So I'm late. I've got more on my plate then can fit and well this is part of what fell off. I'll press pause on whining about any of that and get back to the topic at hand...dropping some pounds!
The question for last weeks was, "What have you tried or what are you planning to try to change it up a little?"
What I'd like to do to change my routine up is start walking at the park. Although I've got the fancy schmancy gym membership, this for me is a lil' outside of my comfort zone. For one I'm notorious for laughing at people who exercise outside. In most instances it's those who are running/walking. People do funny stuff. So before you judge me, I think it's only fair that people laugh at me as well. See there, balance...LOL! But seriously my goal is to go three times a week and walk two miles. I figure it's best to be realistic and set an attainable goal. Not to mention I can bring Elle along with me and it'll be some much needed mommy-daughter time injected into our week.
Here's to taking on the concrete jungle!
XOXO
Monday, May 17, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
A Bandaid Ain't Gonna Fix It!
I realized rather quickly last evening that I was in an all out battle with my mother. Prior to abruptly being told that I would be "dealt" with so to speak in a few days, I didn't understand the magnitude of what I created. In true Vanessa fashion...I cried. And I cried some more & then I called Tracy & you guessed it, cried just a lil' bit more. As my babe drifted off to sleep I decided that something, one thing in particular needed to change. It's hard to put into words but there's a part of me that feels underestimated by mother. Yes, I'm all for the "it's takes a village to raise a child" but I'm the leader of said village!
Although my mother doesn't quite care for my airing of what one would consider "private/personal" this blog is about my life. All of it, which she so cleverly pointed out I don't dish about things intimate nature. This is not one of "those" kinds of blogs...lol! I'm feel confident in having covered that. The last time I checked we all know how babies are made :) But on serious note I want to make sure I convey that I love my mother. She drives me crazy and I know I give it right back to her; but, this is the dynamic of our relationship. No, it's not all giggles, laughs and pony's. But it's honest maybe not open in the sense that we just hash it out right then and there but we're working on it.
With all of that said I've come to the decision to put in Elle in daycare. For the past six months Elle has been the very lucky recipient of first class care. But it's A LOT of work! I can only one day hope to be a stay at home mom but in the mean time this working mom is going to give her mom a break. I'm not gonna lie it freaks me out to imagine dropping my baby girl off but I know that she is going to be in very capable and caring hands. I've found a great deal at the daycare a family friend works at. It's honestly a big huge blessing because childcare is anything but cheap. Not only that she'll be the hands of someone that I trust and that is a huge relief. We've, that would be my mother & I have yet to come to decision on the specifics but come the beginning of next month Elle will be starting her passage on becoming a woman of the world. I just hope we each are able to understand this is just a natural progression of things. She's got social skills & independence to aquire and well I've got to learn how to help guide her without being a "helicopter" mom. So here's to a few days of tears on both our parts but more importantly here's to us making our way in the world, together!
XOXO
Although my mother doesn't quite care for my airing of what one would consider "private/personal" this blog is about my life. All of it, which she so cleverly pointed out I don't dish about things intimate nature. This is not one of "those" kinds of blogs...lol! I'm feel confident in having covered that. The last time I checked we all know how babies are made :) But on serious note I want to make sure I convey that I love my mother. She drives me crazy and I know I give it right back to her; but, this is the dynamic of our relationship. No, it's not all giggles, laughs and pony's. But it's honest maybe not open in the sense that we just hash it out right then and there but we're working on it.
With all of that said I've come to the decision to put in Elle in daycare. For the past six months Elle has been the very lucky recipient of first class care. But it's A LOT of work! I can only one day hope to be a stay at home mom but in the mean time this working mom is going to give her mom a break. I'm not gonna lie it freaks me out to imagine dropping my baby girl off but I know that she is going to be in very capable and caring hands. I've found a great deal at the daycare a family friend works at. It's honestly a big huge blessing because childcare is anything but cheap. Not only that she'll be the hands of someone that I trust and that is a huge relief. We've, that would be my mother & I have yet to come to decision on the specifics but come the beginning of next month Elle will be starting her passage on becoming a woman of the world. I just hope we each are able to understand this is just a natural progression of things. She's got social skills & independence to aquire and well I've got to learn how to help guide her without being a "helicopter" mom. So here's to a few days of tears on both our parts but more importantly here's to us making our way in the world, together!
XOXO
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Say what you Mean, and Mean what you say, but don't say it Mean
I can honestly say when it comes to talking open & honestly it's something that I'm still working on. It's not so much that it's hard to be open or honest it's the getting it out part. Thinking too much before you speak has got to be as bad as not thinking at all. At least this is the realization that I'm coming to.
