Sixty Days of Mommyhood

Cue the trumpets....my Elle is two months old today! The love continues to flow and I can't tell you how happy it makes me to look at the picture I have framed of the two of us on my desk. As I settle into my routine of work and school I'm that much more appreciative of our time together. I guess it would be helpful to remember this when it's saturday afternoon and I'm bored out of my brains. There's only so much you can do with an infant and as much as I love our heart to hearts she's more of a listener. Which brings me to the coo'ing she's started to do. It's absolutely adorable which isn't saying much since I feel that way about everything she does, with the one exception of poopy diapers. How could something so sweet make something so foul? My fingers are crossed daily that I'll miss it, being gone eight hours of the day does increase my odds rather nicely :)

There is one person who without this experience would be very different. She's my mom and Elle's Gram-Gram. I can't deny that the woman drives me mad (which she's well aware of) but she also gives so much of herself to the both of us. She takes care of Elle during the day thus eliminating daycare. I literally rouse her about everything. From "threats" of docking her pay if she's late in the morning to takeover to the weekly meeting me and Elle are going to have about how she feels things are going (she being Elle...LOL). It really does come from a good place. We're both able to laugh at the ridiculousness that is...Vanessa. I realized recently that I don't tell her enough how thankful I am for her. Because of her my social life has remained in tact. Because of her my daughter gets fabulous care and priceless time with her Gram-Gram. Because of her I'm able to be the mom (and person) that I am today. It goes without saying I love you Mom!



We're finding our groove. There is so much I'm looking forward to this year and having Elle here to be a part of it all means I'll never run out of batteries for the camera!



XOXO

Hush Lil' Baby Don't You Cry

Cry (verb): weep and to make sad sounds. Synonym's include: bawl. blubber. boohoo. breakdown. burst into tears. choke up. complain. fret. howl. lament. let it all out. sob. turn on the waterworks. wail. yowl.

Last night was the worst I've experienced in the past fifty-seven days. Yes, I counted. I sit here tired. Wait exhausted. No even that doesn't do justice how it is I'm feeling. Depleted. Yeah there we go. I considered calling out of work this morning but then realized that peace and quite was waiting for me there. As a reward for not falling asleep and drooling all over the keyboard I took a nap. Fifty-five minutes of glorious, uninterrupted, sound, not exactly deep but deep enough z's.

My beautiful little of bundle of joy has a strong set of lungs. How one could not only cry for that long but at that level of intensity is beyond me. Of course she didn't cry herself to sleep. I'm starting to think that's just a myth because Elle is a bonafide master of crying just enough not to exhaust herself. The way her bottom lip curls under is absolutely adorable. And lucky for me after so long I'm able to not even hear it but every so often check back in to see if she's in need of a new diaper or decided that she is ready to eat. At ten o' clock I turned the light out, turned the volume up on the womb bear (who by the way I think really needs a name...hmmm?) and watched Oz. Random Vanessa Fact: I really like shows with a crime, investigative, prison theme. Such as: The First 48. 20/20 on WE. Gangland. It was around 11:30 when she finally went down for the count. There were a few times when I thought she had given in earlier but she was just plotting against me, with her eyes closed and that pretty lil' smile. As soon as I let my guard down she was back at it, crying inconsolably. And if you think that's where this persecution stopped you are sadly mistaken. She slept in two-hour chunks with a forty-five minute turn around (i.e. time spent getting her back to sleep).

At five a.m. I declared Elle the winner. The lights and television came on. Something was different though she wasn't bursting into tears and sending me to the brink of shedding my own. She was awake, taking in her surroundings (like she always does) and being the lovely lady I've spent the past fifty-seven days getting to know. I can't tell you how happy I was to see her for a second I thought I was going to have to find my receipt for a return and refund :) I wouldn't trade her for the world! Besides soon enough it'll be my turn to drive her mad. Until then...

XOXO

The best way to put it is like this...

I feel like my life and my person are under a magnifying glass. Having only been going at this mom thing for almost two months now saying that I'll just adjust is a gross understatement. My entire world and being as I knew isn't there anymore. Life now revolves around a beautiful little girl.

