Embracing all the Parts of Motherhood....Except the Mom-Jeans

Dream a Little, Dream of Me

2012-01-26T11:04:00.000-08:00

Day 23-The most vivid dream...

The most vivid dream I've had was about my daughter. I saw her attending "our" dream school. Yes, I've already visited and it was love at first sight. It's a private all girls school and it's everything I know she deserves. Come graduation these young women are going on to continued success both in and out of the classroom. I see it so clearly her in a uniform, getting dropped off at carpool, forging friendships, intelligence and extracurriculars. Brains and beauty, that's my girl!

XOXO

There's White Stuff Outside

2012-01-26T07:14:00.000-08:00

Day 22- Snow days...

This is what snow days are all about!

XOXO

Christmastime reading...

2012-01-26T07:07:00.000-08:00

Day 21-An impactful book in my life

I read this book for a book club and think everyone should too! It's called Christmas Jars by Jason F. Wright. It's an easy read just a little over a hundred pages. It's about making what you have work. It's about paying it forward. It's inspiring...

XOXO

A Good Girl Gone Rouge

2012-01-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Day 20-Something mischievous I did as a child

I was only grounded once in my tween years. I was in middle school and up until this fateful night was not only a member but president of the "goody two shoes." A title up until my college days fit like a puzzle piece. It was the weekend and instead of returning home like a good girl I opted to hang out with my friends. Innocent enough right? Not when you've got a dad that rules with an iron fist. I can even remember having one of those light up phones and having to turn the ringer off just to talk on it. Thank God for mothers that bend the rules a little for you. So back to me, the trouble maker; I didn't get home until it was dark....ohhhhh bad girl. I can't recall how long I was grounded for it was the look on my dad's face that sticks out the most. Needless to say I found my way back to the straight and narrow...

XOXO

Laughing leads to Peeing

2012-01-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

Day 19-The last time I laughed so hard, I cried

Laughter is necessity in my life in instances like the above it keeps me from crying. This would be my daughter after finagling the lock off the bathroom cabinet, getting her paws on my make-up bag and well as you can see an enviable make-up application. Even just looking at it makes me laugh. She looks so happy and proud of herself, kind of hard to be mad at that!

XOXO

Twenty-Three Days in...

2012-01-23T10:30:00.000-08:00

Sound the trumpets this my first "real blog" of the new year. As you've been following I've taken on a Blog Dare and am happy to report that I haven't fallen more than a few days behind at most; hence multiple posts on the same day. But that's neither here nor there...

As I thought about how I wanted to approach my first post I wanted to find just the right mix of inspirational wit, it's kind of my thing or at least in the making; whatever...just go with it. Like most of us I did ponder some new years resolutions I'm happy to report I've hit full-grown adulthood being that weight loss didn't even register on my radar [insert happy "not-yet-at-ideal-weight" dance]. The way I see it I've been fatter and I know what I need to do. I'll be honest I'm mulling over re-joining Weight Watchers but in true procrastinator form [i.e. the deadline to join free isn't until March] I'm going to do a little more mulling. I don't want to sign up for failure. I became a scale obessed monster and even though I was feeling great and seeing a difference not having the scale reflect that was unacceptable. I want to set a realistic goal and commit to allowing the pounds to shed how they shed.

Last year I decided instead of resolutions I would pick a word and use that to motivate me towards becoming a better Vanessa. I failed miserably however this year I'm giving it another go and my word is: thankful. It's easy to forget how much I have to be thankful for when things get tough or I'm in the middle of throwing a temper tantrum. I've already had moments where I've been able to reflect and see what I have to be thankful for; the goal however is to go there first as opposed to doing it in hindsight.

As a parent it seems only appropriate to pick a word and it's going to be patience. I've got an independent, fiesty, trouble maker on my hands and the only way we'll both live to tell about it is with lots of the "p-word." Mothering a two year old requires an infinite supply...

23 days down. Only 343 to go [it's a leap year, an extra day to get it right!]

XOXO

That piece of Junk

2012-01-20T11:27:00.001-08:00

Day 18-Something at home/work that serves no purpose

After a good bit of brainstorming and even a look-see into the garage all I can come up with is the wheelbarrow. It's sitting smack dab in the center with a few pieces of wood on it; mind you I couldn't tell you the last time we started a fire, guess you can call us prepared.

XOXO

There's a first time for everything...

2012-01-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

Day 17-The first time I saw...

The first time I took another child to the bathroom and saw her poop, I felt like I cheated on my daughter. We haven't exactly started potty training [gasp and ohhh & ahhh]. I do think that she's ready being that she's got a fair average when it comes to telling me she's pooped and she did break out into tears when I wouldn't sit her on the big person potty; she's got promise. But bck to my traumatic experience, I found myself being asked to take a little girl to the bathroom. We walked into the stall and she just stood there. I figured that was my que to help her with her pants and get her on the pot and within a matter of seconds I was staring at poop. Although I pictured myself running out of the bathroom screaming "GROOOSSSS" I didn't think my antics would have been appreciated. So I helped her up, got her cleaned and zipped up and we were washing our hands.

I've had a potty training dvd for longer then I care to admit but clearly it's time to pop it in, take some notes and tackle this thing called potty training...

XOXO

Nothing a Gummy Bear can't fix

2012-01-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

Day 16-I convinced my children to...

I've got a toddler so most things take coercion, most come in the form of "sit down and put your hands in your lap," followed promptly by tears. But whenever Elle makes a monumental mess it usually takes a gummy candy to convince her to smile so that I can capture yet another blackmail picture. I can picture it now, it's her sweet sixteen and out comes a cake with her in the tub with bag a of tortilla chips (true story) smiling her little heart out! Revenge is sweet...

XOXO

Wow-Wow...No Thanks

2012-01-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

Day 15-Why I don't like a certain cartoon character...

It took some thinking but if I had to pick one cartoon character I don't like it'd be Wubbzy, the main character on a show called Wow Wow Wubbzy (and pictured below)...

My reason is simple, his voice. It's screechy and irritating and the same can be said for his buddies. It's unfortunate because I do think the show teaches some good lessons. But even this mom, who embraces everything from Dora the Explorer to Yo Gabba Gabba has her limits.

XOXO

You like...what?!

2012-01-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

Day 14-I can't believe my kids like...{This could be a food, beverage, toy, show, music...}

I can't believe Elle likes the show Wipeout. It's hilarious I get it but to watch her watch it is even funnier, if that's even possible. She sits quietly, gets a little worked up when the commercials come on and laughs perfectly on que. There are also lots of "uh-oh's" rather appropriately too.

XOXO

Hibbie-Jibbies

2012-01-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

Day 13~My child's creepiest toy

Elle doesn't have any toys that I consider "creepy." Most of them make noise and after ten times of her hitting the same button on her alphabet sing-a-long toy it can certainly wear on me. I do get creeped out at night when a toy will randomly make a sound or scare myself by tripping on something when I'm trying to peek in on her; I'm just smooth like that.

XOXO

Take me away...

2012-01-12T11:10:00.000-08:00

Day 12-A vacation I hope to take this year

The vacation I'd like to take this year is to Napa Valley. I want to go in celebration of my thirtieth birthday! I was watching the Food Network and one of my favorite chefs actually has a restaurant there and I couldn't think of a better place to have some grown up fun. Oh, the chef by the way is Michael Chiarello he owns Botegga Ristorante. I've started researching how to make the most of my visit and there is a ton of information out there. My big day is in October so I've got plenty of time to plan. I can't wait for the wine to flow and fun to ensue...

XOXO

Good Girls Always Tell

2012-01-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

Day 11-If my parents had ever found out...

I'm what you'd call a "good girl" and that means ten times out of ten I rat myself out. There was a time in middle school where I skipped school (I ran with a tough crowd, kidding) and the first thing I told my mom when I saw her is that I skipped. I was in high school and skipped a class and even though I appeared not to care on the outside I'd broken in to hives on the inside. I had my eyebrow pierced twice, one of those times my mom was actually with me. As you've gathered from the title/content of my blog I'm a mom minus a significant other, no secret there.

Here's the thing about hiding things, it can be hard; at least in my experience it has been so I tend to usually just confess and deal with the consequences. I do however believe we're all allowed one thing that we take to the grave, my advice...choose wisely!

XOXO

An Old School Fave!

2012-01-10T12:13:00.000-08:00

Day 10~A favorite retro toy

My favorite retro toy would have to be [drum roll please]...the easy bake oven! I found this great link that shows the evolution of this bad-ass baking machine, http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2011/09/16/the-evolution-of-the-easy-bake-oven/

I honestly can't wait to be able to use one with my daughter. Maybe we'll do something fancy like a Sandra Lee inspired table scape of desserts.

XOXO

You Did What?!

2012-01-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

Day 9~I never thought I'd find this in my child's room...{doesn't have to be something 'bad'... could be an incredible mess!}

This is just one of two minor and one major make-up incidents. What can I say, my girl pays attention? The worst of it all isn't in the picture it's the rug, it basically resembles splatter paint art project gone terribly right (I meant wrong but it fits better the other way). It's awful and all I could think to myself is why didn't she just ruin the blanket, but no it's just outside the perimeter. Besides what would be the fun in making a mess if to clean it all you had to do was toss something in the wash. Nope, she's doing things the right way!

XOXO

Television-A Mom's Dilemma

2012-01-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

Day 8~Too much television...

Television can be a catch 22 in my house. The shows I like, my favorite channel for that matter is the antithesis of kid friendly. It's lots of nick jr. and pbs kids for us. We actually start the day dancing. Elle absolutely loves music of all kinds (yes, she can even break it down to elevator music)! She's also decided that everything is yellow, she's started reciting her ABC's in about 2.5 seconds and all animals are dogs; to combat this we've got some DVD's to help us at least for a moment realize that the world is made up some fabulous colors, animals and if we can add a letter in at time that to me is success! Little Bill comes on at noon so we eat lunch and watch him followed up by nap time. After nap time to evenings is filled with a bit more but the way I see it, I'm trying. I always try and spark up conversation with whatever it is we're watching and she's known from time to time to even teach me something new. I can't say I understand most of it but I always smile and encourage her.

Do I indulge myself when it comes to watching what I'd like, I do. She's usually playing, making a mess or quietly starting trouble while I am. So the way I see it it's a win-win.

XOXO

My Daily Fix

2012-01-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

Day 7~Something you need daily - coffee?

My daily fix is simple, laughter. There are days that to keep from crying I've got to be able to laugh. Having a toddler on my hands can certainly have it's trying moments I can actually think of several off hand. What I've learned is that most of the conundrums could have been avoided had I locked the cabinet, put the nail polish away or moved the flour out of her reach. I forget that if something is just within her reach she's more then willing to get on her tippy toes or climb the changing the table to get whatever it is she's got her eye on. What can I say, I'm learning to laugh along the way...

XOXO

What's this about alone time?

2012-01-10T11:07:00.000-08:00

Day 6~My "special" place. {Where do you go for quiet/alone or regrouping time}

I don't really have a "special" place to call my own. All I know is this, my favorite part of the day is nap time. It's the first chance I have on a daily basis to just turn to my favorite channel, silently scold myself about not using said time more effectively (i.e. blogging, cleaning, etc.) & more times then not I make myself lunch and fall asleep only to woken up by either laughter or tears; and with that I'm back on mom duty.

Being a single mom doesn't exactly lend itself to many opportunities for aloneness. I mean I basically have a shadow and I welcome it the way I see it one day I'll be needed in a different way, besides she's already making her stand for independence heard loud and clear. And just so I don't sound like a complete debbie downer I also enjoy being in the car & food shopping alone as well as the short walk to the mailbox. When the weather is nice I even like to sit outside.

XOXO

Lost & Not Found

2012-01-05T11:45:00.000-08:00

Day 5~Something lost...

I imagine there are all sorts of ways you could approach this topic. For me it makes most sense to talk about a friendship lost. I've considered trying to repair or at least make some attempt at repair, I've thought about what to say even tried writing a few times but I always end up scraping it for one reason or another. The thing is even though I think my level of responsibility is minimal I still feel guilty. When I think back to the incident all I know for certain is that I was angry beyond words. It goes back to my biggest pet peeve of them all: texting something you should be picking up the phone and talking about. I guess for me it was the final straw & maybe if this person couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone or at least discuss an alternative then maybe I was better off cutting my losses.

Fast forward seven months and I find myself torn between wanting to reconnect and coming to terms with the decision I made. I don't want to say sorry I want to say why haven't you said sorry but something tells me that isn't exactly that most productive way to go about things. The saying goes, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans and I guess that's what happened. Maybe it's okay to skip the harsh, ugly words and just remember the good times for what they were.

XOXO

Buyers Remorse

2012-01-05T11:39:00.000-08:00

Day 4~What I shouldn't have bought this holiday season.

I guess I'm gonna take the "fat girl route" and say I shouldn't have bought all the sweets I consumed. I developed a small addiction to boxed chocolates, Hershey's Pot of Gold's topping my list...YUM! I've never considered myself having much of a sweet tooth but evidently that's changed.

XOXO

Kick the Bucket Open

2012-01-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

Day 3~Bucket List: If you already have one, review it and see what needs to be added or checked off.

I don't have a bucket list. The thought of even writing one seems kind of daunting. I mean I get it and for a little reassurance I googled it and it seems complicated I mean easy enough. Except I'm clueless on where to even start; can I blame it on my "mom brain?" I mean after all my world perspective has changed quite a bit and I've never been a dreamer. But I suppose I could start one, right? So here goes nothing...

1. Get my bachelors in accounting
2. Cut all my hair off (in a cute edgy way not anything resembling Sinead O' Connor)
3. Get a tattoo
4. Learn how to sail
5. Buy myself a diamond

Well there you have it the beginnings of me kicking the bucket open!

XOXO

Looking Back to Move Forward

2012-01-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

Day 2~A look back at 2011

I’m going to be honest I don’t want to look back because it makes me sad. I can’t say that 2011 was exactly my greatest 365 days of life. Here’s my take on things from the rear view mirror…

I began the year unemployed, I can’t say that I really made the time to just say “It’s okay Vanessa, you fucked up but it’s not the end of the world.” In the words of Donald Trump it was the first time I’d ever heard you’re fired, thankfully those weren’t the words I heard but that was basically the jist of it. The good news, it didn’t last terribly long a new opportunity presented itself and it was one of the worst decisions I made of 2011 [whew, there I said it]. Now seems like the appropriate time to say “It’s okay Vanessa, you did things your way and sometimes no matter how much planning you do, things don’t work out the way you intended.” Case in point, once I decided I was done I started looking for a new job and was presented with what I thought was a great direction to take my budding career. After an initial interview for a different position and three more for the said new one I heard the words I had been longing for, you’re hired! Next, I was turning in my resignation and counting down the days that the misery I had come to know oh so well was ending. Day one of my new gig had finally come; I looked the part, felt amazing and was ready to dive into the world of hair. First though there was a month of training to get through and at the end of that journey came a not so pleasant kick in the face. I was fired. It was like an out body experience I didn’t see it coming and for longer than I can count replayed that moment over and over and over in my head. So now I’m going to say, “Vanessa you did your best and even though you feel like the girl on bid day who doesn’t get a bid (which I’ve experienced) it’s okay, there’s something better out there for you.”

Looking back for me means forgiveness for the mistakes and missteps that I’ve made. Life is a journey filled with ups and downs all of which can only make us stronger if we let it. This is me letting it & saying “Hi 2012, I’m Vanessa and ready to live life on my own terms…fasten your seat belt.”

XOXO

Oh yeah that again...

2012-01-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

I attempted this and experienced failure of epic proportions last year however the great thing about day #1 of a new year is the opportunity for success. So here goes nothing...come along for some literary genius as I take on the Blog Dare 2012.

Enjoy and don't forget to laugh!

Day 1~ My Social Media goals for 2012

Over the last few days I've actually given this a good bit of thought. First I had to deal with my feelings of feeling like a "Mom Blogger Failure" but once I forgave myself I decided that this year I instead of internalizing I would come here, place my fingers on the keyboard and write. That being said, this year I'd like to find a mom blogger mentor. Someone who can be a sensei of sorts and help me in making my blog a success in terms of readership and all the other things that come along with be a kick ass mom blogger. [Feel free to send moms my way!]

XOXO

I'm Laughing to Keep from Crying

2011-09-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have these moments where I think "I want to blog about this" and then said moment passes and the same sick cycle repeats itself. The main reason I've avoided placing my hands on the home row, also known as "a-s-d-f-g-h-j-k-l" is because life is kicking my ass & I'm talking with the sentiment of a "love TKO" minus the whole love thing. I'm guilty of putting on a happy face meanwhile those who know me best see the not so happy faces, mind you there are many. Besides who wants to happen across this hilariously well written blog and be bombarded with some crazy (yet cute) woman ranting and raving about wanting to beat people up, saving for a punching bag & who defines a good time as drinking a beer and falling asleep on the couch; only to wake up and realize there's a mess I need to clean and a dishwasher that isn't going to start itself. So maybe just maybe there's a way for me to find a way to say "today I wanted to punch myself in the face" but like in a funny way.

Being unemployed comes with one pretty awesome perk, my daughter. I'm not gonna lie sometimes it doesn't feel so awesome but I'm sure at the ripe ol' age of almost two I was giving my parents the same, hmmmm...let's call it joy. I know every parent thinks the world of there child (or children) but I know for a fact (yes, I took a poll) that my daughter is the funniest, smartest and prettiest of them all. She certainly makes me want to pull my hair out when I'm exhausted, yelling her name & calling her a stinky baby and she proceeds to run around laughing hysterically or better yet she gets on her tippy toes to close the door and says "buh-bye," no I'm not making any of this up. Ultimately I have her to thank for remaining a sane and functioning person. My life is like clockwork same routine, different day and clearly falling apart to the extent I wish were allowed is not an option, besides in the midst of it all there's plenty to laugh at, for example:

My mom's birthday just past and I thought it be nice to get her some balloons. Big. Mistake. Little did I know Elle's fascination and love for them, had I realized this I would have just got her one. We were somehow able to exit Party City, get her in the car, balloons safely secured and in the house without losing one of the three balloons. When it came time to leave the house she wasn't budging without her teddy bear [PAUSE]

*I'm gonna go off on a tangent now, bare with me...before I was a mom I SWORE I would NEVER be one of "those mom's" that let there child parade around with stuffed animals, dolls, etc. I am one of "those mom's" now and if it weren't for bears I'm sure it would make car rides, shopping, bed time & boo-boo's much more painful for all involved.*

[UNPAUSE] and a balloon. So I had the pleasure of getting her and a balloon in the car and I have to admit it was smooth sailing until we got back home and she wanted to hold the balloon sans any help from mom, she's such a tough guy! Well I granted her the independence she was begging for and faster then you could blink your eye the pretty red balloon was floating off to begin a new adventure.

She's pointing at the balloon

The balloon stuck in the tree

I think she's expecting me to get the balloon instead we just waved buh-bye!

Mumbo Jumbo

2011-07-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

The toughest part of forcing myself to sit here and hit the keys is where to start. There's so much to cover, hmmmm. I'll start with the most obvious (and easiest)...my EB.

Well we're at the half way mark to hitting "the terrible two's" and I'm unashamedly in the brainstorming phase because there is party in the horizon and well I set the bar pretty high last year so the only way to go is up! I'm actually looking forward to this year just a little bit more because we would have hopefully *fingers crossed* acquired some friends. In my opinion that's what makes a kids party a kids party, the kids (and the adult beverages). I think I know what direction I'm heading it's just a matter of working out the specifics. We're trucking through summer with cute dresses, fun at the pool and cool sunglasses to keep us looking and feeling cool.

