Happy Father's Day...Mom

I woke up Sunday saddened by the thought that this time next year my future son or daughter won't have a father around to lavish love & a gift bought by mom on. The inevitable "dad conversation" is something that's hard not to think about. Being the best mom possible may not be enough to fill what could possibly be an unavoidable hole. In my own experience, I love my father. I think he's a jerk but nonetheless, I love him. In his absence I saw my mother work her ass off to support me and my siblings. And that's the example that drives me to be the best me that I can possibly be. It can be done.

Through the course of the day I came across this article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/article.aspx?cp-documentid=20440872&GT1=32001. I chalk it up to a new version of the blame game. Here's the thing I don't see myself anywhere in it. I tend to lean more towards taking these situations on a case by case basis. Everyone and there circumstance are different. Here are my thoughts:

• My child has one father. I know who he is, he knows who he is and one day my son/daughter will know. I've never been a fan of women who push the "dad" title on men who one aren't the father and two exhibit no qualities of a man that would be. Just because your dating some dude doesn't mean he's worthy of being called dad. What happens when the relationship is over? What kind of example is that setting, especially for our girls that will grow to be women? I myself have seen it first hand. My nieces mother played that daddy nonsense with my brother and her older son (that was from a previous relationship). He was fully aware of who his dad was and I don't think he wanted to call my brother dad but did because that's what his mom wanted him to do.
• I would agree with the belief that courts tend to lean toward giving custody to mom over dad. And no not every single mother who enters a court room is necessarily the better pick over dad. But for who knows how long men have chose to walk out of the life of both mother and baby upon finding out she was pregnant. Take myself for example, case and point. I'll be the first to admit that we weren't in a relationship but that doesn't make it okay to exit stage right. It's called responsibility.

I can say that I think the blame game needs to come to a quick and abrupt end. As adults we know how babies are made and if the necessary precautions aren't taken the results are life changing, in the shape of a pregnancy (or worse an STD).

mommy to be. XOXO

Effortless Tears

I'm feeling incredibly emotional, it's manifesting itself in tears. Normally the last thing I'd think about is sharing it with the world (i.e. the four people who read this regularly...lol). But if my purpose is narrate all of this...smiles, frowns and all; thus far, I'm guilty of leaving out a significant chunk of happenings'.

Maybe it can just be chalked up to "one of those days." I was dragging this morning. It's been a few weeks since I hit the snooze so many times. In an effort to be more healthy I packed my lunch which also ate up valuable minutes. I usually watch the news on channel 2 (I totally have a crush on Ryan Young.) but I can stay up on how traffic and such is going until they inevitably start the circle over again by re-hashing everything they just did right before they cut to commercial. I missed all that this morning. The end of the story is me ending up at work at 9:30 as opposed to my intended start time at 8:00. There were no shortcuts to take. Everywhere I turned there was a sea of brake lights. Luckily, my GPS was able to get me around 285 and on to 75 it just took two hours. So there's that. Next, would be that I'm hungry. I don't know what's going on but within the last week or so my appetite is out of control. I didn't eat before I left because I planned on eating the yogurt I have here at work. Well by the time that happened it was less than satisfying. To be honest all I could think about was how a Krispy Kreme doughnut would make it all better. Horrible. True. And insanely hilarious!

And all of that would bring me to the moment the tears came. As I settle into the day and make my to do list I did my usual social network browsing and saw a picture that opened the flood gates. It honestly just made me sad. I wasn't there. In the pictures part of the memories. It also brought up the extreme amount of pressure I feel with regards to having to raise money for the breast cancer 3-day. I feel overwhelmed by it. I wish there was a way to bow out gracefully but there isn't. It's a commitment I made and am being held to. One way or another $2300 will be my contribution to the fight against breast cancer. I just need to get the ball rolling but sometimes it's hard to find the energy it's all requiring of me.

Wooooo-ssssaaaaaaaahhhhhh.....I'm still hungry. I think I'm going to eat my lunch. Maybe I should start bringing two lunches?! Can you just feel the weight gain, I can!

mommy to be. XOXO

Choices...

I read this article: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/choosing-not-to-keep-the-baby/?src=twt&twt=nytimes, and even though our decisions in the end are different, everything that comprises the "in between" is the same.