I've got the smiling, nodding & thank-yous down. I accept that it takes several trips to get the car packed. That even when I think I've given myself enough time to get us ready, I haven't and we're inevitably running late. Sometimes I struggle to open up the stroller and I think I look incapable. I am OCD when it comes to just about everything ranging from how her clothes are folded to her wardrobe, yes as insignificant as it sounds I expect her socks to match. At three a.m. it inescapably hits me that I'm alone, its just me & holy shit I'm a Mom! Did I know this is how it was going to be, well sure from the very beginning but living it day-to-day is something completely different. It's taxing emotionally. I'm still letting go of the person I was. It's difficult. I realize how content I was with that Vanessa. The size 12, blonde, party girl. Today I'm a far cry from all of that. I don't fit any of my clothes, I'm back to my natural hair color & I can't leave a store without a new outfit for Elle. Time has a new value. Doing this means that doesn't get done. I feel like everyone is living life and mine has stopped. Sometimes I feel like I'm in quick sand being pulled down by the choices I made or it's as if years have passed and I don't recognize anyone or anything around me.


"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

I always wanted to be a mom. XOXO

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

For six glorious weeks I was a stay at home mom. It was undeniably a fabulous time that allowed me to enjoy my daughter in a very special way. I've also decided that it's the way I was intended to live life: at home. Rising with the sun. Watching Play House Disney (which consists of Handy Manny a personal favorite, Imagination Movers, Jungle Junction & Mickey's Playhouse). Giving baths. Making bottles. Afternoon naps. TV time with Tyra & Oprah. Dinner. Laundry. Play dates. Need I even note doing all the aforementioned with hair and make-up done.

I was determined to make the most of our last week so we made our rounds and spent time with everyone who our lives wouldn't be the same without. I used Monday as a planning day and got our week mapped out.

I had a dinner date with Shanda. We met at my favorite restaurant Lenox Square Grill. We did some long overdue catching up, the last time I saw her was right before I had Elle which was Thanksgiving! And best of all she treated me :)



We went to Rebecca's for dinner. She made us chicken tortilla soup and for desert apple pie and ice cream. She mis-read the box and thought it was only going to take 15 minutes it actually took around 45 min. or so, but it was definitely worth the wait. When I'm at home and Elle's up I usually have the TV on disney or nickelodeon. It's true that the majority of the time she couldn't be less interested and is usually trying to figure out where I am and then stare me down until I pick her up. The three of us enjoyed Curious George, who I appreciate is a real monkey & communicates in genuine monkey grunts and coo's. Then we got pulled into the disney channel and noted that Zack & Cody from A Suite Life on Deck were looking older and "healthier" (anyone else remember there very chubby stage?). Followed by the Wizards of Waverly Place. All the while being pulled into a commercial they played every break about a new movie that was debuting over the weekend. We were in agreement if we were fifteen years younger we would have definitely been swooning over the cute boys who made up the more important part of the cast...lol! On a side note, later on that weekend when I was flipping through the TV guide I remembered the movie was coming on and auto-tuned it. Sadly, I was fast asleep before it came on at 8 o'clock...lol!





(Gymboree welcomed us with Elle & Kira's name on the chalkboard, Me & Elle, Kira & Elle)

Elle & I had our first play date with my girlfriend Kyi and her daughter Kira. We did a free class at Gymboree. Actually "free" was a $10 donation to St. Jude's. I wasn't sure if Elle was going to join us or not being that she was in the midst of some very good sleep. But after a lil' finagling she was up and partaking in the festivities. We sang songs, layed on our tummies, became one with our five senses and found the time to eat & get changed. We kept the good times rolling with lunch at Chick-fil-A! It was a sight to be seen. I could have never pictured me and Kyi together with kids. But I'm so glad to have another person who is going through the same things I am, understands and keeps me laughing along the way.