I guess I'll give you the condensed version of the past few months:

I found out about an Easter egg drop and although it turned into an all day event we had a blast. I was hoping our second go'round we'd have better luck. The key I learned rather quickly was to get there early. We took a ton of pictures, got a photo with a celebrity (yes, in the south the Chick-fil-a cow counts), had a yummy lunch that took me right back to elementary school (i.e. hot dog and french fries) & eventually just a "few" hours later we were lined up on a high school football field awaiting the go ahead to run onto the field and get us some eggs. It couldn't have been more worth it.

Happy Easter!

My church had a Mother's Day tea and well this is the gang! It was worth missing a few hours of work to spend some time with the gals. I even got a very cute mug and flower pot with pictures of lil' beauty and a poem.

We had the pleasure of finally getting our Baby Loves Disco on and although it left plenty to be desired, the old testament holds true "you get what you pay for" and in our case it was a free event.

"Fun" times at the pool! She really does love the water.

In the words of Oprah, you'd call this a full circle moment in my life. We went to my high school alma mater, the original building was getting knocked down and they invited students old and new to walk the halls one last time as we all remembered it. Eleven years later and I've gone from gawky teenager to sexy single momma!

And they you have it, all caught up! Actually, there's so much more to dish on...

XOXO

I've Fallen & I'm Having a Rather Hard Time Getting Up

2011-05-09T07:50:00.001-07:00

My inital thought was "I've fallen & I can't get up" however it's not that I can't get up it's that I truly am having a rather hard time getting up, metaphorically speaking ofcourse.

The whole point of this ("this" being my blog) is to release and share the good, the bad & everything in between in regards to this life of mine. As you've probably put together I've fallen off the grid. I'd have to say that time has really just gotten away from me. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and well here we are about two months since my last post. I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel longer and now well I don't really feel that bad. The good news is there is always something going on so although we've missed some there's plenty to look forward to.

Here's to picking up where we left off

XOXO

Bloggy Dare-Caption a funny photo

2011-03-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

I've Got A Turtle Head Poking Out Sound Clip and Quote

XOXO

Bloggy Dare-What is the oddest last-minute meal you have put together and served?

2011-03-01T17:59:00.001-08:00

This is surprisingly is a tough one for me. Although in the past I've had poor eating habits I can't say they've been odd. The strangest it gets over here is hamburger helper and even then I use ground turkey & don't follow the cooking instructions provided, it taste better cooked separately and then combining everything. I guess in an effort to be health conscious they've got some whole grain versions out although I tried the lemon herb and it was gross, just an FYI.

XOXO

(not) So Fat Girl Friday

2011-02-18T17:52:00.000-08:00

Seven days have come and gone and I'm happy to report I lost 2.8lbs. today! WOOOOOO-HOOOOO baby! I really buckled down & stayed on track this week. I even managed to visit LA Fitness twice! I didn't do as well as I wanted to with the writing down what I'm eating but I started out strong and well had a slip here and there. The good news is I'm reading nutritional labels and making what I'd like to call "smart skinny" girl choices rather than the easy (and tastier in some instances) "fat girl" ones. Case in point: I went into Publix hungry and needing a snack. I started out with yogurt covered raisins but ended with the bear trail mix, now it's nothing to swoon over but the cocoa covered almonds are pretty tasty and the granola clusters are growing on me. I've really been wanting cereal and this morning I combed through the cereal aisle on the hunt for a cereal that had a serving size of at least a cup. I hit the jackpot with Kix at a whopping 1 1/4 cup serving size. FYI-the new Trix has the same serving size too.

At my meeting this morning I did take my shoes off, I know don't judge me. But I did splurge and buy the dining out companion which lists the points of food and beverages at popular resturants. It aided me in making healthy choices when I went to Taco Bell, two fresco chicken burritos only cost me eight points. I think carrying it around with me will help me to not only make healthier choices but help me in saying "No, Vanessa you don't need the fries go find a piece of fruit." Oh, and it's kind of heavy too, so here's to a constant reminder of the weight of my decisions (pun intended). Going into this next week I'd have to say I'm most excited about losing fresh pounds and ending the tortous dance the past weeks have been and in an effort to further motivate myself I purchased a goal weight outfit or in my case dress. I've already named it my "Crockett & Tubs" dress since it reminds of Miami Vice and I will be dawning it once I've dropped 20lbs. and celebrating with the girls! Ofcourse I tried it on and I have to say I wasn't disappointed, it zipped without having to say a little prayer, curse myself & hold my breath but it's going to look significantly better on a slimmer me.

"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out." ~Author Unknown

XOXO

Love is...

2011-02-14T11:46:00.000-08:00

If you know me then you know that I love any and every holiday. I buy Elle an outfit, a prop of some sort might be involved and then try and capture the beauties that we are. This is what we end up with...

This free digital greeting customized with Smilebox

We send it to our family and friends and yes, I've got everything we need for St. Patrick's Day all ready to go; okay and I bought bunny ears for Easter, but they were just a dollar & I couldn't pass em' up.

So awhile ago I came upon this article about putting a new spin on Valentine's Day and so this is how I'll be celebrating. But before I dish on the bold move I'll be making today I want to say something about love. The love I've come to know being a mother is like no other. The saying "unlucky in love" is putting it gently. I've made some of the mistakes we all do from giving my heart to the wrong one to well getting pregnant even. All those flubs brought me the best and most unexpected addition to my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. My bubs as I so affectionately call her is the most amazing little big girl. She's got all this personality for such a little bitty person and I've accepted that I'm in trouble when she starts talking. So on a day we all celebrate love, I can say that me and my valentine are happy and doing our part to spread the love.

Today I'll be starting the revamping of Too Cute For Mom Jeans. I'm putting the deposit down and in a few weeks this blog will have a brand new look. I can't wait!

"Love puts the fun in together, the sad in apart, and the joy in a heart."
~Author Unknown

XOXO

(not) So Fat Girl Friday

2011-02-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to start this for weeks now, but Friday comes, goes and well on Saturday I chastise myself and vow to do better next week. Well, I'm here music going in my headphones and feeling pretty damn proud of myself. Side note-it's 12:26am, which means it's "technically" Saturday but you know what I'm okay with that.

My inspiration to start my (not) So Fat Girl Friday came from what you'd call "word of the week alliteration envy", for example there's Wordless Wednesday, I've seen a Work It Girl Wednesday, and even a Thankful Thursday. Here's to hoping it catches like wildfire and there women saying you know what I've got a goal, a plan and yes, I gave into eating that slice of cheesecake!

Around six weeks ago I started Weight Watchers, after being both bombarded and motivated by the Jennifer Hudson commericals & when they waived the registration fee, I decided to go for it. I even found a mommy-and-me meeting, which means Elle can come too. I started January 7th at 161 lbs. and for the past five weeks I've been doing this painful dance with three pounds, allow me to explain. I lost 2.4 lbs, gained 2.2 lbs., lost 2.8 lbs., and today I gained 2.4 lbs. and with that lost my temper mostly with myself but doled a bit out to one of the ladies that works there, again allow me to explain. The first time I did Weight Watcher's which was years ago I was never a fan of taking off every article of clothing to weigh in. You have women taking off there coats and shoes and I find it a bit ridiculous. We walk around with our clothes on and if we wore our skivies and proudly displayed our weight well then maybe I'd feel differently. Today I was asked to take off my jacket, which I found out weighs a pound after I not so politely made the comment "it doesn't weigh 5 lbs." Come to find out it was a gain week so I guess she was attempting to be helpful.

Here's the thing the only person who controls how successful I am at this is me. I get it. I'm not mad at Weight Watchers or there employees at the location I attend meetings. I'm losing weight to look better in my clothes, my 1 lb. jacket included. If I just stick to counting points and not giving into every indulgence I'd be on the right track, it's easier said then done & I guess I'm realizing that even cheating once shows itself come time to weigh in. So no, I can't eat Zaxby's, have two glasses of wine and expect to be losing weight, mind you I did this the day before weigh in, what the hell was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't! In my defense I will say that most days I'm on track I'm having turkey lettuce wraps for lunch and even eating more fruits & veggies but I could certainly be doing better beginning with the food that I buy. I learned the hard way that I can't buy potato chips, I'm in love with the Sweet Heat BBQ Lays, and well after a chip binge I vowed to not buy them again until I've got more will power.

My 5% target is 8 lbs. and I'd like to be minus them in the next four weeks, that means if I'm eating right and exercising a few times a week this should be easy peasy, riiiiight?! RIGHT! My goal this week is write down everything I eat, everything!

In the words of J. Hud: I want to feel like Vanessa but with new arms, new legs and this smile...

XOXO

Bloggy Dare-The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant

2011-01-06T11:14:00.000-08:00

I don't recall what the date was when I found out I was pregnant. I do however remember the date of conception, it was St. Patrick's Day. It will forever be a day I look back on and can (now) laugh about. The shirt I was wearing said "Most Likely to Get Lucky" and well I guess you'd call that irony, right?! I can hear my best friend getting a good laugh from all of the above because we were actually together at a local watering hole, celebrating like we do every year. Said watering hole is where we both met men that have come to have a great effect on our lives, she found love and I found my babydaddy. But I digress...

Here's a link to the post I wrote back in 2009 when I found out I was pregnant. I think it's a perfect reflection of where I was and even though I've tried I don't anything I write now could truly do the moment justice.

XOXO

It Only Took Me Five Days...

2011-01-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm ninety-seven of a hundred and seventy-four, and when I signed up for the Blog Dare, I was gun-ho to say the least and well it took me a few days (plus two) to get it together. But it's with full confidence I admit to my shortcomings and look forward to the next three hundred and sixty days of showing what being too cute for mom jeans is all about. Enjoy!

I initially started a blog that was just about my life. I was watching an episode of Oprah and was kind of inspired to just find my niche in the blog sphere. It actually didn't get too far along before I found my life taking a detour that I never saw coming, it all changed with two pink lines (which rather fittingly happens to be the title of the first blog I ever wrote). It was then that I decided to set out into deep waters of mom blogging and well try and stay afloat. There are a ton of women that are giving there unique experience in all things mother. I find it completely inspiring, there are these catchy names, beautiful blogs and women being honest in a way that isn't so easy. I picked a rather precarious moment in time to start but sometimes you have to just throw sense aside and say, "Hello world! I'm here, I'm single, I'm preggers" and there you have it, Too Cute for Mom Jeans was birth.

I started writing to get through a time in my life when things as I knew them were changing in ways I couldn't truly foresee or prepare for, even though I naively thought that's what I was doing. We all find ourselves entering the wonderful world of motherhood differently and for some of us we are doing it alone. Is it the end of the world? No, not by a long shot. Is it scary as hell? Yes & it comes in waves and hits you like a ton of bricks. Oh, and your pregnant! So you can pretty much throw everything that makes sense out the window and hold on tight, it's going to be one wild ride...

and this is mine!

XOXO

My Lil' Nugget

2011-01-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I was blogging away and when technology failed me and none of it saved. I couldn't bring myself to try again so with that I went to bed and decided to give myself a pass. Here I am today, refreshed and writing significantly earlier than I normally do.

Yesterday I decided I would start taking a cue from Elle and use her to learn and laugh from. I've been deep in brainstorm mode with what to term it and decided to take my inspiration from Chelsea Handler, she calls her assistant Chuy her little nugget and well Elle looks like a nugget so there we have it, my lil' nugget. Since yesterday's was so good I'm going to start with that.

Go with your gut, I was watching television and Elle was playing in the hallway when there was a noise at the door. Elle got up and like a little lightning bolt made her way to me. My mom was unlocking the door and it scared her, it was absolutely hilarious.

I've got a fussy girl in need of a nap in my arms, yes I typed this with her in my arms...

XOXO

L.O., L.O., L.O., L.O.V.E.

2011-01-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

The thought of blogging everyday has started to weigh on me. In both good and bad ways, on the plus side I'll be able to say "I DID IT!" everyday I made the time for myself, to do something purely for my enjoyment. On the flip side though I'm uneasy about where exactly my subject matter will be going. Motherhood is a unique experience for each of us that wear the sash "Mom" and this is my take on it, so with that said (or written rather)...hold on tight!

Today I amerced myself in the OWN network and watched a show titled "in search of..." it made me sorta see the moment Elle asks me about "DaddyWarBucks" (as I've previously termed him). I watched both the triumph and sadness that comes with deciding to search for your biological parent. Our mothers and fathers hold such a special place in the fiber of the people that we are and when one (or both even) of those is missing there is a part of us missing and it's only human nature to want to fill it by finding them. With the help of a genealogist one man was able to find his father, have a brief phone conversation and in weeks was meeting him. It was an overwhelming sweet moment. He was also able to meet extended family members. Then there were a set of twins who were adopted and in search of there birth mother. They were able to find her and she denied being there mother. It was a gut wrenching moment. It eventually came to the surface that she too was also adopted. Which just added another layer of hurt, confusion and sadness.

So although I haven't really decided what I'm going to say I do know that it has to be age appropriate honesty. Although I constantly wrestle with writing a letter or sending a picture, I really, honestly believe that this man could care less. He doesn't get to cause more pain then he already has and I know that he knows how to contact to me. The good news is that I do wholeheartedly believe that there is someone out there who will love the both of us.

Love is a bond stronger than DNA...

XOXO

I'm back...Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

I'm making Day #1 of 2011 count. Its consisted of waking up with a headache, a fabulous nap, power outage, and two significant challenges. First, I've decided to make this the year my blog finds its place in the "Blogging Momma" realm and with that I'll be blogging daily in 2011. In an effort to make things more interesting I'll also be doing a "Single Mom's Lesson of the Day." My intent is daily reflection, everyday has started to feel the same and this is my way of being able to enjoy this moment in it's entirety.

Weeks ago I said today is D-day, Elle's first day as an independent sleeper, up until now we've been living it up with little regard for Elle's bed hogging ways. It wasn't until dusk hit that I started wrestling with what I had signed myself up for and as it got later and Elle showed signs of sleepiness it hit me, there were gonna be tears and little understanding but this is what we needed, I want my bed back and Elle's a big girl, I mean a little-big girl. So with the night light plugged in and a full belly she dozed off, I gave her about 20 min. and decided I was either going to make my move or fail. So I laid her in the crib and the tears hit instantly, insert deep breath. I stayed strong, laid her down, rubbed her back, reassured her that I loved her and this was not a form of torture but a moment of liberation! It took at least five tries of soothing but, drum roll please......WE DID IT! She fell asleep and I learned this: celebrate the small victories. I wanted this day to come but there was a part of me dreading it and to be honest I wasn't sure if I was going to make it but the alternative wasn't acceptable. I'm the mom, I'd like to think that means I'm in charge, it's my job and I take it seriously! This small triumph has helped me to realize the importantance of both independence and structure and I will be working daily to make sure that I'm encouraging both every way I possibly can.

There's so much to catch up on but the good news is that there's plenty of time to cover what I'd like to call "the bad, the ulgy and what happend to the good?" that last few months of my life have been. But for now, it's a new year and what I'd like to do is take a nod from this site, my word is...love. I want to embrace love in all it's different ways this year, it goes without saying that I'd like to find love, or does it find you?

Hmmm....here's to love!

XOXO

Mom's On a Mission

2010-09-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

There is a part of me that feels extreme guilt for my lack of writing. There are a few things that factor into my depriving you.

I kinda feel like a bore. Up until last weekend I hadn't even been out. In an effort to drop some lbs. in preparation for my 10 year high school reunion I went on a sugar free diet, enlisted the aid of appetite suppressants, made myself cozy with daily visits to LA Fitness and every Saturday morning forfeited the joy of sleeping in (yeah right! who am I kidding?) to go to the most intense exercise class I've experienced. The good news is the reunion is this weekend. I've got seven pounds to go and even though there is a part of me that's frustrated I wasn't able to do more when I see myself in pictures the change is noticeable. The compliments are definitely encouraging too. Today I even discovered that I dropped a dress size! I grabbed a dress in a size 12 and to my surprise it was a little baggy so I decided to try a 10 and wa-lah! it fit. Although I've hit the part of the journey where I'm burnt out and wanting to pig out that moment in the dressing room really helped me. I'm going to devise a sustainable plan and keep at it, the way I see it I've still got seven pounds to lose.

I learned my lesson the hard way last weekend. Naps when you rise with the sun are essential. Last Saturday I was up at 6:00, back home by 10:00 and around 12:30 back on my way out to watch the Georgia game (which by the way we lost!). After picking up my Elle and mom we were on our way to Wal-Mart and by this time Mom also had three beers in her. Needless to say crashing and burning was inevitable, right? Lucky for me I've got some great back-up in the form of my grams and she pitched in allowing me a much needed nap. I came very close to over-sleeping and missing my triumphant return to the nightlife but alas I didn't and in no time flat I was on my way to pick up my best friend and have a fun night out. This fun "night out" turned into "all night out" as I rolled back up to my house at 4:00am. What was I thinking? There are no words. All I know is four hours later my sweetpea was up and ready to get the day started I couldn't say the same for her mom though. Luckily I gave Jesus the wheel and after breakfast and a bath Elle was ready for a nap and I couldn't have been more happy. That nap was the best I've slept since Elle's been here. I even got in a shower and our bag packed to meet my bestie who I kept waiting longer than I care to admit.

The life of a single mother is a hard one! Believe me there's plenty more where that came from...

XOXO

Yo Gabba Gabba!

2010-09-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

Me & Elle love Yo Gabba Gabba & in October DJ Lance and crew will be hitting our city with there live show. I've been excited about it since I learned about them coming from the TicketMaster website & would be absolutely estatic if we won the tickets (so keep your fingers, toes & eyes crossed for us!) And if you would like to enter go here.

Good Luck!

XOXO

270 Days of Mommyhood

2010-09-01T12:39:00.001-07:00

This is my just three months away from being a one year old beauty!

But before I go get too far ahead of myself let's enjoy month #9! First let's gush over those two teeth...aren't they fabulous? I KNOW! Elle's breaking them in nicely too. As soon as food enters it doesn't stand a chance, she's chewing away. Speaking of food we've graduated to the third level of Gerber & enjoying all sorts of snacks now that she's officially a crawler. She's also enjoying "tastes" of table food, so far under her belt she's got chicken, eggs & ice cream. It's pretty much impossible to sit down to eat without Elle letting you know (i.e. grunting) that she'd like to have some too. It actually excites me because soon the days of formula and baby food will be behind us and I've got the makings of an adventurous eater on my hands.

Elle is crawling up a storm. Since she's not a huge fan of being confined and I'm not a huge fan of her cries & screams of frustration so I let her roam. She usually ends up in the same room I'm in and watches me while I do whatever it is I'm doing. When I leave a room in just a matter of seconds she's figuring out where I'm headed and she's on her way too. I love it! She's getting into everything and there are times when I just look at her amazed at what she's able to do. She's able to take all the contents of my purse out, she loves getting her hands on my headphones (and for that matter my phone), and when it appears she's out of options she's found a piece of fuzz or lint to occupy herself (and terrify me) with.

She has officially graduated to big girl baths! She absolutely loves the water, splashing it that is. And even though I inevitably end up drenched it's a lot of fun. She's all smiles until she grabs a hold of the washcloth that I'm using to bathe her and when I take it from her cue the water works. She doesn't like when you take something from her that she was having a good time with and clearly not done with. I give her something else and try to distract her but sometimes that's just not good enough.

