up the stroller and I think I look incapable. I am OCD when it comes to just about everything ranging from how her clothes are folded to her wardrobe, yes as insignificant as it sounds I expect her socks to match. At three a.m. it inescapably hits me that I'm alone, its just me & holy shit I'm a Mom! Did I know this is how it was going to be, well sure from the very beginning but living it day-to-day is something completely different. It's taxing emotionally. I'm still letting go of the person I was. It's difficult. I realize how content I was with that Vanessa. The size 12, blonde, party girl. Today I'm a far cry from all of that. I don't fit any of my clothes, I'm back to my natural hair color & I can't leave a store without a new outfit for Elle. Time has a new value. Doing this means that doesn't get done. I feel like everyone is living life and mine has stopped. Sometimes I feel like I'm in quick sand being pulled down by the choices I made or it's as if years have passed and I don't recognize anyone or anything around me.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

I always wanted to be a mom. XOXO

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