We did lunch with Tracy at PF Changs. I had never been there before and was not disappointed. It was not only really good food it was super inexpensive between the two us it was only $23?! It had snowed the night before so the roads were icy and everyone lost there damn mind, because that makes a whole lot of sense. You say the word "snow" in Georgia and you better start rationing bread & water. We drove slow and safe and made it in one piece. Since we were just right next door we went to the mall as well. I bought Elle some very cute sweat pants from H&M, they were only $5! I also treated myself to some bronzer that I love from bath and body works. Yes, I bronze and use self-tanner. I want that J-Low glow! Since it was on clearance I bought two and after raving about it Tracy bought two too! I also went scoping ear jewelry (i.e. earrings) for Elle. She's not old enough yet but as soon as she is we're getting those ears pierced. The piercing pagoda actually had a really great selection...I can't wait!

We rounded out our weekend going to a meetup group I joined so that we could both make some new friends. It wasn't too far from my house and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get out there and start socializing. My GPS that I love so much wasn't able to find the address to where we were going. Luckily, my handy dandy i-phone got us there with no problem. Once we're there I'm introducing myself and Elle and exchanging pleasantries. Elle starts to stir and I realize it's time to eat. I go to where I ALWAYS put her bottles and....DUN-DUN-DUN, I forgot the damn bottles. It took everything I had not to fall apart and burst into tears. But that was how the old Vanessa would have reacted the new Mom Vanessa remains cool, calm and collected while figuring out a solution. Actually to be honest I was appearing to keep it together while freaking out on the inside. The only thing I could do was go buy some formula. The nearest store was Target so that's where we headed. I made a mad dash to the baby section and of course they didn't have the particular kind Elle eats but they had the brand. So I made an executive decision to not switch brands, in fear that she'd hate me and just got a different type. As I was walking to the register it dawns on me that I need a bottle. I walk all the way back to the section I was at and proceed to walk in circles looking for a damn bottle. Eventually, I give up and search for some assistance and am directed to where the bottles are. Which on a normal day I would have been able to figure out but given my panic stricken state it just wasn't happening. Before heading for the check-out a second time I cruise by the purse section and find something I really like on clearance, mom's gonna treat herself! On the way to heading back to the meetup we have to stop and get gas=taking. up. more. time. But the last thing I wanna do is run out of gas with Elle, so we do what we must do. Once we're back I get some words of encouragement. No, I'm not the worst mother in the world. Yes, I'm going to forget stuff. Elle eats while I get to know the ladies and have a muffin. Which by the way I baked fresh that morning. I didn't want to come empty handed and apparently impressed everyone. Not so impressive the whole forgetting the formula but no one held it against me. WHEW :)




Last but certainly not least we spent the following afternoon with my bestie Dizzy. Me and Elle went over to her place following church to meet for lunch. We had some time to burn so after a quick diaper change we were in the car and headed to Target. I picked Elle up some new stuff a couple onesies, jacket and the cutest pair of leg warmers! We ate lunch at a very cute japanese spot, hibachi and all. It was another delicious meal as well as entertaining. Everyone was really personable and I am looking forward to going back, for Dizzy's birthday dinner (in March...lol). We spent our time catching up on lost time. I'm happy that she's not only back in my life but able to be a part of Ellie's (her nickname of choice).

XOXO

Thirty Days of Mommyhood

On the 28th I'd been a mom for a whole month. Woo-hoo! Not a significant milestone but a milestone nonetheless. It's amazing how much I've experienced in just a mere thirty days...

I absolutely love my daughter! She makes me incredibly happy which helps when I'm covered in urine and spit up. I'm happy to report that it doesn't even phase me now. All it means is it's time to put on a new shirt and decide whether or not her outfit is salvageable. You'd think I'd do a better job about using a burp cloth but I'm not and I'm okay with it. Lucky for me I like to do laundry and find folding laundry therapeutic. And even though I've heard several times that the day is going to come when I won't be anal-retentive about how her clothes are folded, I think they're wrong. Mothering is very hard work. Rewarding. But hard. When it's three o'clock in the morning and I'm walking to the kitchen to make a bottle & all I can think is "please let her fall back to sleep smoothly". Hard. When I've got a naked baby pooping. Hard (and gross). One morning as I was getting ready to bathe her she started her BM for the day and I gagged my way through it, start to finish. Luckily, Gram-Gram was there to serve as back-up. When she's crying and there's no soothing her. Hard. But when that smile appears on her face it's priceless. When she goes smoothly from falling asleep on me to being put in her crib, score! When I can get her changed or fed before the tears start...time for a celebratory dance. The morning I made a bottle sans the formula & didn't realize it until I was shaking the bottle, hilarious! My ability to do everything from opening doors to putting on make-up with one hand, impressive. She has a wardrobe she doesn't quite fit yet. She's outgrown her newborn onesies but after trial and error I realize that she still needs newborn sized clothes. I'm kooky about her hair. I expect her outfits to match, socks and all. If you couldn't tell I'm one of "those moms" and I embrace every bit of it.