She's even got a new hairstyle! Although the headband has been ixnayed she's rockin' a side ponytail. She's' got all that hair (and big head...lol) might as well start having some fun with it. And since my taste is more headbands and hair bows I'm going to start making them. I've been doing a ton of reading and am ready to hit the hardware store and ribbon aisle and let my creative juices flow. I'm even thinking about taking up knitting or crocheting so that when it gets cold she can have her head covered and still be fabulous.

Here's to fall, football and uggs! XOXO

240 Days of Mommyhood

2010-08-03T07:50:00.001-07:00

As we round the corner of month number eight we're hitting new milestones. Elle's able to get herself up and sit nice and straight. In the mornings after a bit of stretching and head tossing she's up and looking for yours truly. She's silly & laughs at everything. Peek-a-boo is her favorite. Whether you cover your face or her's she is always up for a few rounds of fun. She's definitely got some stubbornness in her, which I certainly didn't pass on to her. It usually shows itself when she's got something in her hand, which basically means it's making it's way to her mouth & it could very likely hurt her. One of her favorites is my headphones I suppose because the little ear buds fit perfectly into her little hand. She's also a huge fan of car keys as well as my iPhone. Since I've done some reading on the matter I always hand her something less dangerous (i.e. a toy) but it's just not as much fun. After a few tears she's all better.

She's still got jello legs but really enjoys standing up. She's also just started crawling forward. And is reaching for any and everything. It's so fun to watch her play with her toys, she's spinning, hitting, squeezing and pulling.

She's got a new car seat! And friend, the purple pup is Violet & she's going to teach Elle how to spell her name!

High chair...

and riding in the shopping cart! (I know she's not wearing shoes, don't judge me! And I'll be purchasing a grocery cart cover-thingy once I find a print that reflects our style.)

XOXO

The Is"shoe"

2010-07-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

After my last post I decided I really need to find Elle some new sandals. I went to Piperlime first, why, I couldn't tell you. They do have some cute sandals but if I don't have a pair of $47 sandals I can't imagine why Elle would need a pair, they are fabulous though, huh? Here are the ones I ordered and these I'm wrestling with ; I mean practicality totally gets thrown out the window, they're white! And as the cold weather sets in she'll just being how to walk. I can see this going real bad, real quick.

“The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents.”
~John C. Plomp

XOXO

My Little Wiggle-Worm

2010-07-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Elle's first time riding in her stroller! A very big moment for us. Hip, Hip, HOORAY! I don't really like having to run errands during the week. If it can't take place during my lunch hour then it just has to wait till' the weekend. But now that I'm exercising during my lunch hour that means every now and again I've just gotta suck it up and get things done. Formula was needed so we headed out to Babies "R" Us and since we were out and it was close we made a quick stop at Target too. FYI-There is no such thing has a "quick stop at Target" LOL!

She did a great job at Babies "R" Us! Cool, calm, collected, just loving life. I'm in a bit of dilemma, Elle needs a new pair of sandals. She's inching her way out of the very stylish ones she currently has. My problem is that I really don't like what I've got to choose from which is the whole reason I hadn't bought any prior to them. To me they are so old lady and orthopedic looking. And we are neither old lady or orthopedic! So after picking up the formula, which I got a free can of! Gotta love the rewards program, after every 9 cans you get a free one & a bathing suit, which was on clearance too! We were off to Target. I had bought some outfits that were the wrong size & since I didn't have the receipt and they're such sticklers about there exchange policy I had a hunt in front of me. So to avoid a return visit I decided I had to try the shorts on to make sure they fit. Sounds like a smart thing to do right? WRONG! So here we are in the back of the baby dept. I've unbuckled Elle from her stroller, slid her bloomers off, got the shorts ready to go up and my lil' wiggle worm wasn't having it! She is practically going nuts and I'm doing everything in my power to not let her wiggle out of the stroller and on to the ground. I wrestle the shorts up and back down, WHEW! I picked out a few more things and then I realize I don't hear her lil' maraca...why is it so quiet? I take a few steps back and there it is on the floor. As we head for the customer service desk I don't see her passy. I check all around her and it's no where to be found, so we head back to the baby dept. on a mission to find it! A dad had picked it up off the floor and set it aside in case we returned, thank goodness because that was one of her cuter ones...lol!

I left out our visit to the dressing room. Before we left the house Elle ate but eventually it was going to be time for a bottle. Insert our bottle break. She's a mess & falling apart, hunger pains have that effect & as I try to reason with her and explain that I'm moving as fast as I can, she's not really responding all that well. After a few additional minutes taking over the handicap changing room she was momentarily content and allowed us to finish up our shopping. One day she's really going to enjoy our shopping trips, yesterday wasn't that day!

Stroller=Struggle. XOXO

I'm Busy...doing nothing

2010-07-15T06:42:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had the esteem pleasure of having a quick chat with a dear friend. She recently relocated, luckily it's near the beach so even though she left our great city how can you not love that part?! Since I love both my local Hallmark and snail mail (minus the post-master, ofcourse) I write her once a week. It's my way of letting her know that I miss her and I tell her about whatever is going on that day. While we were talking yesterday she asked what was going on and it hit me that I can sum my life up in just a few sentences.

Elle's fabulous! She's starting to crawl, backwards but it's progress; she's reaching for stuff; she cries if you take something away from her that she's fond of, like my headphones; she loves em'! And as soon as I take them away cue the waterworks. Last night she had a wrapper in her hand and as soon as she put it in her mouth I took it away from her. I'll give her credit though she didn't immediately go that route she did some investigating first. I watched her cry, like push out these huge tears and her bottom lip curled under. I also took a minute to listen to her cry. Just see if I could hear a difference when she's hungry. I'll have to get back to you on that.

Work is good. I've been a little irritated with some co-workers recently but nothing too crazy.

I've become a gym rat. My 10-year high school reunion is in September and I'd like to lose 15 lbs. I'm not gonna lie, twenty would be better. So since there's enough time to change my eating habits (i.e. my beer consumption...lol) & sweat it off versus going on the cottage cheese and apple diet, because that sounds like fun! Not. It's only been four days today but I'm really proud of myself. I've resisted Panda Express, I found a coupon for a free entree (tempting), this morning there were the most yummy bagels & cream cheese in our office (enticing); but I resisted! Part of what helps is I found a dress & in order to fit it and look my best I've gotta stay strong! And to reward myself I'm planning a girls night out in a month. That way I can have a few cocktails and a yummy dinner and then get right back to it.

Normal's nice. XOXO

"Not" Mom of the Year

2010-07-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

I'd have to say that I'm both surprised and proud of myself for wanting to be "Not" Mom of the Year, I've wanted the coveted Mom of the Year title since the day I had my daughter. To be completely honest, it started while I was pregnant. I wanted to look my best inspite of feeling my worst, which meant a new haircut, saying goodbye to the blonde hair that I felt defined such a huge part of the person I was (that alone was a hard pill to swallow if that's who I was then who am I now), smiling through the morning sickness which left me unable to eat till the clock struck noon, an obsession with finding skinny leg maternity jeans so I could still wear my uggs, determination not to pack on the pounds, and perseverance to still celebrate one of my favorite holidays almost eight months pregnant, Halloween.

I've only been a mom nearing eight months but in this "short" time I began striving to be Gold Star Mom and today I can say & more importantly mean, the day isn't a failure if I don't get a gold star; some days are no star days and those are the times that I want to share with you...

When it comes to Elle and her crib lets just say I've won a battle here and there but she's won the war. It's with a heavy heart and bowed head that I admit Elle spends more nights next to me then in the pretty crib just inches away. She's actually turned into quite the bed hog! The first time I decided to lay down the law put her in there and let her cry it out this is what being a tough guy got me.

It hurts, guess that's why they're called growing pains...huh? She was supposed to calm down and nod off but after what was the longest half hour of our lives I relented, snapped this photo & begged for forgiveness.

When it comes time for mom to eat let's just say that it's no easy feat. When there's another person around it makes things a lot easier but more times then not that's a luxury I'm not always afforded.

I make sure she's fed & changed, then I place her in her bouncer, hand her a toy & make myself my dinner. She's stubborn! I'm 100% sure there is nothing wrong with her other than obviously not wanting to be strapped into the bouncer, which I know sounds rough but if she wasn't buckled in she would wiggle her way out of it and right onto the floor. So she cries, yells, attempts to get free and I let her. It's usually in an on and off pattern, she distracts herself, then remembers she's mad and is right back at it.

Taking pictures is just what I do! I was inspired by this article I read of a mom who took a picture of her son everyday his first year. I started out determined but I only made it around three months or so. I had the best of intentions but it takes a LOT! From when Elle was just an infant (mind you she's still just a baby) I've been pushing her buttons attempting to get the perfect shot.

The best part of all is that shots like this one and many more like it have turned out to be some of my favorites. I can't wait to be able to tell her about all the times I was unwavering in my desire for just the right picture.

I unashamedly match our outfits. I'm not a total nut job in that it has to be the same shade but if I'm wearing purple, she's wearing purple. I find it both fashion forward and absolutely adorable. It was hard to pick just the right picture that shows our style and quirky-ness but I think this one does a pretty good job!

I'm keeping it simple in a black & white tank and Elle's shining in her Run DMC onesie our facial expressions are just an added bonus :)

Whoever said being "Not" Mom of the Year was underrated clearly hasn't met me! XOXO

210 Days of Mommyhood

2010-06-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

As I hit day two hundred and ten of motherhood I can't help but pull out the calculator (math isn't my thing) and put some perspective on how many days we have to go till' it's day three hundred & sixty-five, drum roll please....155! When I look to the days ahead I realize that summer is going to come to an end and with the cold weather I've got pea coats, scarves & mittens in lieu of a bunting suit to look forward to.

My little Elle is more than I could have ever asked for. She's got rolling down and is well on her way to crawling. She's still figuring out how to maneuver her legs to get moving but it's coming together. She's definitely giving it her all with her head laying flat and her bottom in the air and her legs moving but just not the rest of her. One day she'll put it all together I just hope I can keep up! She still doesn't have teeth but they're on there way, right?! Our pediatrician's kid got they're teeth on the later end of a year so until there is something to worry about...I won't. Besides her pretty smile is all gums and there is just something so precious about it.

Me and Elle have come a long way when it comes to church on Sunday's. I'm so very proud of us! I want to start with our ride this past Sunday morning. The sun can blind my poor girl and this particular time I couldn't help but laugh. My first thought was Elle is definitely honors level material. She had the sun in her eyes but this time around she didn't just take it she actually moved her head around to get it out of the sun. I was impressed. But then decided I should pull over and put her sunglasses on. If she could understand that the sun was in her eyes then ofcourse she'd get that the sunglasses were there to help. In theory that makes sense; however, that was not the case. By the time we were getting back on the road she had taken them off! We kept trucking and when we got to a red light I tried putting her glasses back on but still no luck! We also scored with our parking spot too! There was a car pulling out but I passed them basically burned rubber and circled the parking lot to get back to it, it was in the very front of the church, primo spot. I did have to be just a wee bit aggressive in attaining it which I know isn't very nice but I've got a heavy baby to carry & it was either there or in the overflow lot, so cut me some slack! Looking back to the first time I dropped her off at the nursery, I was terrified. I'm pretty sure I spent the entire hour with an accelerated heart beat, but we made it! This Sunday though when I came to pick her up she was sitting and had her sandal in her mouth. No tears in sight and all smiles! I guess she's getting the hang of it. I know she gave the ladies there a run for there money and I'm so glad that they didn't buzz me at the first sight of tears and by tears I mean pissed off, fussy, tired theatrics...thank you sweet baby Jesus!

Time flies when you're having fun! XOXO

Elle & the carrots vs. Mommy

2010-06-25T08:25:00.001-07:00

I lost & my white tank top was a causality! XOXO

Sorching, sweltering, sizzling...in other words, HOT!

2010-06-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend me, Elle & my niece, Tatiana spent the afternoon with Tracy and her god daughter Ella. There was a festival going on at a park in the city and I couldn't think of a better way to get out and have some fun! There are the girls all buckled in and ready to go! Aren't they some cuties :)

We made it to the park right as things were getting started. After cruising by the booths we ended up at the playground and that's where we spent the rest of our afternoon. Tatiana and Ella had a fun time playing and me and Elle had a lunch break. As the girls were playing the inflatables were in the final stages of going up and Tots was all about em'! There was an alligator and a crayola playhouse that she had fun on. Ella did her best to keep up but it just wasn't in the cards for her. She's not quite there yet in the being able to play and jump without adult assistance, but she gave it her best! GO ELLA! The next thing to catch Tatiana's eye was one of those jumpy contraptions. I have no idea what they're really called but they strap you in and you jump. Well the sun had kicked in full force and was beaming down on us from above. Tots really wanted to do it and since the line wasn't very long, we were in it to win it. The waiting was unbearable for both of us for very different reasons. I'll start with her, she's an impatient four year old. She was just steps from being able to jump her lil' heart out. She kept asking me if it was her turn and I did my best to explain to her (several times might I add) that she had to wait her turn, everyone had to wait there turn, it's called being fair. I'm pretty sure she wasn't impressed with my answer but my next line of defense was to use a nick jr. cartoon to help explain things but something told me she just wasn't in to mood, she just wanted to jump! It was right around here where another mom and myself were ready to jump one of the guys working there. Apparently, there were two lines and when he went to strap in a kid who hadn't even begun to break a sweat we pounced on him. Actually, she took the lead and I played back-up, but don't let that fool you...I meant business too! But fair is fair and we just picked the wrong line...hahahaha! I thought our odds were better staying put and waiting it out with the little kids since the bigger ones would probably be better jumpers and would be able to last longer. So there were two kids in front of us and after me and another mom tried to beat up the guy working the activity, one of those said children was strapped in and we just had one little girl standing in our way. In what seemed like an eternity it was FINALLY our turn, WOO HOO BABY! Now this is where I'll give Tots some credit. She only jumped a few times and in just a matter of minutes she was scared and she demanded that the guy get her unstrapped, to the point where she was ready to un-do herself from it. I took my "mom's not playing, in this case auntie B means business" and told her to stop. After a quick diaper change & reapplying of sunscreen I was placing Elle back in her stroller & Tots was ready to take her sneakers off and put her flip flops on. We're so high maintenance!

On our way to the exit we stopped for a quick bite. I got Tots a slice of pizza and some pink lemonade. We stopped at a picnic area to enjoy it. And since the benches were hurting Tatiana's bottom we moved to another spot, I tell you it's always something with that girl! Next problem, the slice of pizza was too big for her to hold on her own. So being the great aunt that I am, I held it and fed it to her. All the while giving bites to Ella too! When we were all done Tracy took a moment to remind Ella that's how you share because prior to that when Tracy had given Tots one of her juices she had a small meltdown about it. Before we started our trek to the car we got a group shot!

After a few tears shed by Ella from not wanting to sit in her stroller in favor of wanting to walk, we were back at the car and loading the girls in. In no time at all they were all soundly asleep, GO VEE & TRA'!

The day before our perspiring park adventure we went swimming at Tracy's! And this time I actually put on a bathing suit so that Elle could fully enjoy the water. I know, I'm just a good mom like that. It took her a few minutes to warm up to it but before you knew it she was having a great time. Kicking her feet, giggling, and enjoying the water!

Here's to more fun in the sun. XOXO

Summer Lovin'

2010-06-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

This past weekend are best summed up as two fun days in the sun!

On Saturday we went to Tracy's and lounged by the pool. It was Elle's first pool day! Oh, how I love the first's we get to experience together. It took us an unusually long time to get out of the house. I must have gone back in at least three times to grab something I forgot only to realize there was something else and oh yeah, one more thing too! Geez! But before you knew it we had the wind in our hair and our baby einstein cd playing our favorite tunes. Elle's acquired a new talent. She can get one of her shoes off (usually it's the left one), by rubbing her little feet together and then she proceeds to suck on it. She had her very cute white eyelet ones in her mouth pretty much the entire way we were on on way to Tracy's. I wasn't really up to fighting with her in the car so I let her go ahead and enjoy herself, who am I to ruin someone's good time?! LOL. Once we finally got to Tracy's I got Elle changed in to her swimsuit. It's a tankini & it's brown zebra print (ofcourse it's a print. mom has yet to meet a print that she didn't like!) and has pink accents. It's soooooo cute! It took me awhile to commit to buying Elle a bathing suit they are all so cute but I just hadn't found something I loved. Well finally one faithful trip to Babies "R" Us, I spotted it & it was love at first sight. As I was changing Elle's diaper, I had her on the floor and her diaper was open and she got me, like a little cherub fountain...LOL! It was actually very funny & it didn't even phase Tracy she's gotta a dog so she's familiar with the accidents that happen, kids and dogs I tell you! We headed out to the pool and went to dip our feet in the water. Maybe next time I'll put a suit on but I was in shorts and a tube top, classic Vanessa. And Elle thoroughly enjoyed herself! She kicked her little feet around but once I sat her in the water she had a minor freak out and well that was a enough of that. We spent the rest of the afternoon in the shade and after a bottle and sunscreen application Elle was taking a nap. We had a great time with Tracy and are both definitely looking forward to more pool days!

Sundays are reserved for Dizzy. And this Sunday she invited us to tag along with her to her 10 year high school reunion cook out. To say that it was hot was a gross understatement. The sun was shining and it was blazing! We were both in purple dresses (in support of the Lakers....ofcourse!) FYI-as it stands the series is tied 2-2. And speaking of the Lakers, Dizzy has a very cute picture of yours truly in my Lakers tank...hmmmm?! Well being that I was not a graduate of Mays, I didn't know anyone there but there were a few familiar faces; people that I've met through Dizzy. It made me think of my own reunion that is on the horizon and my first thought was there won't be that many black people there....LOL! It also made me very glad that I've chosen the school for Elle that I have. Diversity is so important and so is knowing that black is beautiful, in all of its shades. After about two hours we threw in the towel. Elle was sweating her lil' butt off! I think she was having fun but I'm sure she was happy to be in the cool air conditioned car. Once we got home I gave her a bath and we enjoyed what was left of the weekend together.

I laid her in her crib while I put away some laundry. And this is what my tiny acrobat did:

Auntie Sam thought this was very funny! She started to call Elle's crib, "baby jail" and in no time flat my niece had joined in :) PS-can we talk about how she's actually looking at the camera & is that a smile I see?! Oh yeah it is! Progress baby, progress :)

OH! I almost forgot. Me and Elle had another first this weekend. On Sunday morning at church I dropped Elle off at the nursery! This was a very big step for me but I was looking forward to being able to focus & it ended up being just what I needed to hear. They gave me one of those buzzers you get at restaurants when your table is ready. Even though I spent the hour in a silent panic...we both made it! Although when I went to pick her up she was crying she had been fine the entire time they said. She was just tired. As soon as I got her calmed down, in the car & pulled over to feed her, she drifted off to sleep. She was really sleeping because when I got into the house and got her out of her car seat she stayed asleep! SCORE! Mom got to enjoy a bowl of cereal :)

Summertime fun has just begun...XOXO

Ms. Poopy Pants

2010-06-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been filled with all sorts of things. None of which I can actually recall right now! It's both funny & sad that I'm busy, tired, hungry, and as I sit here trying to recall it all...BLANK!