When it comes the relationship I have with my mother it's one that means the world to me and frustrates the hell out of me, simultaneously. The entire purpose of this blog was share my triumphs and failures in way that allows me to get what I need off my chest and be honest with myself. It becomes challenging to do that when the people I write about are also the people who not only read this but who are a daily part of my life, i.e. my mother. There are times when I don't think she really understands the the affect of hers in a "grand scheme" of things kind of way. She's my biggest fan and critic all rolled up in one. It can all be too much at times and this is one of those times. Up to this point I haven't told anyone but my mother that she makes me feel like what I've termed "a deadbeat mom." In my pursuit to hold on and live the remainder of my single girl lifestyle I've heard some very hurtful things, all which I've expressed to her. It's our main point of contention and just when I think all is good and well I'm slapped in the face with the actuality that it couldn't be any further from the truth. It's aggravating but more than that it's hurtful.
Here's the thing: my mother is very much a homebody. I can remember being a little girl and she was Friday nights and weekends. I'm definitely a social butterfly to put it mildly. I enjoy nights out and time with my girlfriends. I don't think I do anything to the point where it's at the expense of Elle, but I could be mistaken. I thought we were finally reaching something that resembled balance. Balance between being a mom and being Vanessa (oh yeah, I'm still definitely someone's mother). Then in moments like this I feel like I'm back at square one and the only way to make things right is to grovel for forgiveness. I don't want to grovel. I want to be able to talk and even hear things I may not like if that means that we're moving forward. That's the problem in and of itself...communication. I'm sure if you asked my mother she'd admit that she is hardest on me mainly because she has a different level of expectation of me. That much I get.
This all stems from you guessed it, a miscommunication. What I would have done, what I wanted my mother to do and what my mother did are all three VERY different things. This all started with my Grams saying she'd take evening duties of Elle. Well, when dusk was upon us she wasn't exactly stepping up to the plate in a way which communicated to my mother that she was ready to take over. I would have just talked to Grams about it. She's the furthest from old and senile but there have been instances in the past where it either slipped her mind or she got her days confused. Like I said she's old...LOL! I wanted my mother to just talk to her! But that didn't happen. As I approached my destination I got a phone call that started like this, "Vee, I need you to go to some place quiet..." that can't be leading to anything good and it sure didn't! What my mother did , was unleash her frustration and tiredness (PS-she did have Elle all day) on yours truly. I was the recipient of what I think should have gone to someone else (i.e. Grams) but I guess that's part of being the mom. It all eventually circles back to me! I can honestly say I gave turning around and saying fuck it, some serious thought. It's like what's the point of making a plan when all falls apart and I'm the one to blame. All my mother hears is, "I don't not want to do things because I have Elle" now this is in context of something completely different but yet this is what was thrown at me. It's honestly how I feel. If there is something I want to do and Elle is a part of it, so be it. But I'm not NOT going to do something because I have her. She is a part of my life, like the biggest part. She lucked out and got a very social and happening mama. This she will come to know very soon. And for it she will have grace, style and sophistication very much like her mother.
As it stands like with every anger fueled exchange we're at the part where we aren't speaking to each other. I know sooner than later this will be just another "Vanette & Vanessa" moment but for the right now, it sucks! I don't want me and Elle to be like this. Sure some of it is normal, at least I think but if she isn't able to talk to me candidly, then who? That makes me laugh cause right now Elle can't talk...but one day my lil' baby is going to be a fiesty teenager, lord help me!
XOXO
"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” ~Anthony Robbins
When it comes the relationship I have with my mother it's one that means the world to me and frustrates the hell out of me, simultaneously. The entire purpose of this blog was share my triumphs and failures in way that allows me to get what I need off my chest and be honest with myself. It becomes challenging to do that when the people I write about are also the people who not only read this but who are a daily part of my life, i.e. my mother. There are times when I don't think she really understands the the affect of hers in a "grand scheme" of things kind of way. She's my biggest fan and critic all rolled up in one. It can all be too much at times and this is one of those times. Up to this point I haven't told anyone but my mother that she makes me feel like what I've termed "a deadbeat mom." In my pursuit to hold on and live the remainder of my single girl lifestyle I've heard some very hurtful things, all which I've expressed to her. It's our main point of contention and just when I think all is good and well I'm slapped in the face with the actuality that it couldn't be any further from the truth. It's aggravating but more than that it's hurtful.