Sharing that I was pregnant with my girlfriends was more of an eye opening experience then I ever imagined it could be. I learned about there personal struggle in the very same situation. You know contributing to the percentage of the population of black, single, pregnant women wasn't exactly on my things to do list. But three months ago I, just like them stood at a decision making crossroad. I'm unwavering in the choice that I made. I'm becoming a mother and that I honestly couldn't be happier about. But there are bits and pieces of Emmie's story that are a part of my own...

1. I'm dealing with the guilt I feel about what will be my non-presence in the first few weeks of my baby's life. I get two weeks paid leave with the option of taking up to twelve; however, the remaining ten weeks would be unpaid. Needless to say fourteen days after giving birth I will be returning to work and leaving the newly beginning life of my newborn in the (very able) hands of my family. Which in itself leads to more guilt with having to lean on them in this way. There's no way around it until at least six weeks. Then enter daycare and that familiar sense of guiltiness.
2. My friendships are changing. Prior to being pregnant I was always doing something with someone. And now....not so much. A part of me wants to yell at the top of my lungs "I'm not dead. I'm pregnant." No, drinking doesn't have the same appeal it once did. I won't be drinking for sometime given my pledge to breastfeed. I've traded my vodka redbulls for shirley temples and I had a very draining first trimester, I'm still VANESSA. The person who enjoys doing things, being social and having fun. I think for some the verdict is still out as far as how my friendships will continue to grow and develop. It's somewhat of a daunting thing to face.
3. As it stands, my future son or daughter is sans a father. That's the choice he's made. Life will go on...

I definitely feel more determined then ever to become the mother I always pictured myself being. There's so much to look forward to and be happy about. This is my sometimes tumultuous but for the most part amazing adventure.

mommy to be. XOXO

The Suggestion Box is....FULL!

Today marks forty-seven days since my last entry. I was about six weeks then and now I'm thirteen. I'd like to say that over the course of the last seven weeks time has flown...it hasn't. I'm glad to be heading into my second trimester but for awhile there things weren't all hugs and kisses.

Sharing this news with my family and friends yielded quite the range of reactions. Something I had to come to terms with was that I was destroying this image my family had of me. What followed were some pretty heated talks and plenty of tears. There was one person in particular who after I talked to, walked out on, cried, came back and found resolution with I realized that there was more of this ahead. We're all entitled to our opinion's but there were moments when I wished they had kept them to themselves. I'm not sure that those people are aware of how much there words hurt me. Right now I'm estranged from someone I built a really special friendship with, my best friend. We happen not to see eye to eye on something and haven't spoken since then and it makes me sad not to be sharing these moments with her. I hope that eventually we'll reconcile. Then I had a very interesting conversation with this guy. We don't really talk all that much anymore and I guess once he caught wind of my news he wanted to "congratulate" me. I use the quote marks for obvious reasons...he did anything but that. First, he told me that he was completely dumbfounded when he heard that I had gotten pregnant. Like there's no way you mean who I think you do. He went on to say that he was sad for my future son or daughter. That not having both parents isn't fair to him or her. That brought me back to when I told DaddyWarbucks I was pregnant. He said the same thing. But in my opinion if (and hopefully when) he decides to be a father that has more to do with the child then me. He's the one missing out and choosing to make this solely about not being able to fulfill a financial obligation. During the course of this conversation he asked me if I considered not keeping the baby and that's when I decided it was about time to get off the phone.

Being pregnant has been filled with every emotion imaginable (i.e. happy, scared, doubtful, uncertainty, etc.). In the midst of this amazing experience I'm coming to terms with what a life changing experience this truly is. A lot of the reason I stopped blogging was because what I was showing on the outside wasn't in tune with what I was feeling on the inside. I'm all out of sorts and dealing with the changes in my friendships and the extreme loneliness I feel. Everyone's lives are going on and at times I feel like I'm being left behind. I'm in a place of redefining who I am and learning to love that person just as much as I did the other one. I've always known what type of mother I want to be and to truly embody that there are things that have got to change. I suppose these are just my growing pains. Here's to not gaining too much weight gain and minimal stretch marks....

mommy to be. XOXO