What sticks out most poignantly is the rough few days when Elle's pipes were just a wee bit out of wack. First time around I called our pediatrician while simultaneously doing a bing search. What the doctor said and my findings matched up (not that I value the opinion of some looney person over that of a degreed professional, just saying). The verdict was give a couple tablespoons of apple juice. Well, my mother was still a bit concerned so I knocked things up a notch and called an advice nurse. She said there wasn't anything to be alarmed about yet. Apparently, when it comes to diarrhea and babies what constitutes "diarrhea" is an increase in the number of times she's going versus the consistency. I know this may be more then you'd like to know but seriously this is my life. I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to! Later that afternoon I got a follow up call from our pediatrician. She just wanted to make sure everything was okay and she said we could give Elle some pedialyte too. Other than that we should stick to starches (i.e. bananas, applesauce & rice cereal) to thicken the poo up. After the pedialyte things seemed to be back in working order. WHEW! The worst one to date (since I know you really wanna know and who am I to not share?!) She got poo-poo all over herself, literally. It was like a grenade went off! I'm not exaggerating. It was all over her back, the back of her dress (which I had to rinse out and put in the dryer so it didn't disrupt the color scheme for the day), & the chair she was sitting in. I wanted to cry but it was too funny to do anything but laugh. All I can think is one day I might be able to return the favor!

Here's to potty training and big girl panties....

XOXO

180 Days of Mommyhood

2010-06-11T08:36:00.001-07:00

We made it halfway! In another six months I'll have all the makings of a little person on my hands. I've decided it's a catch-22! One one hand I'm looking forward to what the next months have in store but on the other hand it's like my baby is disappearing right before my eyes. Sometimes I find myself looking at her and can't help but think, "WHERE DID MY BABY GO?!"

Elle's six month check-up was about eight days before her official anniversary. And me and her Auntie Sam took her. I hadn't been to the pediatrician's office since I entered back into the workforce from the glorious time I spent as a SAHM (AKA-maternity leave). It was great to see the doctor! Of course in true mom fashion I had Auntie Sam snapping pictures. Which our pediatrician has become accustomed to. She even commented about how I'd have the pictures on facebook later that day! Yes, she really is that awesome. Everything checked out well! She's actually above average in the weight dept. but no worries, she looks healthy & not fat! She weighed in at 16 lbs. & 13 oz. which was actually very funny because the girl weighing her said 26 lbs. at first. Me and my sister looked at each other and I asked the girl if she was sure, LOL! Elle was also due for some vaccinations. Three to be exact, one oral and the other two the good ol' fashion way. I'd have to say that Elle did a great job! She cried but after some hugs and kisses from mom & a bottle she was ready to get dressed and head out. The good news is that on her next visit she won't get any shots! Now if there was only a way I could let her know that?! Her next one's aren't due till she's a year. It's so weird to even type that. A year. She's gonna be a year!

That seems like the perfect way to segway into what I've recently just begun, as of yesterday to be exact...planning Elle's first birthday! I thought I had a plan of what I wanted to do and after just a few clicks all of that changed. I've got folder and after printing out a pretty informative article on how to plan a 1st birthday party, I'm officially ready! I think I've settled on the invites, the theme is coming together and the party favors are going to be fabulous! To say I'm beyond excited is nowhere close to what I'm feeling and let me remind you that we've got six months to go! I really feel like this birthday is going to set the standard. It's like it's a test. I know it's not really a test, but just go with it. I realize this isn't something she's going to remember so I'll hold off on the petting zoo & clowns until it's appropriate. Oh, yes! I mean birthday business baby :) If Elle knows nothing else early on she'll know this: I LOVE HER! I take pictures of everything. I'm not matchy-matchy but if I'm wearing yellow, she's wearing yellow. I plan everything! And it's that planning that means she is going to be having a blast & that's what is most important to me. I've already got the makings of a social butterfly on my hands. Her face literally lights up when we head out the front door and she's super friendly!

She's a tiny version of her momma! Six months down and six to go...

XOXO

Summer Blog Tour '10

2010-05-27T05:25:00.000-07:00

I want to thank Holly and Abbey of The Work at Home Woman and Living My Moment for selecting my blog as one of the stops in this sixty day fabulousness known as the Summer Blog Tour! I'm so excited to be a part of this.

Hi. Welcome. Take a read around! Laugh, cry, laugh some more...it's my life. It's not all rainbows and ponies some days there are typhoons, blizzards and sizzling temperatures, but this is my adventure. I've gone from your resident party girl to single mom navigating this thing called life the best way I know how. I'm unashamedly "one of those" mom's! I've got a school picked out, found Spanish & piano lessons and circled and highlighted my way through summer camps, I guess the question is all girl or co-ed? For the time being I've got time on my hands after all Elle is only six months! But one day my little babe isn't going to be so little and well mom's gotta have a plan of action. The thought of raising and shaping the life of my daughter is scary, challenging and beyond rewarding.

Letting the love and craziness flow freely...

XOXO

Week #4-Freebie (i.e. Mom Needs to Re-Group)

2010-05-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

I was really excited to take on this ch allege because I thought it'd help me keep myself accountable. Well...when you're both sergeant and cheering section things can become a lil' blurred. I'm giving out lashings and hi-fives and let's not forget making excuses too. I'm not really where I should be but all is not lost because well because I say so, damnit!

This weeks question is "How you think you are doing? And are you happy with your results thus far? Is there anything I can do to help you with your goals --- topic you would like to see in the upcoming weeks, etc.?"

I could certainly be doing better. I think the positive in that is that there's room for improvement. As it go, a lot of room! When it comes to the various areas of my life I think focus is where I'm falling short. I know what I want but it seems that I'm ready to get going when I've fallen behind. So that's what I'm going to work on addressing this week. Really coming up with a plan that I can put into full effect and be successful at. It would also help to not see things as "win or lose" it's easy to say to myself "You didn't go to the gym yesterday, not going today isn't that a big a deal" or "I've got to do this, this and this and there's no time for the gym."

I have a question, what is this point system all about? That piece of the puzzle totally escapes me.

I can't think of a topic I'd like to see covered in the upcoming weeks but I am looking forward turning things around...

XOXO

Elle for the Win!

2010-05-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

When it comes Elle and bedtime let's just say that Operation Graco is still in full force. It goes without saying, the girl wears me out! During the week it's not so much of an issue because I've got to get up for work and well getting two beautiful gals ready for the day takes it's due time. I've recently discovered the joys of coffee and must admit it's my savior! A cup of Maxwell House, chocolate creamer, and some sugar and this mom is ready to take on the day that is until I hit my afternoon slump, but even then a little fresh air and it's five o'clock before you know it.

Elle's hit a new developmental milestone and the girl can't lay still to save her life. She's rolling all by herself! And just because you put her down in one place that doesn't mean that's where she'll be a blink of an eye later. This is proving to be a MAJOR problem when it comes to her sleeping in her crib. She's moving around so much that she's waking up tangled up in herself and she's not sleeping as soundly. Last night was the perfect example of this. She initially fell asleep in my arms and once I thought the coast was clear she went in her crib and mom got to eat dinner! Not long after that I was asleep myself and just like that Elle was awake and crying. I found her in the upper left hand corner of her crib wailing at the top of her lungs. After some formula and the soothing sounds of the womb bear she was back out and placed ever so gently back in her crib. As soon as her pretty brown skin hit the crib she was already trying to fight me. Well, I resisted the urge to pick her back up and stuck the passy in her mouth and she was headed right back to snooze ville! GO MOM! In what was under about two hours she was up and back soundly asleep in my arms in just a matter of minutes. Are you seeing a pattern here too?! Well I can honestly say I gave her all the fight I had because when I woken up again this time at the stroke of midnight, I decided that Elle was the winner of this battle. I got her back to sleep and placed her next to me and she proceeded to take up the ENTIRE bed, which might I add is a queen! As I worked my way to the very edge all I think about was how nice it was to have it all to myself.

Well, not tonight mom!

XOXO

Welcome to Braves Country!

2010-05-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

Sunday we took in a Braves game as a family. That basically means that at any given point emotions are going to run high and tempers are sure to flare. The good news is we didn't let each other down :)

Just leaving the house was a feat. First, I woke up to a hangover. It's been quite sometime since I woke up head pounding and in desperate need of water and aspirin. I don't think it had anything to do with the amount I drank more so then that's just the affect of cheap alcohol, LOL! After getting my Elle gorgeous for the day ahead I moved on to readying myself; in between feeding, changing and picking up Elle, she's high maintenance but I wouldn't have it any other way. After triple checking that I had everything Elle would need: diapers & wipes, formula & water, an extra outfit, toys, sunscreen, passy's, teeth medicine and all I needed was my camera, phone, license and debit card, we were good to go and rounding up the rest of the crew.

After a small detour due to the GPS failing me we were parking the car and making our way to Turner Field! I recently bought Elle a very snazzy pair of sunglasses and some hats, both very appropriate given that we were about to spend the day under the blazing sun. She's not really there yet when it comes to the sunglasses. They kinda freak her out, like a lot! The first time she wore them was absolutely hysterical and my FLIP captured the whole thing. On our way into the park Elle was forward facing in her carrier and had quite the time. She laughed, giggled and brought a smile to everyone's face like she always does.

Right as we entered the stadium there was incident #1! My sister went off to take pictures of the pre-game parade going on but failed to tell anyone. So I'm standing there literally freaking out because I'm thinking the worst. In the blink of an eye anything could happen! So as I scan the crowd for my chocolate drop I see her making her way back to us. She went up front to get some pictures. All of the commotion also sent Elle into quite the tizzy. It was pretty much sensory overload. But after a few squeezes and smoooches she was back to herself. Here the three of us are with Homer, the Braves mascot. FYI-I just had to google that tidbit of information!

We finally started to making our way to our seats which were by the way fabulous! Don had got them from his boss who couldn't go. We ended up right at home plate and first base. And although the sun was relentless the seats made it worth it. I figure I knock out two birds with one stone with a picture of how close we were and of the man who is my favorite and cutest Brave of em' all...Jason Heyward! As the game geared up Elle was on her way to sleep. I re-applied sunscreen, adjusted her hat and let her nap. When they made there first home run it actually startled her out her sleep but after she realized she was okay she nodded right back off. We were somewhere around the fifth inning or so when baby girl decided to join us. I decided to go cool us down with a trip to the bathroom and drink carts! First up, a rather eventful trip to the bathroom. There wasn't a changing table. Big surprise there. This is the third instance where I had to take Elle into a stall to get her changed. It wasn't till' I was in there with her that I realized just how sweaty she was. Her back was soaked! So as I proceed to get her undressed she begins to scream at the top of her lungs. She's hungry! So everything comes to a screeching halt so I can get the girl fed. Six ounces of formula later the hunger pains have passed and I get back to what we went in there for. I get her diaper changed, her new outfit on and yes, use the restroom myself (all with one hand might I add) and we're washing our hands and mom is ready for a cold beer! Elle takes in the next few innings on the laps of her Gram-Gram and Paw-Paw.

We left around the 8th inning (FYI-we won 13-1). The Braves were winning and well I didn't really want to fight a bunch of traffic trying to leave, so the car we went! As we were exiting the stadium we ran into Dizzy! We usually spend Sunday's with her. We were supposed to go to the game with her but then Don got the tickets and it became a family affair. It was great to see her. I've really come to look forward to them & I know Elle has too. Dizzy is the only non-relative Elle's ever spent time away from us with too! I know I'm in trouble with those two when Elle starts talking! We snapped a quick picture together but it's on Dizzy's camera so when she gets it uploaded I'll be adding it!

It was honestly a great day! Even though my mom got a stain on her white tank, Auntie Sam had a mini meltdown from the heat, and as usual it all went over Don's head cause he still doesn't get what all the commotion is about...LOL!

XOXO

Week #3-h2O

2010-05-17T09:56:00.001-07:00

This week is all about the benefits of drinking water. It can really aid you in losing weight and can also help to curb those "hunger" pains that are more then likely "I'm bored and well ice cream just sounds good" pains...LOL! You know what I mean :)

The question this week is "How many ounces of water can you drink this week?"

I'm so proud of myself for making the time to do this, and especially today. I would have felt a little guilty had this been the middle of the week. Not to mention I've got a dress I'd like to fit just a wee bit better next week so maybe trading the soda for water couldn't have come at a better time. That being said I'm going to drink fifty-six ounces of water a day; which adds up to being 392 ounces from today through Sunday. I decided on fifty-six because it's always that last glass with me. Somehow it never happens so at least this way on days it does I can give myself a high five and on the days it doesn't I would have reached my goal for the day. It's a win-win, if you ask me!

Bottoms up! XOXO

Week #2-Change it Up

2010-05-17T07:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm late. I've got more on my plate then can fit and well this is part of what fell off. I'll press pause on whining about any of that and get back to the topic at hand...dropping some pounds!

The question for last weeks was, "What have you tried or what are you planning to try to change it up a little?"

What I'd like to do to change my routine up is start walking at the park. Although I've got the fancy schmancy gym membership, this for me is a lil' outside of my comfort zone. For one I'm notorious for laughing at people who exercise outside. In most instances it's those who are running/walking. People do funny stuff. So before you judge me, I think it's only fair that people laugh at me as well. See there, balance...LOL! But seriously my goal is to go three times a week and walk two miles. I figure it's best to be realistic and set an attainable goal. Not to mention I can bring Elle along with me and it'll be some much needed mommy-daughter time injected into our week.

Here's to taking on the concrete jungle!

XOXO

A Bandaid Ain't Gonna Fix It!

2010-05-07T06:32:00.000-07:00

I realized rather quickly last evening that I was in an all out battle with my mother. Prior to abruptly being told that I would be "dealt" with so to speak in a few days, I didn't understand the magnitude of what I created. In true Vanessa fashion...I cried. And I cried some more & then I called Tracy & you guessed it, cried just a lil' bit more. As my babe drifted off to sleep I decided that something, one thing in particular needed to change. It's hard to put into words but there's a part of me that feels underestimated by mother. Yes, I'm all for the "it's takes a village to raise a child" but I'm the leader of said village!

Although my mother doesn't quite care for my airing of what one would consider "private/personal" this blog is about my life. All of it, which she so cleverly pointed out I don't dish about things intimate nature. This is not one of "those" kinds of blogs...lol! I'm feel confident in having covered that. The last time I checked we all know how babies are made :) But on serious note I want to make sure I convey that I love my mother. She drives me crazy and I know I give it right back to her; but, this is the dynamic of our relationship. No, it's not all giggles, laughs and pony's. But it's honest maybe not open in the sense that we just hash it out right then and there but we're working on it.

With all of that said I've come to the decision to put in Elle in daycare. For the past six months Elle has been the very lucky recipient of first class care. But it's A LOT of work! I can only one day hope to be a stay at home mom but in the mean time this working mom is going to give her mom a break. I'm not gonna lie it freaks me out to imagine dropping my baby girl off but I know that she is going to be in very capable and caring hands. I've found a great deal at the daycare a family friend works at. It's honestly a big huge blessing because childcare is anything but cheap. Not only that she'll be the hands of someone that I trust and that is a huge relief. We've, that would be my mother & I have yet to come to decision on the specifics but come the beginning of next month Elle will be starting her passage on becoming a woman of the world. I just hope we each are able to understand this is just a natural progression of things. She's got social skills & independence to aquire and well I've got to learn how to help guide her without being a "helicopter" mom. So here's to a few days of tears on both our parts but more importantly here's to us making our way in the world, together!

XOXO

Say what you Mean, and Mean what you say, but don't say it Mean

2010-05-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say when it comes to talking open & honestly it's something that I'm still working on. It's not so much that it's hard to be open or honest it's the getting it out part. Thinking too much before you speak has got to be as bad as not thinking at all. At least this is the realization that I'm coming to.

When it comes the relationship I have with my mother it's one that means the world to me and frustrates the hell out of me, simultaneously. The entire purpose of this blog was share my triumphs and failures in way that allows me to get what I need off my chest and be honest with myself. It becomes challenging to do that when the people I write about are also the people who not only read this but who are a daily part of my life, i.e. my mother. There are times when I don't think she really understands the the affect of hers in a "grand scheme" of things kind of way. She's my biggest fan and critic all rolled up in one. It can all be too much at times and this is one of those times. Up to this point I haven't told anyone but my mother that she makes me feel like what I've termed "a deadbeat mom." In my pursuit to hold on and live the remainder of my single girl lifestyle I've heard some very hurtful things, all which I've expressed to her. It's our main point of contention and just when I think all is good and well I'm slapped in the face with the actuality that it couldn't be any further from the truth. It's aggravating but more than that it's hurtful.

Here's the thing: my mother is very much a homebody. I can remember being a little girl and she was Friday nights and weekends. I'm definitely a social butterfly to put it mildly. I enjoy nights out and time with my girlfriends. I don't think I do anything to the point where it's at the expense of Elle, but I could be mistaken. I thought we were finally reaching something that resembled balance. Balance between being a mom and being Vanessa (oh yeah, I'm still definitely someone's mother). Then in moments like this I feel like I'm back at square one and the only way to make things right is to grovel for forgiveness. I don't want to grovel. I want to be able to talk and even hear things I may not like if that means that we're moving forward. That's the problem in and of itself...communication. I'm sure if you asked my mother she'd admit that she is hardest on me mainly because she has a different level of expectation of me. That much I get.

This all stems from you guessed it, a miscommunication. What I would have done, what I wanted my mother to do and what my mother did are all three VERY different things. This all started with my Grams saying she'd take evening duties of Elle. Well, when dusk was upon us she wasn't exactly stepping up to the plate in a way which communicated to my mother that she was ready to take over. I would have just talked to Grams about it. She's the furthest from old and senile but there have been instances in the past where it either slipped her mind or she got her days confused. Like I said she's old...LOL! I wanted my mother to just talk to her! But that didn't happen. As I approached my destination I got a phone call that started like this, "Vee, I need you to go to some place quiet..." that can't be leading to anything good and it sure didn't! What my mother did , was unleash her frustration and tiredness (PS-she did have Elle all day) on yours truly. I was the recipient of what I think should have gone to someone else (i.e. Grams) but I guess that's part of being the mom. It all eventually circles back to me! I can honestly say I gave turning around and saying fuck it, some serious thought. It's like what's the point of making a plan when all falls apart and I'm the one to blame. All my mother hears is, "I don't not want to do things because I have Elle" now this is in context of something completely different but yet this is what was thrown at me. It's honestly how I feel. If there is something I want to do and Elle is a part of it, so be it. But I'm not NOT going to do something because I have her. She is a part of my life, like the biggest part. She lucked out and got a very social and happening mama. This she will come to know very soon. And for it she will have grace, style and sophistication very much like her mother.

As it stands like with every anger fueled exchange we're at the part where we aren't speaking to each other. I know sooner than later this will be just another "Vanette & Vanessa" moment but for the right now, it sucks! I don't want me and Elle to be like this. Sure some of it is normal, at least I think but if she isn't able to talk to me candidly, then who? That makes me laugh cause right now Elle can't talk...but one day my lil' baby is going to be a fiesty teenager, lord help me!

XOXO

"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” ~Anthony Robbins

You Can Run BUT You Can't Hide...

2010-05-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

At least not for long!

When it comes to the baby making process one can not do it alone. Not surprisingly, in my case I didn't do it alone. However, when it comes to this thing called parenthood I'm very much in it alone. I've got a fabulous supporting cast and this would very much be a different experience without them but I don't have a teammate, as it goes it's Team Mom :)

I'll be the first proponent for the understanding that having a baby means doesn't mean togetherness on any level. It's a nice idea and all but that isn't necessarily how it works out.