Here's the thing: my mother is very much a homebody. I can remember being a little girl and she was Friday nights and weekends. I'm definitely a social butterfly to put it mildly. I enjoy nights out and time with my girlfriends. I don't think I do anything to the point where it's at the expense of Elle, but I could be mistaken. I thought we were finally reaching something that resembled balance. Balance between being a mom and being Vanessa (oh yeah, I'm still definitely someone's mother). Then in moments like this I feel like I'm back at square one and the only way to make things right is to grovel for forgiveness. I don't want to grovel. I want to be able to talk and even hear things I may not like if that means that we're moving forward. That's the problem in and of itself...communication. I'm sure if you asked my mother she'd admit that she is hardest on me mainly because she has a different level of expectation of me. That much I get.
This all stems from you guessed it, a miscommunication. What I would have done, what I wanted my mother to do and what my mother did are all three VERY different things. This all started with my Grams saying she'd take evening duties of Elle. Well, when dusk was upon us she wasn't exactly stepping up to the plate in a way which communicated to my mother that she was ready to take over. I would have just talked to Grams about it. She's the furthest from old and senile but there have been instances in the past where it either slipped her mind or she got her days confused. Like I said she's old...LOL! I wanted my mother to just talk to her! But that didn't happen. As I approached my destination I got a phone call that started like this, "Vee, I need you to go to some place quiet..." that can't be leading to anything good and it sure didn't! What my mother did , was unleash her frustration and tiredness (PS-she did have Elle all day) on yours truly. I was the recipient of what I think should have gone to someone else (i.e. Grams) but I guess that's part of being the mom. It all eventually circles back to me! I can honestly say I gave turning around and saying fuck it, some serious thought. It's like what's the point of making a plan when all falls apart and I'm the one to blame. All my mother hears is, "I don't not want to do things because I have Elle" now this is in context of something completely different but yet this is what was thrown at me. It's honestly how I feel. If there is something I want to do and Elle is a part of it, so be it. But I'm not NOT going to do something because I have her. She is a part of my life, like the biggest part. She lucked out and got a very social and happening mama. This she will come to know very soon. And for it she will have grace, style and sophistication very much like her mother.
As it stands like with every anger fueled exchange we're at the part where we aren't speaking to each other. I know sooner than later this will be just another "Vanette & Vanessa" moment but for the right now, it sucks! I don't want me and Elle to be like this. Sure some of it is normal, at least I think but if she isn't able to talk to me candidly, then who? That makes me laugh cause right now Elle can't talk...but one day my lil' baby is going to be a fiesty teenager, lord help me!
XOXO
"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” ~Anthony Robbins
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
You Can Run BUT You Can't Hide...
At least not for long!
When it comes to the baby making process one can not do it alone. Not surprisingly, in my case I didn't do it alone. However, when it comes to this thing called parenthood I'm very much in it alone. I've got a fabulous supporting cast and this would very much be a different experience without them but I don't have a teammate, as it goes it's Team Mom :)
I'll be the first proponent for the understanding that having a baby means doesn't mean togetherness on any level. It's a nice idea and all but that isn't necessarily how it works out.
I knew from the very beginning that DaddyWarBucks was not going to of his own free will hand over his money. I was going to have to rip it out of his hands. This marks the beginning of said ripping. From the looks of it it's going to be a long (albeit painful) tearing process. With a court date set my heart literally pounded out of my chest. All I could think was this is real. Really my life. This man really thinks he can choose to not be financially responsible for the life he took part in creating. That aside he's already a Dad! Evidently being responsible father of one doesn't mean when child number two comes along, the same will hold true. The day prior to the court appearance I called as stated on the paperwork and made sure that it was still on the calendar & was a go. After nearly having to give a urine sample to identify myself it took a matter of seconds to find out that the next step in the process would not be happening. As of yet he hasn't been served...Round #1-DaddyWarBucks. There is no way of knowing or predicting what the future holds. Elle is happy and healthy, that is matters to me most. Money is and will be just that, money. It's not time or love and when Elle looks back on her childhood those are two things that will matter more than anything can buy. Besides she's mesmerized by the simplest of things right now, $20 maracas that count, say colors and play music in english and spanish, not so much; BUT plastic QT cup to play with during bath time and the girl is in love!
There are moments when all I see when I look at Elle is him. It hurts my heart that this is the choice that he's making. He's missing out on knowing the most beautifully precious person.