Nipples Were Meant to Hurt
I decided early on I was going to breastfeed. It's best for both baby and mom. I heard how it hurts but it's one of those things you have to live to truly understand. I can say now however I get it. It's an intense commitment and after eighteen days I threw in the breast pump! In just a matter of days I had my Elle successfully on formula and after a recommendation from her pediatrician I found one the she could eat and digest minus the sour faces and looks like I was trying to murder her. I can look back on those days fondly. It really is this amazing bonding experience but mom wants her boobs back...lol.

Estrogen is Powerful
The range of emotions I felt ran the gambit. Everything from genuine happiness and fulfillment to overwhelming frustration and anger. I can say that first week or so home I really didn't want to let anyone else hold her. I was completely content with it just being the two of us. Everyone was welcomed to look from afar but that was it. After a blowout and some tears I can say that I've successfully moved through that portion of the emotional roller coaster, here's to whatever comes next!

XOXO


PS-Merry Christmas & Happy New Year from the two of us!

Hello World....Here we Are!

The day following our departure from the hospital was filled with appointments and tests for Elle & tears and frustration for myself....


We had to be a Northside Outpatient bright and early. Elle was born with jaundice & spent the four days of our hospital stay doing phototherapy to address it. By the end of our stay her level was low enough for her to go home, sans the phototherapy bed which FYI the hospital was going to send us home with if need be. Luckily, that wasn't necessary. But we had to make sure that her progress was still moving in the right direction hence our visit back to Northside. When we arrived my sweet girl was sound asleep and bundled up which made me uneasy when it came time to peel off the layers so that her little foot could get pricked. But to my surprise she didn't cry at all! I was such a proud mama :)


Before I lead you to believe that I was cool, calm and collected let me be honest. I cried in the waiting room. First, I was in a lot of pain. I hadn't gotten my prescriptions filled yet and the meds I had taken before leaving the hospital had worn off. Every step, breath & cough was extremely painful enough to cause tears on there own but let's not forget to factor in my emotional state. I didn't like not being able to drive, I couldn't carry Elle in the car seat because it was way to heavy, and I was walking like a eighty year old lady. Que the waterworks! But after I expressed that to my mom and Don I felt A LOT better and was able to move through the rest of the day with no problem. After the hospital we went and had breakfast. This is what my babygirl spent the day looking like...quiet and peaceful.

Our next appointment was with the pediatrician. I spent the visit taking pictures of everything from her head being measured to her being weighed. One of my favorite moments was when Elle made a bowel movement as we waited for the doctor. Just when we thought she was done, she wasn't! As my mom was telling me to put down the camera and get some wipes and a new pad I kept clicking away. Since you probably don't want to see it I'll spare you. Guess it's just one of the things only a mother can appreciate. Our pediatrican is absolutely fabulous! I met her over the summer and knew right away that she was a perfect fit for us.



Here she is with my Elle :)




Our final stop of the day was at Wal-Mart which meant time to get mom some much needed medicine! I was in so much pain that there was no way I could walk around so my mom pushed me around in a wheelchair...gotta love moms!

XOXO

November 28th, 8:45pm

When I left the doctor's office on Wednesday (11/24) this is what I knew: my dr. talked to the nurse about her inappropriate-ness & apologized, he was impressed with the e-mail I sent him and didn't think the title "Receptionist" was doing me any justice (LOVES IT! PS-one day I will be "Office Manager") BUT most importantly I could go into labor ANY day.