Sidebar-I was watching the telly last night and saw this very interesting show. The woman was a paraplegic and she had a baby. It was actually an update. It had been four years & over this span of time she had gotten divorced, was dealing with not feeling/being back to how she felt pre-pregnancy and she could not have been a better example for what women will sacrifice for their kids. She in my opinion was the definition of strength. She required attendants to help her and aid in raising her son. But she saw the beauty and gift in life and although things weren't how she had pictured them ending up she was making the most of the life she had. It was actually very inspiring. It definitely put things in perspective. She was also venturing back out on to the dating scene. So there we have it...I'm not only going to love this thing called motherhood more then I thought I was capable of & I'm gonna find me a man!

I knew from the very beginning that DaddyWarBucks was not going to of his own free will hand over his money. I was going to have to rip it out of his hands. This marks the beginning of said ripping. From the looks of it it's going to be a long (albeit painful) tearing process. With a court date set my heart literally pounded out of my chest. All I could think was this is real. Really my life. This man really thinks he can choose to not be financially responsible for the life he took part in creating. That aside he's already a Dad! Evidently being responsible father of one doesn't mean when child number two comes along, the same will hold true. The day prior to the court appearance I called as stated on the paperwork and made sure that it was still on the calendar & was a go. After nearly having to give a urine sample to identify myself it took a matter of seconds to find out that the next step in the process would not be happening. As of yet he hasn't been served...Round #1-DaddyWarBucks. There is no way of knowing or predicting what the future holds. Elle is happy and healthy, that is matters to me most. Money is and will be just that, money. It's not time or love and when Elle looks back on her childhood those are two things that will matter more than anything can buy. Besides she's mesmerized by the simplest of things right now, $20 maracas that count, say colors and play music in english and spanish, not so much; BUT plastic QT cup to play with during bath time and the girl is in love!

There are moments when all I see when I look at Elle is him. It hurts my heart that this is the choice that he's making. He's missing out on knowing the most beautifully precious person.

XOXO

Week #1-Focusing on the Positive

2010-05-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

So as I begin the sendoff to this final 20lbs., week one rather fittingly begins with a glass half-full take on yourself. The question is: What is the one thing that you find makes you feel beautiful/good about yourself? And why?

At first I was anything but bombarded with answers, LOL! But after spending the majority of the day thinking about it I'd have say being bronze makes me feel good about myself. Yes, for those of you who are questioning my ethnicity; I indeed am black (and puerto-rican) and I love sunless tanner/bronzing lotion. I am not severely darker then my natural complexion but I have what I'd consider a lovely glow. Since I'm not able (and FYI-it's not healthy) to roast under the sun, I go this route. I've been doing it for years and normally start right around spring. I'd have to say Jennifer Lopez was my muse so to speak. I think she has gorgeous skin and to me there is nothing like pulling off a sunkissed glow.

XOXO

150 Days of Mommyhood

2010-04-30T06:56:00.001-07:00

On the day of the 28th, it wasn't til' about 7:00 that it dawned on me that it was Elle's five month anniversary on the planet. As I was talking about the date I actually thought it was the next day. Oppsy?! The picture above probably describes life best right now. For one, I'm exhausted. The days start as early as 4:45 and they don't end till' 9:00 or 10:00 that night. During the week I've got my morning routine down to about thirty-five minutes and that includes a shower! My hair is curly, the make-up is minimal (just enough to not scare anybody) & on a good day I'm scurrying out of the house no later then seven o'clock to start my commute to work. The funny thing is on this particular morning we were up before the sun at around 4:40, Elle was bright eyed and bushy tailed...LOL! After a brief once over I realized that she was indeed ready to start the day and so it began. The treat for me (yes there was something for mom) is that I was able to dry & straighten my hair. I'm pretty sure I was on-time to work too. Double win!

Elle has added oatmeal to the list of foods she's eating! We mix it with some fruit and babygirl is good to go. Although she is a lady of lesiure my mom is keeping her up longer throughout the day which ready's us for a successful full nights rest, which is rather nice. She's reaching and grabbing for things. One of her new favorites is my hair! I'm not lying when I tell you the girls got a fierce grip. She's teething. You can feel em' coming in but there is no evidence of them quite yet. The drool is non-stop & she's perfected being able to pull the passy out of her mouth and knaw on it. Not gonna lie, it's impressive. She's an absolute beauty and has a bubbly personality. Hold on, for a second I thought I was describing myself :) She lights up when she see's me after a long day apart. I think she's loves me?! Her growth and development amazes me. My little baby is growing into a little person and even though it's hard not to look forward to future milestones, I'm really gonna try and enjoy and embrace the present because I'm never going to get it back.

XOXO

What Happened to Having Manners?

2010-04-26T13:17:00.000-07:00

I'm what you'd call a "good girl." At least that is many a people's perception of me. Do I think it's way off? No, not at all. From an early age I've always sorta known that and at least outwardly did the best I could to live up to it. There was however a bump in this flawlessly paved road...I got pregnant. Good girls don't get pregnant. Wait. Scratch that. Do good girls even have sex...hmmmm?! LOL. A part of me can't help but feel kicked out of the club.

Over the weekend I ran into an old high school classmate/college roommate. It was great to see her, initially. After the girly yelp, hug and once over the very first out of this grown woman's mouth is: "I'm not gonna lie it kinda freaked me out you had a kid." Insert deep breath. Count to five. Just for fun take another deep breath. My response: You have two choices. Either you have a baby or you don't. I had a baby. She immediately chimed in: "NO, NO, you did the right thing!" Here's a warning that what I'm about to say might offend some people but I'm not going to make any apologies. Damn pro-lifers! I say that because I feel most harshly judged by people who don't see a choice. You got pregnant. You're having a baby. Except in reality it's not that simple. Facing parenthood alone is an awfully scary thing. It's ultimately a battle between this amazing realization that there is a life inside of you and the ulgy truth that is everything else. You have to do what's right for you. I did & even though I'm still most certainly working through the kinks if I for minute thought that I couldn't do this I would have seriously considered the alternatives. But alas, here we are...myself and Elle that is. She could not possibly bring more love and laughter into my life if she tried.

Having an opinion is clearly something that we're all entitled to. However, that doesn't give you the right to just say it. It's called tact and it's something that I think more people need to use. What happened to thinking before you speak? What happened to just shutting the hell up? What happened to good ol' fashioned gossiping? You know, telling your friend about this friend you have and so on and so forth. Hmmmmm....

All I can be is Vanessa. Mom. Friend. Lover.

XOXO

PS-Whoever and wherever the lady in charge is. Please consider reinstating my membership, it would mean a lot to this good girl.

I'm sorry, I don't know how else to be...

2010-04-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

I decided after much thought to take my last post down. I have a tendency to be passive aggressive. For me it's easier to make an an under handed comment then hash something out in a more productive manner. I also take more things than I should personally. It's easy to think something is or could be about you when in actuality you were nowhere on the person's radar. Here's to moving forward not only speaking up when I need to but also taking the time to really listen to myself internally & not fear doing what's right. I don't want to hold myself back because there's something exciting about the unknown, you don't know what's coming.

I wanna live. I wanna love. I wanna have fun. XOXO

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown

2010-04-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

Today is a day I've been looking forward to since I came to the harsh realization all pregnant women do...I can't fit my clothes. Eventually your expanding waist exceeds the inches allotted in those cute jeans and it's time to embrace the new section you're shopping in, maternity. In defense of maternity clothes and designers alike, I'll say this much, there are some fabulous finds out there! I had some really cute stuff but once you deliver baby and hit that in-between stage of not fitting your maternity stuff but nowhere near fitting your pre-pregnancy clothes, those self-deprecating thoughts start in.

The entire time I was pregnant becoming a fatty scared the hell out of me. I was scared because I used to be a fatty. Round face, chubby cheeks and size sixteen pants. I wish I could say I had a big booty but if you know me then you know that just isn't the case...LOL! But I wasn't happy. I looked at my friends and saw pretty girls with great personalities and I wasn't one of them. But after a year with Curves I finally stumbled upon some of my own. WOOOOO-HOOOOO baby :) And then I got pregnant and with that came major body changes. My boobs got bigger, my waist & hips spread, and I was literally lathering myself down with the Palmer's lotion to fend off stretch marks (FYI-it works!). There's one day in particular I remember like it was yesterday: I was getting dressed for work and went to put on one of my favorite dresses. Granted it was a lil' snug the previous time I had worn it I figured I could get one more wear out of it. Well, that wasn't the case and I popped the strap and proceeded to have a breakdown. It was that moment that jump started my packing away of the clothes that just weren't fitting and up went my maternity wardrobe.

Nine months later I had my babygirl. I decided to go easy on myself and permit a year to get back in shape. In my mind in year I'd be throwing Elle her first birthday party and I REFUSED to look anything less than fabulous! Well five months later and I'm not at my goal but I've very close. I'm only thirteen pounds from my goal weight. I currently weigh: 163 lbs. and ideally I'd like to be 150 lbs. The only time I'm able to get time in at the gym is during my lunch. I'm going daily (at least most days) and doing 40 minutes on the treadmill, eliptical or combination or both in addition to some various arm and leg work; oh, and you can't forget crunches. At times it doesn't seem like nearly enough but I guess it's working! And I'm so proud of myself!

Since I'm nearing my goal and it's the last ten pounds or so that seem to be the biggest pain in the ass I'm gonna be a part of the "Losing 1lb. at a Time Challenge." I think it'll be great to encourage as well as get encouragement and being held accountable will (hopefully) help me get my liquid calorie intake in check. See with me you can keep your cake and cookies it's the alcohol I have issues saying no to. Here's to taking it one pound at a time!

XOXO

PS-I would also like to address how far it is I feel I've come. I'm referring to the picture in the top right corner. The way I see it...I'm being honest! And it couldn't feel better. I'm the first to say I definitely have cuter days but this is me in the dress that I haven't been able to fit in over a year. Cut me some slack!

That was more for me than you...but thanks for just going with it!

Pity Party of One

2010-04-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Today has just been one of those days. I'm feeling emotionally taxed and in need of a good cry. Wait. Scratch that. Several small crying fits, a punching bag, cold beer & my snuggie. I would prefer it in that order too (hope I'm not asking for too much). I suppose you could chalk it up to my first day back to being on mom duty and eight to fivin' it. For the past two and half days I was living it up on vacation in (drum roll please....) Las Vegas! To say it was fabulously fantastic is still not doing it justice. From heading there to touching back down it was laughs & good times. My mantra: Drink.Gamble.Eat.Repeat.

The drinks were strong. The men were attractive. The weather lovely. The home of my Father. We spent some long overdue quality time together. The last time I saw him I was fourteen & there's really no clear cut reason as to why so much time passed believe I've racked my brain. All I can say is that life happened. And this is really where the tearing up and reflecting began. Vegas allowed me something I haven't had since I don't know when, quiet time. An opportunity to really look within and figure some things out. I feel like a way bigger mess then I let on or even think people see. I'm what you'd call chasing perfection. I present having it together when more times then not I feel anything but that. It's actually ironic because I'm told regularly by my closest friends that they I'm strong and they're proud of me. How can anyone be proud me when I'm not even proud of myself? This is hard. No, not impossible. But unbelievably hard. As I type this I hear, "It won't be this way forever." And although I do really believe and trust it won't be it doesn't do much to change the fact that right here, right now, this is how I feel. As I trudge ahead I know that I will make more of an effort to make my Dad a larger part of my life. I see this old man who I forgot was so incredibly special to me. He's warm and has the ability to make anyone laugh. We don't have our parents forever and it was a wake up call. To love the two people I call Mom & Dad.

For now this is enough. XOXO

120 days of Mommyhood

2010-04-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

This is my four month old lil' beauty! She is quite the character. Her personality is beginning to come out more and more with everyday. She's talkative and spending more of the day with her eyes wide open & enjoying her view of the world. The culmination of four months came with the introduction of....baby food. It started and very quickly ended with the rice cereal. She HATED it! After talking about it with some other moms I soon realized that it was about finding what Elle enjoyed eating versus treating the Gerber guidelines as the end all & be all on baby nutrition. On the menu first were sweet potatoes, which she LOVED! Since then I've stuck to orange veggies (i.e. squash, carrots, etc). Next, is introducing fruits & in just a few months we'll be moving up to tasty combinations like sweet potato and apple. Also, on the food horizon I will be making Elle's food. I said I was gonna do it and well damn it...I'm gonna do it! LOL

XOXO

Don't Burn the House Down Mom

2010-03-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning started off normal enough. I got up and got myself ready for church. I decided to sterilize Elle's bottles and boil the caps and that piece of the bottle that holds the nipple, you know you twist it on (forgive me for not knowing it's correct name). Any who, the microwave gets set for 8:30 and I set the oven timer for 3:00. Enter Elle crying. I decide I might as well bathe her versus just change her diaper. So we get the bathroom set up, clothes laid out and the baby gets clean & before you know it is smelling sweet (she's got Johnson & Johnson Vanilla Oatmeal baby wash and lotion) & looking like a shiny new penny. I get her dressed, barrette in hair and walk into a smoke filled living room.

UUUUUUUHHHHHH-OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, while I was attempting and mind you failing miserably at multi-tasking I was boiling the hell out of the caps and that other piece. I should have taken a picture of the pot I ruined. It was quite the sight. Smoke rising to the skylights. What a m-e-double s! So I got the burner turned off. Opened up every door and window I could and got the fan going on high. Needless to say this threw a major wrench in the whole going to church thing.

I tried to persevere and make the most of the day. At the top of the list & to be honest the only thing on the list since its such a time consuming task: laundry.
It started out easy enough. Load 1 in the wash. Elle napping. Load 1 in the dryer. Elle bright eyed and bushy tailed. Load 1 dried & ready to be folded. In an effort to actually get the laundry folded and not remain in the laundry basket all week, I put Elle in her walker (proof below)...

She looks like she's having a good time to me. How about you? Well that lasted all of 2.5 seconds before...

Yep, that's right. She was back in my arms. Such a spoiled baby! But somehow I managed to get the laundry folded (to my high standards) and eventually put away.

In the midst of tending to this I also got three of my own loads of laundry done. It's almost the end of the week and there is still stuff hanging in the bathroom and in the dryer. The important part is that it's clean & when I don't find it hanging in the closet I know that it's in the dryer. I guess it's helped that no one else has done laundry either. Thank God for the little things :)

XOXO

Let me Introduce You to: Ms. Fussy Pants

2010-03-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

Elle was in rare form when my Mom brought her up for lunch. My office was having a BBQ, the weather was supposed to be fantastic and I couldn't think of a better way to enjoy all of the above then with my Elle.

She looked normal enough upon first glance but not even ten minutes later she was a crying fussy pants. There proved to be no soothing her. We went down the check-list: change diaper. check. feed the baby. check. slap the baby upside the head. oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself...LOL! FYI-I would never actually do that it would be counter productive to calming her down :) We walked outside for some fresh air. Came back into the office, calmed down but not very long after that she was back at it and we were back outside. This time to stay though. We plopped down on the grass and enjoyed the sunshine. Before you knew it though it was time for me to get back to work and my mother was bullying me for some dessert, hahaha.

Here's how we spent our hour in picture form:

This was once Elle, I mean we decided that staying outside was the new plan.

She tricked us. This was just a few minutes before we headed back outside.

She was falling apart but still looking cute as a button.

She needed a moment to recompose herself.

Still suspicious but on board for enjoying the rest of the time we had together.

GROUP shot!

All smiles & having fun with Gram-Gram.

Me & my boo :)

Elle all buckled in & ready to head home.

XOXO

No, we're not Irish.

2010-03-25T08:16:00.001-07:00

This time last year I was thumped on the head & when I finally came to about six weeks later, I discovered I was about to be a mom. Oh...St. Patrick's Day, how you'll always have a special place in my heart. Forever :)

Prior to the aforementioned, celebrating St. Patty's Day with my bestie (Dizzy) was our long standing tradition. And although for a moment it looked as though it wasn't going to happen, it all got worked out and I was able to continue in our usual practice. Also along for the fun and good times this year was Dizzy's boyfriend.

We went to a spot that he's a regular at which lent itself to acquiring us a table. I guess you'd call it a talent show of sorts. Maybe variety hour in the hood. If I were better versed in the different parts of the city and/or paying attention I could tell you where we were but that just isn't the case. I'll go on record as saying my favorite thing about St. Patty's Day is...green beer! Not this year though. The beer was sans the stuff that makes it green :( Disappointed but definitely not defeated, I managed to still have a great night! Dizzy's birthday is the following day so there is also a good bit of celebrating tossed into the festivities. Usually at midnight we take a shot of patron and ring in another year. This go round she met and later fell victim to 1800. It's all fun and games till' isn't fun and you've lost.

Right on time we were ready to exit as the talent show was ending. On the way home Dizzy's boyfriend was in the back causing quite the commotion. He was mesmerized with the mirror that is back there. It's back there so I can see what's going on with Elle. He was looking at it, looking at me, asking if I could see him! It was nothing short of hilarious. But proved to be a pain in the ass to fix the next time I got Elle in the car. I still need Don to re-adjust it but for now we're making do I just have to strain a little more than normal to get a look at her.

We rang in another year the only way we know how!

XOXO

Babies are Bits of Stardust Blown from the Hand of God

2010-03-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

It was a day I had been looking forward to since Elle was born, her baptism! For me the day started around 5:00 am. You'd think that'd be plenty of time to dress myself & Elle, but on this particular day that just wasn't the case. Initially, the plan was to have breakfast at one of my favorite restaurants afterwards. Well at around five o' clock in the afternoon there's a change of plans and we decide it'd make more sense to just have everyone come back to the house and have breakfast. Since serving cereal is clearly out of the question that left us figuring out a menu. After much debate we decided on hash brown casseroles. They seemed easy enough and like they'd be pretty tasty & easy to re-heat the following morning. All of that basically meant GIRLS SHOPPING TRIP! Me, Elle & Auntie Sam jumped in the car and began what would be an all night shopping affair. We don't do anything in what you would call a timely fashion and besides I was with two people who just love to spend my money!

Our first stop was WalMart. For as long as we were in there you'd never think we had a list! The problem was everything that ended up in the cart that wasn't on the list. It was full of stuff before we even got to the whole reason we were there ...the food. I bought Elle a walker and this really cute v-tech puppy dog, her name is Violet and one day she is going to help Elle learn how to spell her name! How awesome?! Learning and fun go hand and hand in the Brown household! As our journey came to a close the list did come in handy because we came very, very, close to leaving WalMart without the hash browns! At that point we were what felt miles from the section they were in but we forged ahead and could finally head to the cash register knowing that everyone but Mom had something they would go on to have fun with. In Auntie Sam's case that would be some fabric to make a blanket with. A whopping $160 later we were headed for the car and our next stop. Oh yeah, you didn't think we were done, did you? After some clever maneuvering & placement of bags because space comes at a premium in my car. The stroller takes up the entire trunk, Elle rules the entire back passenger side & Sam was riding up front all of that means shop smart because your gonna have to figure out how to get everything you thought you needed in the car.

Ofcourse no celebration is complete without decorations! So we headed to Party City on a budget, I said we've got $25 and that's that. You can place your bets on whether that happened or not. By this time it was dark out, Elle had been quite the lovely lady and not had any major outbursts. But by the time I was putting the car in park baby girl was hungry! As a reward I took her out of the car seat and decided to carry her. We were on a mission to get in and get out. We grabbed a banner (which I'll address later), garland, and table cloth. We hit the plate, napkin, and cutlery aisle and after a brief weighing of our options came up with a great mix of solids and prints. Next we went to the balloon counter and after facing the realization that we weren't going to be able to fit many balloon's & Auntie Sam in the car we settled on six latex (3-pink, 3-silver) with hi-float (that keeps them up longer)and proceeded to the checkout. So how many of you think I stayed with my $25 dollar limit, hmmmm? FAIL! Thirty-five dollars later we were headed to the car and for home...FINALLY!