XOXO
When it comes to the baby making process one can not do it alone. Not surprisingly, in my case I didn't do it alone. However, when it comes to this thing called parenthood I'm very much in it alone. I've got a fabulous supporting cast and this would very much be a different experience without them but I don't have a teammate, as it goes it's Team Mom :)
I'll be the first proponent for the understanding that having a baby means doesn't mean togetherness on any level. It's a nice idea and all but that isn't necessarily how it works out.
Sidebar-I was watching the telly last night and saw this very interesting show. The woman was a paraplegic and she had a baby. It was actually an update. It had been four years & over this span of time she had gotten divorced, was dealing with not feeling/being back to how she felt pre-pregnancy and she could not have been a better example for what women will sacrifice for their kids. She in my opinion was the definition of strength. She required attendants to help her and aid in raising her son. But she saw the beauty and gift in life and although things weren't how she had pictured them ending up she was making the most of the life she had. It was actually very inspiring. It definitely put things in perspective. She was also venturing back out on to the dating scene. So there we have it...I'm not only going to love this thing called motherhood more then I thought I was capable of & I'm gonna find me a man!
I knew from the very beginning that DaddyWarBucks was not going to of his own free will hand over his money. I was going to have to rip it out of his hands. This marks the beginning of said ripping. From the looks of it it's going to be a long (albeit painful) tearing process. With a court date set my heart literally pounded out of my chest. All I could think was this is real. Really my life. This man really thinks he can choose to not be financially responsible for the life he took part in creating. That aside he's already a Dad! Evidently being responsible father of one doesn't mean when child number two comes along, the same will hold true. The day prior to the court appearance I called as stated on the paperwork and made sure that it was still on the calendar & was a go. After nearly having to give a urine sample to identify myself it took a matter of seconds to find out that the next step in the process would not be happening. As of yet he hasn't been served...Round #1-DaddyWarBucks. There is no way of knowing or predicting what the future holds. Elle is happy and healthy, that is matters to me most. Money is and will be just that, money. It's not time or love and when Elle looks back on her childhood those are two things that will matter more than anything can buy. Besides she's mesmerized by the simplest of things right now, $20 maracas that count, say colors and play music in english and spanish, not so much; BUT plastic QT cup to play with during bath time and the girl is in love!
There are moments when all I see when I look at Elle is him. It hurts my heart that this is the choice that he's making. He's missing out on knowing the most beautifully precious person.
XOXO
Week #1-Focusing on the Positive
So as I begin the sendoff to this final 20lbs., week one rather fittingly begins with a glass half-full take on yourself. The question is: What is the one thing that you find makes you feel beautiful/good about yourself? And why?
At first I was anything but bombarded with answers, LOL! But after spending the majority of the day thinking about it I'd have say being bronze makes me feel good about myself. Yes, for those of you who are questioning my ethnicity; I indeed am black (and puerto-rican) and I love sunless tanner/bronzing lotion. I am not severely darker then my natural complexion but I have what I'd consider a lovely glow. Since I'm not able (and FYI-it's not healthy) to roast under the sun, I go this route. I've been doing it for years and normally start right around spring. I'd have to say Jennifer Lopez was my muse so to speak. I think she has gorgeous skin and to me there is nothing like pulling off a sunkissed glow.
XOXO
At first I was anything but bombarded with answers, LOL! But after spending the majority of the day thinking about it I'd have say being bronze makes me feel good about myself. Yes, for those of you who are questioning my ethnicity; I indeed am black (and puerto-rican) and I love sunless tanner/bronzing lotion. I am not severely darker then my natural complexion but I have what I'd consider a lovely glow. Since I'm not able (and FYI-it's not healthy) to roast under the sun, I go this route. I've been doing it for years and normally start right around spring. I'd have to say Jennifer Lopez was my muse so to speak. I think she has gorgeous skin and to me there is nothing like pulling off a sunkissed glow.
XOXO
Friday, April 30, 2010
150 Days of Mommyhood
On the day of the 28th, it wasn't til' about 7:00 that it dawned on me that it was Elle's five month anniversary on the planet. As I was talking about the date I actually thought it was the next day. Oppsy?! The picture above probably describes life best right now. For one, I'm exhausted. The days start as early as 4:45 and they don't end till' 9:00 or 10:00 that night. During the week I've got my morning routine down to about thirty-five minutes and that includes a shower! My hair is curly, the make-up is minimal (just enough to not scare anybody) & on a good day I'm scurrying out of the house no later then seven o'clock to start my commute to work. The funny thing is on this particular morning we were up before the sun at around 4:40, Elle was bright eyed and bushy tailed...LOL! After a brief once over I realized that she was indeed ready to start the day and so it began. The treat for me (yes there was something for mom) is that I was able to dry & straighten my hair. I'm pretty sure I was on-time to work too. Double win!