Thanksgiving came and went. It was a really good day. Just me, mom, don & grams. Lots of good food, delicious apple cobbler and a ton of rest.

Saturday marked a very important day for my Georgia Bulldogs, we were scheduled to play Tech at 8:00. Nothing better then a good ol' in-state rivalry and a prime-time time slot. I did manage to get some cleaning and organizing in even though it was more like doing stuff for five or ten minutes then laying down for a half-hour. Not exactly productivity at its finest but it's all I had to give.

Telling this story in hindsight comes with pros & cons. On one hand I can close my eyes and remember it like it was yesterday but not being able to do this in the moment makes me feel like I'm bound to leave something out. But here goes nothing...

Contractions hurt! Hurt doesn't really do the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life quite the justice it deserves. So just to make sure I'm being clear here are some synonyms of the word hurt: aggrieved, agonized, busted up, impaired, in pain, suffering, unhappy, etc., etc., so on and so forth. Looking back on conversations I had about pregnancy and birth the topic of contractions was very conveniently skipped. I. Understand. I think I've done as good as job as I could in conveying this to my girlfriends because as the days past it's honestly becoming more of a distant memory. Here's to forgetting and at the same time remembering all that pain brings life into the world. All I can say is I'm honored to be following in the path of the women before me...lol.
When the first contraction hit I knew it meant get the hell up and get to the hospital. Here's the thing though, I looked an utter mess & my hospital bag was only half packed. Ironically, what was in the bag had been put there the night before. So when I thought it was safe I got up, changed my outfit, fixed my hair, spruced up my face and made it next door to where my parents were all before the next contraction hit. I sat at the top of the stairs and called my doctor. Contraction. I moved to the couch and through another contraction spoke with the advice nurse who ultimately said, "Ma'am call your doctor and go to the hospital." In the car and exiting the subdivision I heard from my doctor. Insert relief. The ride to the hospital can at best be described as hilarious. I sent some texts and did manage to talk on the phone twice. My mom and grams had a conversation about a thrift store my grams had went to earlier in the day. It was in buckhead and definitely on the nicer side of thrift establishments. Grams said they had nice coats/jackets for five or six bucks and my mom asks if that included furs. All I could do was laugh. Really mom? Grams busts out with if that were the case she would have bought one. Finally...driving down 285. In all I had three contractions. Yelling, crying, gripping the side of the seat for dear life, breathing and this on repeat in my head..."it's your first baby. this is going to take some time." Please say it ain't so.
The hospital tour paid off as we sped up to the Labor and Delivery entrance. Turned on the hazards. I opened the car door, stood up and quickly realized I needed to sit back down and wait for the wheelchair patiently. As I'm rolled up to the check-in desk, contraction, tears, and the filling out of paperwork. Just a few minutes go by and I've got my room assignment and me and my mom are in route. I get my instructions to disrobe & soon have two very constricting and uncomfortable straps around my stomach monitoring mine and Elle's vitals. Now when the contractions hit there is a machine that shows it beginning and ending. Comforting huh? I'm laying on my side crying. Everyone is telling me to breathe through the contractions but that's easier said then done. I felt helpless against the pain. All I could think of was how much more of this I was in store for because all that pain had only lead me to being dilated one centimeter.


Only nine more to go...or so I thought. Our vitals would be normal and then all of sudden not. Normal. Not. After playing the "roll to your other side" game it became clear that there was a chance I wouldn't be delivering my daughter as planned. Because in what felt like a matter of only minutes it went from "you could end up having a cesarean" to "you're having a cesarean." Enter epidural. Contraction. I squeezed the nurses hand as she very nicely in a whisper told me that I couldn't move and sacrificed her hand to help me through two painful experiences happening simultaneously. I could only take one person in the operating room with me. Although my first choice my mother when she returned to the room after updating everyone waiting in the lobby she asked how I felt about my sister being with me instead. And that was that. She was right there with me as my Elle came into the world.



Meet the Brown's! This was mine & Elle's first picture together :)

I'm a MOM! XOXO