PS-Regarding the banner I bought: It said "Happy 1st Communion" it didn't hit me until we got home while Sam was hanging it. Happy 1st Communion...Happy 1st Communion? Damn Gina, this is NOT Communion! Ahhhh...alas, I'm just a mom please don't hold it against me :)

PPS-I actually got 7 ballons! Which ended up being a good thing when Auntie Sam accidentally popped one...lol

This is the part of the story where Auntie Sam earned her keep. Without her either not everything would not have got done or I would have been a mega biatch from exhaustion of getting it all done. She did ALL of the decorating & cooking. Me and Elle held on as long as we could but we faded fast. At midnight Sam was moving us from the couch to the bed and the smell of bacon was permeating the house, it smelled divine.

My alarm went off at 5:00 and I was up by 5:30, not too shabby! First thing I did was go to the kitchen and to my amazement found all the casseroles cooked and all I needed to do was bake the muffins! I managed to shower, bake and not burn anything. GO MOMMA! Time flew and before you knew it was 8:00. Then it was 8:30 and I was finally waking Elle up to get ready. Now in my mind I saw us (i.e. Mom, Don, Sam, Grams, Elle and I) leaving all together. That didn't happen. At 9:00 Grams said she was going to run to the store for her paper. Really? It goes without saying the old bird is all about her daily reading of the New York Times. This is when I decided at 9:15 I was leaving and either you were with me or you weren't and if you weren't and you missed my daughters baptism which you've known about for months I was going to beat you up!

At 9:15, me, Elle, Sam and Grams got in the car and headed for church which mind you started at 9:30. On the way Elle got the crazy out of her system. She cried & fussed and all I kept saying to myself was "you didn't come this far to fall apart. you can fall apart this afternoon. but right now keep it together lady." And that's exactly what I did, for my sanity and everyone else's safety. By the time we arrived Tracy was already there. Enter my sisters small fit & discomfort with having to actually sit through an entire church service. Rebecca & Candace were running late. And my mother and Don were nowhere to be found. We got compliments, we sang, we prayed, Elle cried, ate & fell asleep, Rebecca arrived, my sister calmed down, Candace arrived, and then it was showtime. Auntie Sam followed us and sat in the front row to record it all. I will say that lucky for Gram-Gram & Paw-Paw I saw them standing in the lobby, so they didn't miss it cause if they had it would have hurt me very much. After a small photo session in which everyone cooperated (including Elle!) we headed for our house.

The day was nothing short of fabulous to have my some of my best friends and family all hanging out and celebrating Elle. The food was delish (kudos to the chef), the gifts were awesome (thanks everyone) & my Elle looked beautiful (hello, I'm her Mom)!

XOXO

Mommy & Me Time

2010-03-16T13:15:00.001-07:00

This is where me and Elle spent our Saturday morning! We both woke up that morning in our clothes from the day before, it was a rough night to say the least. Elle put up a serious fight with her sleep. And rather quickly I decided my last resort was to drive her around and put her to sleep. I got her in her bunting suit & buckled into her car seat but when I turned back around to my amazement she had fallen asleep. Rather then risk waking her back up I took her out of the car seat, unzipped her bunting suit, turned off the light and went to sleep. It was pretty funny waking up in that condition but all I could do was laugh & give myself a hi-five. We SURVIVED!

We were dressed, packed and leaving the house right on schedule. I was so proud of myself. Sometimes I can't help but feel like there is no such thing as enough time. As we approached our exit I realized we had enough time to go and do a return I had at Wal-Mart. Once in line though I wasn't too confident we were actually going to be on time. There were a few people ahead of us and only one person was working. Luckily, Octavious didn't move as slow as a turtle and we were able to get the item returned & back on the road with fifteen minutes to spare.

We were actually the first ones to arrive for the 9:00am class. As I was filling out the paperwork I actually had to think twice before filling out the parent information. My first thought was to write my mother's info. LOL! Yep that's right. My first thought when I see the word "parent" is my parent. Hello, I'm someone's parent now too. I forgot to bring socks with me. To be honest I'm not a huge fan of socks and if it weren't gross and looked down upon I'd walk around barefoot. I guess that's just the hippie in me. Luckily, I was loaned a pair!

Then it was time to get the class started. We began with just warming the babies up with some stretching and singing (Oh, the singing! I'm looking forward to being cool like all the other parents when I know the words too!) Next we placed the lil' ones on a beach-like ball, nearly scaring them half to death by placing them on there bellies facing away from us and moving them back and forth. The looks on some of the other babies faces were priceless. After we got there heart rates up we proceeded to slow things down by playing with some toys. During this portion of the class the instructor, Marc came over and talked with me about how Elle is developing. She's doing a really great job keeping her head up & he gave me tip about leaning her a little forward to help her work on learning how to sit up by herself because once she's there she can sit and play by herself which would give me back both my hands to do stuff. I'm sure doing laundry with a baby in your arms sounds like a fun time and all but it gets tiring rather quickly. Then we were on to every babies favorite time: tummy time. Elle actually kicked major ass here! She kept herself raised up and just took in everything that was going on around her. While we were having fun on our tummies & playing Marc walked around and got each of the babies for some time in the swing.

When it was Elle's turn she had a blast! As you see she was definitely surprised at first but it only took her a few seconds to catch on and enjoy the ride! We finished the class with some baby massage. We focused on the back, which meant the babies were back on there tummies and not everyone made it through successfully, but...Elle DID! She just layed there with her fist in her mouth (Yes, she literally sticks her fist in her mouth and sucks on it. Everyone now and again she sticks a few fingers in there and ends up gagging, it never fails), I can't make this stuff up!

At the end of the class we ended up signing up for an 8-block of classes. I know that Elle had so much fun! It was also great to see other parents. It made me embrace the whole mother thing. As I was signing us up I spoke with some other moms & we all agreed that it gets on our nerves when people say, "I miss that stage" (Ummmm...how about I call you at 2:00am or 3:00am & say hi) or "It gets easier" (Hmmmm...everyday I wake up and realize that today isn't the day, LOL! Easy is relative).

After class we went and had lunch with Kris. It was fabulous to see her & have her meet Elle. Like everyone else she fell in love with her and thought she was very pretty. We had Mexican & margaritas. The best part of all was that Elle slept the entire car ride home and stayed that way once we finally made it home and Mom got to take a nap!

XOXO

Ninety Days of Mommyhood

2010-03-11T05:24:00.001-08:00

Our three month achievement has come and gone. To be honest without this picture the day doesn't really stand out in any sort of extra special way. The picture tells me that Elle was wearing her strawberry outfit (matching jacket & pants). I remember snapping this picture and finding it hysterical. That is definitely my Elle.

As I navigate my way through the days I believe we've come to the part where they say "hold on it's gonna be a bumpy ride." It's hard to put it all into words. There's a part of me that is having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I'm having a hard time. Wait what do you mean that I'm going to be overcome with emotion and not be able to make any sense of it. Why doesn't this make any sense? I'm crying and don't really know why. Wait, what the hell is wrong with me? It appears as though I'm in a very brutal game of hide and seek with myself. There's also the struggle with finding the right words. None of what I'm feeling at the moment is nice or pretty. Swearing has become very therapeutic. I'm looking for a more constructive outlet I'll let you know what I find.

The good news is that I know this isn't always what life is going to look or feel like...

XOXO

Underestimated & Overwhelmed

2010-03-10T18:12:00.000-08:00

Giving up is easy. I didn't do what was easy. I didn't give up.

I'd been looking forward to last weekend for weeks. Me & my Elle were going away for the weekend with the women of my church on a retreat. You could say from the beginning I was doomed. Friday sunset not packed. Midnight, hello Saturday. Still not packed & now I've acquired a sleeping baby on my chest. Enter a necessary nap. You try hanging out with an infant whose favorite pastimes include sleeping & eating. 3:30am, my bed is covered with multiple piles all of which need to be packed. I toss Elle in her crib. Not literally ofcourse that would have woke her up. Thought bubble: pack. quickly. NOW.

The sun sets & the sun rises. With t-minus three hours to departure time I had plenty to get done. Fast forward to my three hour deadline & all that's left to do is get the car packed. Sounds simple enough but in hindsight it's where I should have started...in what couldn't have been less than five trips we we're buckled in, baby einstein cd playing & GPS leading the way. Norcross or bust baby!

I tried to shake the chaos of the morning away & was determined to enjoy the weekend. We were in such a pretty place with women I who I was looking forward to getting to know, learn and grow with. In a lil' over an hour I was crying uncontrollably. I took Elle to the ladies room and in 2.5 seconds she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Panic takes over. She must be hungry but my dumbass left her bottle in the other room. Luckily, I've got my car keys & just a matter of feet away is formula, h2O & bottles. We sat outside and I fed my starving daughter. I pulled myself together, handed Elle off to very capable hands, went back to the ladies room & proceeded to fall apart. I cried like from deep down. I feel overwhelmed. I'm tired and hungry. I feel alone. I feel trapped. And this was just the beginning. This was also when I decided I wanted to leave.

There were some more tears but after some words of encouragement and support I decided to stay. I'd like to think that I'm not a quitter. That I can rise to the challenge. And this was my moment.

We ate lunch, fellowshipped, checked into our room, and had some down time before dinner. And then Elle went from calm, cool & collected to a demon baby holding me hostage. It pretty much went downhill once I got her in the carrier. Elle: 3 Mom: 0. I threw the towel in & chalked it up to another missed meal. Not my first and certainly not my last. But then there was a knock at the door & someone had come to resue me! I got Elle bundled up & we drove to dinner...woo-hoo!

Although I didn't partake in the games & fun following dinner me and Elle had some fab QT time. And at 6:00am I packed the car (in two trips. impressive. i. know.) & at 7:00am we were heading for the homefront.

XOXO

The kind words and care extended to me & Elle was beyond amazing.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Why Not Just Take Some Pictures?

2010-02-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

I can honestly say up until now there aren't too many things I put off. If something needs to get done then I do it. But it seems that when it comes to anything child support related I sort of skirt around it. I'll do this but not that and since I understand that the process isn't exactly a quick one I continue to keep giving myself a "pass" here and there. So this week I decided that I would get everything together and do what I should have weeks ago & finally get the process started.

I paid my application fee. Have all the forms filled out, printed & ready to be signed and notarized & copies made. Everything seemed in order and I was scolding myself for my dilly-dallying. There was just one last piece to puzzle to add, which was at home & has been in my possession for about two weeks, Elle's birth certificate. When I finally open the envelope there is no birth certificate to be found. Instead I see the paperwork I sent (including the envelope that I had put everything all nice and neatly in). The reason my request was denied said because I failed to include a photocopy of my identification=WRONG! That I most certainly did but what I did do was gyp the Department of Vital Records by five dollars. So instead of being at the Office of Child Support Enforcement bright and early I was fighting traffic to get to the Department of Vital Records. To keep myself from banging my head against the steering wheel I took pictures of my agonizing drive.

There was the bus that was definitely taking up more of my lane than I felt comfortable with. Leaving me no choice but to take up the next lane. Luckily, it wasn't very long before the bus turned and was off terrorizing more tiny streets of downtown.

Since I took my sweet time leaving the house I faced a painful amount of traffic. As I approached a sea of brake lights I realized this drive was not going to happen via the highway. I had to take it to the streets. Which meant one red light after another. Looking at things from a glass half full perspective I would have never been able to do any of it without my tom-tom, for that I'm thankful. Because it would have taken no time at all for me to pound the steering wheel in angst and start crying.

It was here where I was under the impression that I was close. Incorrect. What I wasn't able to get a picture of was the stop sign that I passed three times. First, as I went the wrong way; again, when I made the wrong right hand turn; then that last time as I finally made the right I was supposed to. Since I was clear to go I thought I not piss off everyone behind me.

Finally, almost an hour and a half later...I arrived. I circled the parking lot twice before deciding that I had to park in the "employee" parking lot. All of the public parking was taken and something told me that parking in a spot of a staff member would get me towed pretty quickly. I know if I had the honor of having a spot of my own, marked "Admin. Asst." I would certainly have the tow company on speed dial.

If you think the fun stopped there rest assured it didn't. Upon walking in I had to fill out a form and wait for someone to come to the window and fulfill my request. I couldn't have been more frustrated looking through this big (gl)ass window and watching every person look at me and then not go back to work but go back to the conversation they were having. It's called customer service ladies! Not too terribly long after ringing the bell someone appeared and just minutes later I had Elle's birth certificate.

A five dollar mistake cost me all of this. XOXO

A Day with the Girls

2010-02-08T12:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my mom & Elle. Before I get to that though I made a fabulous new purchase in the form of a travel system. After church I decided to swing by Babies "R" Us for bottles and a travel wipes holder. On my way through the store we perused the clothes section. Let me tell you how much I'm looking forward to warm weather. Dresses, sandals and outfits that won't be hidden in the name of keeping the baby warm. I came very close to buying a bathing suit. It took a lot of will power not to but in the end I don't want to end up with a suit too small or too big. So I'll continue to wait impatiently. Then I spotted it...the stroller we just had to have & I know it was meant to be because it was the last one! I found someone to take it up front for us and finished up my shopping. The even better news is that Babies "R" Us has a program where you can trade in your old stroller, car seat, etc. & they give you 25% off towards the purchase of a new one. So my ridiculously expensive stroller became only expensive. The ladies there were really great and helped me get the car seat and base out of the box and helped me get everything to the car. I even assisted Don in putting it together. I wasn't exactly "hands on" per se but I read the directions to him so that's got to count for something :)

Of course, the very next thing I wanted to do was get us out there and enjoy the stroller. So me, Elle & my mom went and ran some errands together. The new car seat I learned is a giant pain in the arse! I took me adjusting Elle three times before she was in it comfortably, I've got one fancy piece of equipment on my hands. I literally worked up a sweat and she wasn't exactly thrilled with me and all the commotion I was bringing into her life. Let me also note that getting this behemoth of a stroller in the trunk takes some muscle & also commandeers the trunk in its entirety. Our first stop was the dollar store for goodies to send the kids in our family. Now I thought we were just going in there for some Valentine's Day knick-knacks. I was being naive though it's never that simple when it comes to my mother. We're standing in the toy section and within 2.5 seconds I'm over it. She's got two baskets, picks up and puts down the same coloring books, and on top of all of that knocks down just about every suggestion I make. The final straw was when she was going to follow me to some other toys around the corner and after standing there for five minutes it's evident she didn't follow me. I go on a man hunt for her and find her going through, you guessed it, more coloring books in a different section. ARRRRRGH! My mother knew I was anything but happy with her & pulled out her "I'm done" card. No lady, if you've still got things to get then you ain't done...lol! Somehow we did make it to the checkout and out of the Dollar Tree.

Our next stop was Target. And like usual I go in there with what I want in mind and leave with what I didn't even know I need. I got Elle a new toy, talked out of buying yet another outfit for her (don't tell me that you don't have a hard time saying no to clearance!), some baby einstein cd's, a snuggie for mommy and a Princess & the Frog cookbook. I also decided as I was pulled over and feeding a hungry Elle that the Princess & the Frog would be the theme for her first birthday party & I'm going to use the recipes and put on a fabulous lunch. I get happy just thinking about it :)

The night ended with with me, Elle, mom & grams watching the Superbowl. I was actually in the kitchen for most of the first half cooking. I impressed everyone with my multi-tasking skills! I fried chicken, baked brownies & sterilized Elle's bottles. All without starting a fire or burning anything...lol! It actually made me look forward to having a family of my own.

It was a fabulous day. I need more like it. XOXO

PS-When it comes to my mother's skills with a digital camera saying she leaves much to be desired is an understatement, LOL! The woman will accidentally turn the camera off instead of take the picture because she hit the wrong button. But inspite of that she took some fabulous shots of Elle :)

Operation Graco

2010-02-02T05:33:00.000-08:00

Last night marked day one in the battle of getting Elle to sleep in her crib. The crib I initially wanted to be espresso, the same one I happened to find on sale & yes the one that I had bought sheets for well before the crib itself was even purchased. I have this joke that since it's a 3-in-1 I won't be buying Elle a bed until her toes are hanging off of it. Funny, I know. But far from true if the girl is going to spend her formative years in the bed with me.

At 8:05 when I thought it was safe I ever so slowly got up from my bed and ever so softly placed my sleeping angel in her crib, come 8:06 that sleeping angel I was just talking about was no longer sleeping...LOL! I got up four times and thirty minutes passed before she was right back where she wanted to be, in my arms on the bed that she's decided she'd like to call her own. The one thing she wasn't ready for was back up. [Enter open bedroom door Gram-Gram] Who ever so graciously took my side & joined the battle. 9:38, Gram-Gram is putting Elle in her crib and as I dread the coming of 9:39, nothing. Silence. (Insert small victory & accompanying dance)

The good news: we made it through the night
The bad news: she woke up every two hours like clockwork
More good news: when she fell back asleep she was placed back in her crib
More bad news: on time number four she got a small victory in the form of spending an hour sound asleep in my arms
Terrific news: she fell back to sleep and mom was able to blow dry and straighten her hair
Poignant news: this is only the beginning

The final time I put her back in there. That put's us at five, but who's counting? Victory will be sweet but the road to get there is another story.

Elle spent about twenty minutes awake laying just enjoying her mobile :)

XOXO

Sixty Days of Mommyhood

2010-01-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

Cue the trumpets....my Elle is two months old today! The love continues to flow and I can't tell you how happy it makes me to look at the picture I have framed of the two of us on my desk. As I settle into my routine of work and school I'm that much more appreciative of our time together. I guess it would be helpful to remember this when it's saturday afternoon and I'm bored out of my brains. There's only so much you can do with an infant and as much as I love our heart to hearts she's more of a listener. Which brings me to the coo'ing she's started to do. It's absolutely adorable which isn't saying much since I feel that way about everything she does, with the one exception of poopy diapers. How could something so sweet make something so foul? My fingers are crossed daily that I'll miss it, being gone eight hours of the day does increase my odds rather nicely :)

There is one person who without this experience would be very different. She's my mom and Elle's Gram-Gram. I can't deny that the woman drives me mad (which she's well aware of) but she also gives so much of herself to the both of us. She takes care of Elle during the day thus eliminating daycare. I literally rouse her about everything. From "threats" of docking her pay if she's late in the morning to takeover to the weekly meeting me and Elle are going to have about how she feels things are going (she being Elle...LOL). It really does come from a good place. We're both able to laugh at the ridiculousness that is...Vanessa. I realized recently that I don't tell her enough how thankful I am for her. Because of her my social life has remained in tact. Because of her my daughter gets fabulous care and priceless time with her Gram-Gram. Because of her I'm able to be the mom (and person) that I am today. It goes without saying I love you Mom!

We're finding our groove. There is so much I'm looking forward to this year and having Elle here to be a part of it all means I'll never run out of batteries for the camera!

XOXO

Hush Lil' Baby Don't You Cry

2010-01-25T11:21:00.000-08:00

Cry (verb): weep and to make sad sounds. Synonym's include: bawl. blubber. boohoo. breakdown. burst into tears. choke up. complain. fret. howl. lament. let it all out. sob. turn on the waterworks. wail. yowl.