Elle has added oatmeal to the list of foods she's eating! We mix it with some fruit and babygirl is good to go. Although she is a lady of lesiure my mom is keeping her up longer throughout the day which ready's us for a successful full nights rest, which is rather nice. She's reaching and grabbing for things. One of her new favorites is my hair! I'm not lying when I tell you the girls got a fierce grip. She's teething. You can feel em' coming in but there is no evidence of them quite yet. The drool is non-stop & she's perfected being able to pull the passy out of her mouth and knaw on it. Not gonna lie, it's impressive. She's an absolute beauty and has a bubbly personality. Hold on, for a second I thought I was describing myself :) She lights up when she see's me after a long day apart. I think she's loves me?! Her growth and development amazes me. My little baby is growing into a little person and even though it's hard not to look forward to future milestones, I'm really gonna try and enjoy and embrace the present because I'm never going to get it back.
XOXO
Monday, April 26, 2010
What Happened to Having Manners?
I'm what you'd call a "good girl." At least that is many a people's perception of me. Do I think it's way off? No, not at all. From an early age I've always sorta known that and at least outwardly did the best I could to live up to it. There was however a bump in this flawlessly paved road...I got pregnant. Good girls don't get pregnant. Wait. Scratch that. Do good girls even have sex...hmmmm?! LOL. A part of me can't help but feel kicked out of the club.
Over the weekend I ran into an old high school classmate/college roommate. It was great to see her, initially. After the girly yelp, hug and once over the very first out of this grown woman's mouth is: "I'm not gonna lie it kinda freaked me out you had a kid." Insert deep breath. Count to five. Just for fun take another deep breath. My response: You have two choices. Either you have a baby or you don't. I had a baby. She immediately chimed in: "NO, NO, you did the right thing!" Here's a warning that what I'm about to say might offend some people but I'm not going to make any apologies. Damn pro-lifers! I say that because I feel most harshly judged by people who don't see a choice. You got pregnant. You're having a baby. Except in reality it's not that simple. Facing parenthood alone is an awfully scary thing. It's ultimately a battle between this amazing realization that there is a life inside of you and the ulgy truth that is everything else. You have to do what's right for you. I did & even though I'm still most certainly working through the kinks if I for minute thought that I couldn't do this I would have seriously considered the alternatives. But alas, here we are...myself and Elle that is. She could not possibly bring more love and laughter into my life if she tried.
Having an opinion is clearly something that we're all entitled to. However, that doesn't give you the right to just say it. It's called tact and it's something that I think more people need to use. What happened to thinking before you speak? What happened to just shutting the hell up? What happened to good ol' fashioned gossiping? You know, telling your friend about this friend you have and so on and so forth. Hmmmmm....
All I can be is Vanessa. Mom. Friend. Lover.
XOXO
PS-Whoever and wherever the lady in charge is. Please consider reinstating my membership, it would mean a lot to this good girl.
Over the weekend I ran into an old high school classmate/college roommate. It was great to see her, initially. After the girly yelp, hug and once over the very first out of this grown woman's mouth is: "I'm not gonna lie it kinda freaked me out you had a kid." Insert deep breath. Count to five. Just for fun take another deep breath. My response: You have two choices. Either you have a baby or you don't. I had a baby. She immediately chimed in: "NO, NO, you did the right thing!" Here's a warning that what I'm about to say might offend some people but I'm not going to make any apologies. Damn pro-lifers! I say that because I feel most harshly judged by people who don't see a choice. You got pregnant. You're having a baby. Except in reality it's not that simple. Facing parenthood alone is an awfully scary thing. It's ultimately a battle between this amazing realization that there is a life inside of you and the ulgy truth that is everything else. You have to do what's right for you. I did & even though I'm still most certainly working through the kinks if I for minute thought that I couldn't do this I would have seriously considered the alternatives. But alas, here we are...myself and Elle that is. She could not possibly bring more love and laughter into my life if she tried.
Having an opinion is clearly something that we're all entitled to. However, that doesn't give you the right to just say it. It's called tact and it's something that I think more people need to use. What happened to thinking before you speak? What happened to just shutting the hell up? What happened to good ol' fashioned gossiping? You know, telling your friend about this friend you have and so on and so forth. Hmmmmm....
All I can be is Vanessa. Mom. Friend. Lover.
XOXO
PS-Whoever and wherever the lady in charge is. Please consider reinstating my membership, it would mean a lot to this good girl.
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