Last night was the worst I've experienced in the past fifty-seven days. Yes, I counted. I sit here tired. Wait exhausted. No even that doesn't do justice how it is I'm feeling. Depleted. Yeah there we go. I considered calling out of work this morning but then realized that peace and quite was waiting for me there. As a reward for not falling asleep and drooling all over the keyboard I took a nap. Fifty-five minutes of glorious, uninterrupted, sound, not exactly deep but deep enough z's.

My beautiful little of bundle of joy has a strong set of lungs. How one could not only cry for that long but at that level of intensity is beyond me. Of course she didn't cry herself to sleep. I'm starting to think that's just a myth because Elle is a bonafide master of crying just enough not to exhaust herself. The way her bottom lip curls under is absolutely adorable. And lucky for me after so long I'm able to not even hear it but every so often check back in to see if she's in need of a new diaper or decided that she is ready to eat. At ten o' clock I turned the light out, turned the volume up on the womb bear (who by the way I think really needs a name...hmmm?) and watched Oz. Random Vanessa Fact: I really like shows with a crime, investigative, prison theme. Such as: The First 48. 20/20 on WE. Gangland. It was around 11:30 when she finally went down for the count. There were a few times when I thought she had given in earlier but she was just plotting against me, with her eyes closed and that pretty lil' smile. As soon as I let my guard down she was back at it, crying inconsolably. And if you think that's where this persecution stopped you are sadly mistaken. She slept in two-hour chunks with a forty-five minute turn around (i.e. time spent getting her back to sleep).

At five a.m. I declared Elle the winner. The lights and television came on. Something was different though she wasn't bursting into tears and sending me to the brink of shedding my own. She was awake, taking in her surroundings (like she always does) and being the lovely lady I've spent the past fifty-seven days getting to know. I can't tell you how happy I was to see her for a second I thought I was going to have to find my receipt for a return and refund :) I wouldn't trade her for the world! Besides soon enough it'll be my turn to drive her mad. Until then...

XOXO

The best way to put it is like this...

2010-01-20T05:29:00.000-08:00

I feel like my life and my person are under a magnifying glass. Having only been going at this mom thing for almost two months now saying that I'll just adjust is a gross understatement. My entire world and being as I knew isn't there anymore. Life now revolves around a beautiful little girl.

I've got the smiling, nodding & thank-yous down. I accept that it takes several trips to get the car packed. That even when I think I've given myself enough time to get us ready, I haven't and we're inevitably running late. Sometimes I struggle to open up the stroller and I think I look incapable. I am OCD when it comes to just about everything ranging from how her clothes are folded to her wardrobe, yes as insignificant as it sounds I expect her socks to match. At three a.m. it inescapably hits me that I'm alone, its just me & holy shit I'm a Mom! Did I know this is how it was going to be, well sure from the very beginning but living it day-to-day is something completely different. It's taxing emotionally. I'm still letting go of the person I was. It's difficult. I realize how content I was with that Vanessa. The size 12, blonde, party girl. Today I'm a far cry from all of that. I don't fit any of my clothes, I'm back to my natural hair color & I can't leave a store without a new outfit for Elle. Time has a new value. Doing this means that doesn't get done. I feel like everyone is living life and mine has stopped. Sometimes I feel like I'm in quick sand being pulled down by the choices I made or it's as if years have passed and I don't recognize anyone or anything around me.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

I always wanted to be a mom. XOXO

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

2010-01-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

For six glorious weeks I was a stay at home mom. It was undeniably a fabulous time that allowed me to enjoy my daughter in a very special way. I've also decided that it's the way I was intended to live life: at home. Rising with the sun. Watching Play House Disney (which consists of Handy Manny a personal favorite, Imagination Movers, Jungle Junction & Mickey's Playhouse). Giving baths. Making bottles. Afternoon naps. TV time with Tyra & Oprah. Dinner. Laundry. Play dates. Need I even note doing all the aforementioned with hair and make-up done.

I was determined to make the most of our last week so we made our rounds and spent time with everyone who our lives wouldn't be the same without. I used Monday as a planning day and got our week mapped out.

I had a dinner date with Shanda. We met at my favorite restaurant Lenox Square Grill. We did some long overdue catching up, the last time I saw her was right before I had Elle which was Thanksgiving! And best of all she treated me :)

We went to Rebecca's for dinner. She made us chicken tortilla soup and for desert apple pie and ice cream. She mis-read the box and thought it was only going to take 15 minutes it actually took around 45 min. or so, but it was definitely worth the wait. When I'm at home and Elle's up I usually have the TV on disney or nickelodeon. It's true that the majority of the time she couldn't be less interested and is usually trying to figure out where I am and then stare me down until I pick her up. The three of us enjoyed Curious George, who I appreciate is a real monkey & communicates in genuine monkey grunts and coo's. Then we got pulled into the disney channel and noted that Zack & Cody from A Suite Life on Deck were looking older and "healthier" (anyone else remember there very chubby stage?). Followed by the Wizards of Waverly Place. All the while being pulled into a commercial they played every break about a new movie that was debuting over the weekend. We were in agreement if we were fifteen years younger we would have definitely been swooning over the cute boys who made up the more important part of the cast...lol! On a side note, later on that weekend when I was flipping through the TV guide I remembered the movie was coming on and auto-tuned it. Sadly, I was fast asleep before it came on at 8 o'clock...lol!

(Gymboree welcomed us with Elle & Kira's name on the chalkboard, Me & Elle, Kira & Elle)

Elle & I had our first play date with my girlfriend Kyi and her daughter Kira. We did a free class at Gymboree. Actually "free" was a $10 donation to St. Jude's. I wasn't sure if Elle was going to join us or not being that she was in the midst of some very good sleep. But after a lil' finagling she was up and partaking in the festivities. We sang songs, layed on our tummies, became one with our five senses and found the time to eat & get changed. We kept the good times rolling with lunch at Chick-fil-A! It was a sight to be seen. I could have never pictured me and Kyi together with kids. But I'm so glad to have another person who is going through the same things I am, understands and keeps me laughing along the way.

We did lunch with Tracy at PF Changs. I had never been there before and was not disappointed. It was not only really good food it was super inexpensive between the two us it was only $23?! It had snowed the night before so the roads were icy and everyone lost there damn mind, because that makes a whole lot of sense. You say the word "snow" in Georgia and you better start rationing bread & water. We drove slow and safe and made it in one piece. Since we were just right next door we went to the mall as well. I bought Elle some very cute sweat pants from H&M, they were only $5! I also treated myself to some bronzer that I love from bath and body works. Yes, I bronze and use self-tanner. I want that J-Low glow! Since it was on clearance I bought two and after raving about it Tracy bought two too! I also went scoping ear jewelry (i.e. earrings) for Elle. She's not old enough yet but as soon as she is we're getting those ears pierced. The piercing pagoda actually had a really great selection...I can't wait!

We rounded out our weekend going to a meetup group I joined so that we could both make some new friends. It wasn't too far from my house and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to get out there and start socializing. My GPS that I love so much wasn't able to find the address to where we were going. Luckily, my handy dandy i-phone got us there with no problem. Once we're there I'm introducing myself and Elle and exchanging pleasantries. Elle starts to stir and I realize it's time to eat. I go to where I ALWAYS put her bottles and....DUN-DUN-DUN, I forgot the damn bottles. It took everything I had not to fall apart and burst into tears. But that was how the old Vanessa would have reacted the new Mom Vanessa remains cool, calm and collected while figuring out a solution. Actually to be honest I was appearing to keep it together while freaking out on the inside. The only thing I could do was go buy some formula. The nearest store was Target so that's where we headed. I made a mad dash to the baby section and of course they didn't have the particular kind Elle eats but they had the brand. So I made an executive decision to not switch brands, in fear that she'd hate me and just got a different type. As I was walking to the register it dawns on me that I need a bottle. I walk all the way back to the section I was at and proceed to walk in circles looking for a damn bottle. Eventually, I give up and search for some assistance and am directed to where the bottles are. Which on a normal day I would have been able to figure out but given my panic stricken state it just wasn't happening. Before heading for the check-out a second time I cruise by the purse section and find something I really like on clearance, mom's gonna treat herself! On the way to heading back to the meetup we have to stop and get gas=taking. up. more. time. But the last thing I wanna do is run out of gas with Elle, so we do what we must do. Once we're back I get some words of encouragement. No, I'm not the worst mother in the world. Yes, I'm going to forget stuff. Elle eats while I get to know the ladies and have a muffin. Which by the way I baked fresh that morning. I didn't want to come empty handed and apparently impressed everyone. Not so impressive the whole forgetting the formula but no one held it against me. WHEW :)

Last but certainly not least we spent the following afternoon with my bestie Dizzy. Me and Elle went over to her place following church to meet for lunch. We had some time to burn so after a quick diaper change we were in the car and headed to Target. I picked Elle up some new stuff a couple onesies, jacket and the cutest pair of leg warmers! We ate lunch at a very cute japanese spot, hibachi and all. It was another delicious meal as well as entertaining. Everyone was really personable and I am looking forward to going back, for Dizzy's birthday dinner (in March...lol). We spent our time catching up on lost time. I'm happy that she's not only back in my life but able to be a part of Ellie's (her nickname of choice).

XOXO

Thirty Days of Mommyhood

2010-01-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

On the 28th I'd been a mom for a whole month. Woo-hoo! Not a significant milestone but a milestone nonetheless. It's amazing how much I've experienced in just a mere thirty days...

I absolutely love my daughter! She makes me incredibly happy which helps when I'm covered in urine and spit up. I'm happy to report that it doesn't even phase me now. All it means is it's time to put on a new shirt and decide whether or not her outfit is salvageable. You'd think I'd do a better job about using a burp cloth but I'm not and I'm okay with it. Lucky for me I like to do laundry and find folding laundry therapeutic. And even though I've heard several times that the day is going to come when I won't be anal-retentive about how her clothes are folded, I think they're wrong. Mothering is very hard work. Rewarding. But hard. When it's three o'clock in the morning and I'm walking to the kitchen to make a bottle & all I can think is "please let her fall back to sleep smoothly". Hard. When I've got a naked baby pooping. Hard (and gross). One morning as I was getting ready to bathe her she started her BM for the day and I gagged my way through it, start to finish. Luckily, Gram-Gram was there to serve as back-up. When she's crying and there's no soothing her. Hard. But when that smile appears on her face it's priceless. When she goes smoothly from falling asleep on me to being put in her crib, score! When I can get her changed or fed before the tears start...time for a celebratory dance. The morning I made a bottle sans the formula & didn't realize it until I was shaking the bottle, hilarious! My ability to do everything from opening doors to putting on make-up with one hand, impressive. She has a wardrobe she doesn't quite fit yet. She's outgrown her newborn onesies but after trial and error I realize that she still needs newborn sized clothes. I'm kooky about her hair. I expect her outfits to match, socks and all. If you couldn't tell I'm one of "those moms" and I embrace every bit of it.

Nipples Were Meant to Hurt
I decided early on I was going to breastfeed. It's best for both baby and mom. I heard how it hurts but it's one of those things you have to live to truly understand. I can say now however I get it. It's an intense commitment and after eighteen days I threw in the breast pump! In just a matter of days I had my Elle successfully on formula and after a recommendation from her pediatrician I found one the she could eat and digest minus the sour faces and looks like I was trying to murder her. I can look back on those days fondly. It really is this amazing bonding experience but mom wants her boobs back...lol.

Estrogen is Powerful
The range of emotions I felt ran the gambit. Everything from genuine happiness and fulfillment to overwhelming frustration and anger. I can say that first week or so home I really didn't want to let anyone else hold her. I was completely content with it just being the two of us. Everyone was welcomed to look from afar but that was it. After a blowout and some tears I can say that I've successfully moved through that portion of the emotional roller coaster, here's to whatever comes next!

XOXO

PS-Merry Christmas & Happy New Year from the two of us!

Hello World....Here we Are!

2009-12-23T12:31:00.000-08:00

The day following our departure from the hospital was filled with appointments and tests for Elle & tears and frustration for myself....

We had to be a Northside Outpatient bright and early. Elle was born with jaundice & spent the four days of our hospital stay doing phototherapy to address it. By the end of our stay her level was low enough for her to go home, sans the phototherapy bed which FYI the hospital was going to send us home with if need be. Luckily, that wasn't necessary. But we had to make sure that her progress was still moving in the right direction hence our visit back to Northside. When we arrived my sweet girl was sound asleep and bundled up which made me uneasy when it came time to peel off the layers so that her little foot could get pricked. But to my surprise she didn't cry at all! I was such a proud mama :)

Before I lead you to believe that I was cool, calm and collected let me be honest. I cried in the waiting room. First, I was in a lot of pain. I hadn't gotten my prescriptions filled yet and the meds I had taken before leaving the hospital had worn off. Every step, breath & cough was extremely painful enough to cause tears on there own but let's not forget to factor in my emotional state. I didn't like not being able to drive, I couldn't carry Elle in the car seat because it was way to heavy, and I was walking like a eighty year old lady. Que the waterworks! But after I expressed that to my mom and Don I felt A LOT better and was able to move through the rest of the day with no problem. After the hospital we went and had breakfast. This is what my babygirl spent the day looking like...quiet and peaceful.

Our next appointment was with the pediatrician. I spent the visit taking pictures of everything from her head being measured to her being weighed. One of my favorite moments was when Elle made a bowel movement as we waited for the doctor. Just when we thought she was done, she wasn't! As my mom was telling me to put down the camera and get some wipes and a new pad I kept clicking away. Since you probably don't want to see it I'll spare you. Guess it's just one of the things only a mother can appreciate. Our pediatrican is absolutely fabulous! I met her over the summer and knew right away that she was a perfect fit for us.

Here she is with my Elle :)

Our final stop of the day was at Wal-Mart which meant time to get mom some much needed medicine! I was in so much pain that there was no way I could walk around so my mom pushed me around in a wheelchair...gotta love moms!

XOXO

November 28th, 8:45pm

2009-12-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

When I left the doctor's office on Wednesday (11/24) this is what I knew: my dr. talked to the nurse about her inappropriate-ness & apologized, he was impressed with the e-mail I sent him and didn't think the title "Receptionist" was doing me any justice (LOVES IT! PS-one day I will be "Office Manager") BUT most importantly I could go into labor ANY day.

Thanksgiving came and went. It was a really good day. Just me, mom, don & grams. Lots of good food, delicious apple cobbler and a ton of rest.

Saturday marked a very important day for my Georgia Bulldogs, we were scheduled to play Tech at 8:00. Nothing better then a good ol' in-state rivalry and a prime-time time slot. I did manage to get some cleaning and organizing in even though it was more like doing stuff for five or ten minutes then laying down for a half-hour. Not exactly productivity at its finest but it's all I had to give.

Telling this story in hindsight comes with pros & cons. On one hand I can close my eyes and remember it like it was yesterday but not being able to do this in the moment makes me feel like I'm bound to leave something out. But here goes nothing...

Contractions hurt! Hurt doesn't really do the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life quite the justice it deserves. So just to make sure I'm being clear here are some synonyms of the word hurt: aggrieved, agonized, busted up, impaired, in pain, suffering, unhappy, etc., etc., so on and so forth. Looking back on conversations I had about pregnancy and birth the topic of contractions was very conveniently skipped. I. Understand. I think I've done as good as job as I could in conveying this to my girlfriends because as the days past it's honestly becoming more of a distant memory. Here's to forgetting and at the same time remembering all that pain brings life into the world. All I can say is I'm honored to be following in the path of the women before me...lol.
When the first contraction hit I knew it meant get the hell up and get to the hospital. Here's the thing though, I looked an utter mess & my hospital bag was only half packed. Ironically, what was in the bag had been put there the night before. So when I thought it was safe I got up, changed my outfit, fixed my hair, spruced up my face and made it next door to where my parents were all before the next contraction hit. I sat at the top of the stairs and called my doctor. Contraction. I moved to the couch and through another contraction spoke with the advice nurse who ultimately said, "Ma'am call your doctor and go to the hospital." In the car and exiting the subdivision I heard from my doctor. Insert relief. The ride to the hospital can at best be described as hilarious. I sent some texts and did manage to talk on the phone twice. My mom and grams had a conversation about a thrift store my grams had went to earlier in the day. It was in buckhead and definitely on the nicer side of thrift establishments. Grams said they had nice coats/jackets for five or six bucks and my mom asks if that included furs. All I could do was laugh. Really mom? Grams busts out with if that were the case she would have bought one. Finally...driving down 285. In all I had three contractions. Yelling, crying, gripping the side of the seat for dear life, breathing and this on repeat in my head..."it's your first baby. this is going to take some time." Please say it ain't so.
The hospital tour paid off as we sped up to the Labor and Delivery entrance. Turned on the hazards. I opened the car door, stood up and quickly realized I needed to sit back down and wait for the wheelchair patiently. As I'm rolled up to the check-in desk, contraction, tears, and the filling out of paperwork. Just a few minutes go by and I've got my room assignment and me and my mom are in route. I get my instructions to disrobe & soon have two very constricting and uncomfortable straps around my stomach monitoring mine and Elle's vitals. Now when the contractions hit there is a machine that shows it beginning and ending. Comforting huh? I'm laying on my side crying. Everyone is telling me to breathe through the contractions but that's easier said then done. I felt helpless against the pain. All I could think of was how much more of this I was in store for because all that pain had only lead me to being dilated one centimeter.

Only nine more to go...or so I thought. Our vitals would be normal and then all of sudden not. Normal. Not. After playing the "roll to your other side" game it became clear that there was a chance I wouldn't be delivering my daughter as planned. Because in what felt like a matter of only minutes it went from "you could end up having a cesarean" to "you're having a cesarean." Enter epidural. Contraction. I squeezed the nurses hand as she very nicely in a whisper told me that I couldn't move and sacrificed her hand to help me through two painful experiences happening simultaneously. I could only take one person in the operating room with me. Although my first choice my mother when she returned to the room after updating everyone waiting in the lobby she asked how I felt about my sister being with me instead. And that was that. She was right there with me as my Elle came into the world.

Meet the Brown's! This was mine & Elle's first picture together :)

I'm a MOM! XOXO

Acceptance...

2009-11-24T12:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to dinner with a friend in what could best be described as a step towards reconciliation. Our time was filled with catching up, discussing Elle & briefly addressing how we were going to move forward with one another. When all was said and done I was left taking a hard and honest look at the person that I am.

As my pregnancy nears the end and with delivery in the horizon I've come to accept and embrace all the qualities that make me who I am. The: good. bad. ugly. crazy. emotional. sensitive (and insensitive). judgemental. competitive. perfectionist. I have issues when it comes to communication. Sometimes I think before I speak to a fault and don't end up saying what I mean how I mean to. I avoid confrontation at all costs and have learned that there really is no way to. Sometimes the only option left is to just argue it out. The old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" couldn't be more flawed. Words hurt. More than I even realized they were capable of. Forgetting is just as hard as forgiving.

ac⋅cept⋅ance/[ak-sep-tuhns]:

1.The act or process of accepting.
2.The state of being accepted or acceptable.
3.Favorable reception; approval.
4.Belief in something; agreement.

fifteen days to go! XOXO

One Flaw in Women...

2009-11-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

Women have strengths that amaze men...
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN...

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

I just read this and couldn't help but share it! XOXO

That's Just my Baby-Daddy

2009-11-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

My morning started off well enough. Only mildy irritated by my mother. Took my usual exit off the highway to bypass traffic. Treated myself to Chick-fil-A & even decided to walk-in because the drive-thru line was ridiculous. Surprise...there was no one inside so in just a matter of minutes I had my chicken biscuit and was back on the road heading to the dr's office. I had cash on me today & got to park in the deck (FYI-last week no such luck. I had to park across the street where they take debit cards. Lesson. Learned.)

Soon enough I've grabbed a magazine (Working Mother. Never read it before. Pretty interesting. Think I'm gonna start a subscription.), my presence has been noted by the dr's assistant who is being quite chatty with me. This is out of the ordinary for her but after some small talk I'm left reading and listening to Steve & Vicki. When I'm finally called back for the customary weigh-in & urine sample the dr's assistant (whose name I should know but don't because she's not my fave) starts to ask me some "questions." I feel the quotation marks are necessary because it doesn't take long to realize that she's just being nosy. I guess it's naïve on my part to think that after nine months of showing up to these appointments alone, inquiring minds wouldn't be just a wee bit curious...right? BUT...it's none of her business! Last I checked she was there to weigh me, do whatever it is she does with my urine sample, & stand in the room with my dr. as he conducts the appointment. I didn't just mention be a nosy rosy, now did I?
Her first question seemed normal enough. She wanted to know who was going to be in the delivery room. I told her my mom, dad, sister (who I'm still not speaking with at the moment & could possibly not actually be there) & my best friend. Her response...your dad? Yes. Did I stutter? My father. Who I have asked to cut the umbilical cord. She follows up by asking me if the father knows. I'm standing there dumbfounded. Thinking to myself did she really just ask me that. Wait. I think she did. I said excuse me? Took a deep breath and remained composed because after all I haven't come this far to have just anybody deliver my daughter. I told her as a matter of fact he did and added (you didn't think that was it...did you? lol) that I strongly doubted I'm the first woman to walk into there office without "the father" & I strongly doubt I'm the last. As for the rest of the appointment, it went along as normal. I took a nap while I waited, got my blood pressure checked, heard Elle's heartbeat, cervix checked, and had the instructions of when I'm supposed to call reiterated. See you next Wednesday!

I've been playing this back to myself all morning and feeling judged...sucks. The life we are living and creating for ourselves is all about choices. Clearly the one's I made that resulted in getting pregnant are well rather obvious. If you've read any of my past posts then the choice DaddyWarBucks made is crystal clear as well, although not final in any respect for the time being it is what it is. I'm choosing to have a happy & healthy pregnancy since I want a happy & healthy Elle. And when I put my hurt feelings aside I'm not ashamed or disappointed in Vanessa (FYI-I'm a sucker for 3rd person...lol). I could very well be giving birth to the next Tyra Banks, you can thank me later :)

nineteen days to go! XOXO

He's Just Not That into You, but...

2009-11-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

I just read this article: http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#1IT0xw/www.momlogic.com/2009/11/i_think_he_likes_my_kid_more_than_me.php/

It wasn't a scenario I had run through my head prior to reading but I guess anything really is possible. It made me laugh! Remember that episode of Will & Grace, when Will is dating this guy he really isn't that into but is totally in love with the dog? So he ends up sticking around a lil' longer.

Like the old & over-used saying goes: He's Just Not That into You (but your kid is a totally different story....lol)

still at twenty-three days & counting. XOXO

Hormones. I mean Honey.

2009-11-16T07:33:00.001-08:00

Someone said this to me recently and I found it both hilarious and honest. The truth of the matter is I couldn't be more hormonal if I tried....

Here's the thing I've decided that it's not my doing. These moments arise and bring out the hellion in me.

There was Wal-Mart. First, I pose a question: Is there proper etiquette for the self-check-out lines? I happen to believe there is. When all the stations are being used you form a "general admission line" (i.e. you stand sort of centered between the two sides. one behind another.) and when the check-out station becomes available you approach, check-out, pay and then it becomes someone else's turn. Simple enough...right? Hmmmm...not so much for this man I'm going to refer to as Baldy. Well, Baldy didn't see things the way I just presented them. His take on it was line up behind the person checking out and call your dibs from the very beginning. I was in line behind another gentleman who asked him what he was doing & explained what proper etiquette consists of. Baldy said that if he'd like he could just go ahead of him but that he wasn't going to do it that way. [Enter Vanessa from behind] Are you serious? You've got to be kidding me? Could you be more rude! After sizing me up and realizing that I was just some loud pregnant lady he scoffed & turned around. If I could have I would have kicked him, right at the knee from behind and enjoyed his slow & ultimately painful descent to the ground. No. Such. Luck.
Upon exiting and making the trek back to my car there was a car starting to reverse out of there parking spot. Clearly, they saw me because they stopped...for a moment that is and proceed to continue to pull out of there spot. I in turn stood there: hand on hip very matter of factly expressing to them my disgust for lack of the respect for pedistrians...i.e. me. In my mind I pictured myself doing the Karate Kid jump this time on the trunk & not the hood as in the movie. I'm not sure what I would have done after that. I didn't get that far in my montage...LOL! I definitely would have kicked some butt though.

Then there was my mother. She kept me waiting for an hour and fifteen minutes! I had a plan to get the furniture moved around and be in front of the t.v. watching kickoff at 7:00. That. Didn't. Happen. When I do finally hear from her she doesn't even address the fact that I've been waiting all this time for her. This is where I turn into a sobbing mess. And after using my fine tuned scare-tactics I'm left in my house alone struggling to just push my nightstand out of the way. Enter more tears. Just seconds later I SOS for help, talk to my mom, get the furniture moved & watch Georgia win. Kinda like a half-hour episode of Full House...huh?! LOL.

Moral of the Story: To know me is to love me :)

twenty-three days to go! XOXO

In Honor of Elle

2009-11-12T12:23:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start by saying that I'm extremely loved and blessed to have the family, friends, and support that I do. This whole bringing life into the world thing is full of ups and downs; and, not having the person you enjoyed those ten minutes with by your side through the tears, cravings and exhaustion...sucks. That being said, on with the celebrating!

I was fortunate enough to have two amazing baby showers. The first put together by the wonderful and generous women of my church. I asked for a diapers & wipes shower after reading about one online. I thought it'd be a great way to start gathering some essentials. Yes, Elle is going to be beautiful & dressed impeccably but she'll be spending most of her time pooping, drooling and crying. I was literally brought to tears when I walked in. It was so much more than I had anticipated it being. To have women that didn't know me give with such open hearts was overwhelming. The cake was adorable, the food was delish, the gifts just kept coming & the conversation was priceless. It was a fabulous time! Boxes of diapers, wipes, diaper rash ointment (which we later joked shouldn't be needed with all the diapers and wipes I received, LOL), some very cute outfits, gift cards & a diaper bag to die for! My car was even loaded for me and when all was said & done I car full of goodies. The most special gift of all was a journal that was passed around throughout the shower and filled with scriptures & thoughts of encouragement. After all this how could I possibly doubt that God doesn't have a plan for me?

(The awesome cake & equally awesome Melanie who put everything together!)

My second shower was thrown by Elle's Godmothers, Rebecca & Tracy. It was a fabulous afternoon filled with delicous food (courtesy of the Flying Biscuit...yummers!), a beautiful cake (courtsey of Michelle), games, gifts and most special my girlfriends. Some of who I hadn't seen in ages! It was great to have the chance to catch up & visit with them. It was also nice to introduce the new additions of my life to the older ones. One of my close girlfriends just had a baby and she brought her along for the fun too! It was great and equally hilarious to see her in action. It was priceless watching her hold a bottle with her elbow and use her other free hand to eat a piece of turkey bacon. Oh, what I have to look forward too :) On an even funnier note when we finally got home my Grams got out the car holding two ballons. Something told me to take them from her but when nature calls as a pregnant lady you better hurry up and answer or suffer the embrassing consequences. When I walked out to the living room Grams only had one ballon. I walked outside and my mom looked at me and just started laughing. She saw everything. I wish I had. She ended up letting the one I really liked loose. Guess I'll always have my memories....

(Me, Mom & Grams; My favorite picture from the shower; The beautiful & delish cake.)

twenty-seven days to go! XOXO

Reality Check-Time

2009-11-10T12:04:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I FINALLY went on the hospital tour. Prior to this I had registered three times and each time for either this reason or the other I never made it. When it comes to me it's always something. And it wasn't until the most recent time I missed it that I actually read the confirmation letter they sent. It contained words both using underlined and bold font, and very plainly stated that if you are late and the tour has started....you are not welcome to partake in the festivities. That's why this time I vowed it would be different. With a party of five it was essential that everyone know that I would leave without them if they were not at the car at the designated time. Harsh but ultimately necessary.

The tour didn't start till' noon (previous attempts I had signed up for the 9:00 am departure); we left at 10:30 arrived a mere thirty or so minutes later, parked the car and decided to burn our minutes eating lunch at the Mickey D's located on the second floor cafeteria. Which I have to say had some of the slowest service I had ever experienced in fast-food dining. It was painful to watch. But in no time at all we were wrapping up & heading back to the atrium to start the tour.

Being that I travel with an entourage we were on the family tour which meant there was a good chance there would be some children involved. Luckily, it was too bad. It was us (me, mom, don, grams & sam), a couple, and a family consisting of mom, dad and two sons (both around nine and ten and boy were they a handful....LOL). After exchanging pleasantries we were walked through what will happen when we arrive on D-day. Rather fitting...huh? D-day=delivery day...LOL. Work with me :) Our guide showed us where we walk & sign-in at. The labor and delivery room (LDR) where the main event takes place. It was so surreal to be sitting in the very room I'll be bringing my baby girl into the world in. Writing about it now starts the water works. I'm so happy to have the end in sight and be so close to meeting her. Meanwhile, the husband who made up the other half of the couple on the tour asked lots of questions that I found comic relief in. Such as:

(1) Is there a doctor on call? Here's the thing. You call your doctor and they call the hospital. I guess that part went right over his head, LOL! FYI-In cases where the mom hasn't gotten pre-natal care & doesn't have her own doctor they use the one on-call. I know I haven't come this far with my doctor to not have him be the one to deliever my Elle.

(2) Are there times where there are more women then beds available? I think he was getting freaked out with the numbers our guide was throwing out there. But I swear he asked if they would just leave his wife in the hallway on a gurney. Really dude? You're at Northside. There is a reason so many women choose to have there babies there. And I'm pretty sure that being left in the hallway isn't one of em'. Our guide assured him that they wouldn't park his wife in the hallway & that there are times when occupancy is higher than capacity allots; but, he had no reason to worry or work himself up. Everything would be taken care of accordingly.

Next, we headed upstairs to what they've termed "family (something or other) pods." We saw the nursery, where you can send your baby to whenever you'd like. We saw what the rooms look like. And finished up in front of the birth certificate office. Where we were told to make sure we turn the form in before leaving the hospital (DUH!) and to check the box to start the process for applying for the social security number. Throughout the tour we saw three or four mom's being rolled out with there baby & belongings. It was so sweet. Although I do plan on having my hair done and wearing a minimal amount of make-up...that's gonna be me! It was another stop, think and realize moment. This is really happening and when I push the nerves aside, I know that I'm ready.

Oh, one other fun thing we covered were pictures. If you know me then you know I'm all about the pictures. So before you take that stroll to the curb you'll have a chance to have some photos taken and put on anything from a ceramic bootie to a handbag. I pretty much fell in love with everything.

twenty-nine days to go! XOXO

The Home Stretch

2009-11-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

Today marks thirty days to go. Or possibly less. I think it'd be great to have a Thanksgiving baby...lol :) This week my weekly visits to the dr's start too. I'm hoping this means time is going to start flying by. Something tells me that isn't the case considering all last week I couldn't wait for it to be this week and although it's finally here I won't hold my breath.

In other good news I've got a crib & stroller waiting for me to pick-up from Wal-Mart. AH, gotta love procrastination. (PS-I can't even begin to tell you how many ideas and plans I've gone through. I absolutely love what I've decided on but I guess part of the process is falling in love with every picture of a nursery you see.) I saw the e-mail last night and if I could have had it my way we would have jumped in the car and got it. But alas, it was a no-go. With all the gifts I STILL need to unpack and put away my time was definitely better used putting a dent in all of that. I'm nowhere near done but I'm supposed to be entering this nesting phase, so I'll continue at the speed I'm at until either that happens or I talk my mom into it.

really just a month? YIKES! XOXO

Blogging to win...

2009-11-06T13:06:00.000-08:00

Here are some contests I'm entering. From @theshoppingmama via twitter. Part of the entry process includes blogging about them. Crossing my fingers for a win!

1. Boon Flair High Chair

Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/11/boonflairhighchairgiveaway/ & here's the link to the company who makes the fabulous high chair: http://www.booninc.com/

2. Boppy Pillow

Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/10/boppy-pillow-a-must-have-baby-product-all-about-baby-giveaway/ & here's the link to the company that makes the fabulous pillow: http://www.boppy.com/

3. Medela Freesyle Breastpump

Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/10/medela-freestyle-breastpump-all-about-baby-giveaway/ & here's the link to the awesome breastpump: http://www.medelafreestyle.com/

4. Beaba Babycook
Here's the link on how to enter: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/11/beabababycookgiveaway/ & here's the link to the company:http://scandanavianchild.com/ & here's how to make babyfood: http://theshoppingmama.com/2009/07/howtomakebabyfood/

You can enter and win too. Good Luck!

Cue the Trumpets!

2009-11-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Although it appears that I fell of the grid today marks my triumphant return (insert fanfare). I'm officially back! I know you missed me...

Its been fifteen weeks and three days. I. Know. Horrible. But after some re-vamping and the inspiration of other mom bloggers I'm glad to just be back to narrating the going's on and happening's. To catch you up, the short version goes something like this: I was twenty weeks pregnant moving ever so slowly through my second trimester. Today I'm at thirty-five weeks, nearing the end of my third trimester and just a matter of weeks from the delivery of my precious baby girl. In the midst of having a very special friendship fall apart I found solidarity in another one. I've come to absolutely cherish my mother and our relationship. Without her this would be a very different experience. I've found strength in my tears and faith in knowing I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and have let go of needing to understand why. I'm finally enjoying it. All of it: uncomfortable sleep, middle of the night leg cramps, being unable to take cold or allergy medicine, limited bending capabilities, and then ofcourse there is wrestling with my emotions. I've felt it all and at this juncture I'm pretty sure I've said it all too.

I'm happy being me. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm vain. Conscious of packing on the pregnancy lbs. Only twenty-nine pounds so far & I was recently told I only look four or five months along (all I can say is THANK YOU MOM!) I'm constantly reading. I've managed to get around the inevitable pregnancy side effects like drinking tons of h20 to avoid swollen feet. FYI-I made it this far minus any swelling :) Competitiveness comes naturally. I plan and organize to an extent that makes sense to few. This is the way I always knew I'd be.

thirty-three days to go! XOXO

A Good Laugh

2009-07-21T14:07:00.001-07:00

I was in the car this morning and listening to the radio. There was a person on the show who recently gave birth and they used to play this song in her honor, it was hilarious! Of course I had to look up the lyrics and share:

Pregnant Women are Smug

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they're pregnant

Effing son of a gun

You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps

Now that you're pregnant

I can't count all the ways how

You speak in cliches now

Riki: So, do you want a boy or a girl?

Kate: Oh, doesn't matter as long as it's healthy

Riki: Really? 'Cause I don't feel that those two things are related. It's not like one or the other.

Kate: Oh, really, as long as it's healthy.

I can't wait to hear someone say

"Don't care if it's brain dead

Don't care if it's limbless

If it has a penis"

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they're pregnant

This zen world you're enjoying

Makes you really annoying

Riki: So, is it a boy or girl?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Riki: What you're gonna name it?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Riki: Who's the father?

Kate: Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Bitch, I don't really care

I was being polite

Since you have no life now

That you're pregnant

You say you're walking on air

You think that you're glowing

But you've been ho'ing

And now your pregnant

You're just giving birth now

You're not mother earth now

Riki: Oh my gosh, I've got so much going on. I got my novel published, I moved, I got married.

Kate: Gosh, you know, everything seems so trivial now that I'm pregnant.

Riki: Well, I also helped end gang violence in Mexico when...

Kate: You know, I can't even remember what I did before I was pregnant. Everything else seems so meaningless.

Pregnant women are smug

Everyone knows it, nobody says it

Because they're pregnant

Effing son of a gun

You think you're so deep now, you give me the creeps now

Now that you're pregnant

A Light Bulb Moment

2009-07-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Being pregnant has given me the opportunity to not only get to know myself in a new way but take a closer look at the important relationships in my life. They say it takes a village to raise a child and boy do I get it now. I'm so absolutely privileged to have the people that are a part of my life. It's truly how I've learned that it's about the length of time you've known someone it's about the quality of time you've shared with them, two of the most special people in my life I haven't known more than a year and one of them is going to have one of the coveted positions of god mother. Then there are people who I've known for years, for instance my best friend. Recently, there's been a distance between us and it spawns from my pregnancy. It's really shown me things I didn't know about myself. For one, if you mess with my child you mess with me (suppose those are the maternal instincts kicking in...lol). I've adopted an "either your with me or against me" mentality and thus far haven't looked back. I think for the first time I'm taking a stand for what I believe in and I'm making no apologies for it. It feels good but I see that not everything is as black & white as I treat it. It wasn't until we spoke recently that I realized how much I missed her and how much she had missed in the past few months of my pregnancy. Up until then I just couldn't see past my hurt feelings. I'm looking forward to reconnecting and having be a part of this crazy time. I have another friend one I think I actually hurt. She's someone for the longest I considered my best friend. We've shared a lot together. But it took me a very long time to see that we placed different value on our friendship. We spent time alienated from one anothers lives but somehow have managed to find a way to bond again. I missed a special moment that she actually wanted me to be a part of. I think most of the reason I'm surprised by that is because I've accepted that maybe our friendship wasn't everything I defined it as. I felt incredibly bad because it wasn't purposeful it really was an accident. I hope in time she'll forgive me and we'll continue to share in the experience of soon to be motherhood together.

I couldn't possibly end this without speaking about the most important person of all...my mom. I'd be lying if I said the beginning of my pregnancy wasn't rocky between the two of us. But I can say that being able to communicate and listen as allowed us to strengthen our bond. I know unequivocally that she loves me and is there for me. We recently had a heart-to-heart and she understood me in a way that I didn't even understand myself. It was amazing! She's my rock and I'm incredibly lucky to have her support and love.

PS-sending love to rebecca, tracy, candace & kyi....love you girls!

mommy to be. XOXO

Drumroll Please...

2009-07-20T05:43:00.001-07:00

I found out last week that I'll be having a....GIRL! I'm so incredibly positively excited. My baby girl is on the way! I went to visit another doctor not really sure under what pretense, oh how I love being in the loop. Not too long into the visit I figured out why I was actually there. I have hydrocephalus, which basically means that the fluid around my brain at one time was causing pressure and close to unbearable pain. So I have a shunt which is a tube that drains out the fluid and I haven't had a problem since. The thing is it's usually something that can be caught at birth. In my case I suffered some sort of trauma that started this and it wasn't until I was twenty-three that it started to hurt & that's when I had the surgery, so that was one thing they wanted to check. On my last visit with my doctor I had blood work done to check for down syndrome and other possible defects the baby could be born with. They told me that if I didn't hear from them that everything was normal. Well the good news is I didn't hear back from them and at my appointment the doctor told me that my results were normal! Before the doctor came in to see me the ultrasound tech measured all her limbs and checked her weight. While she was trying to do that it was amazing to see how much moving she was doing in there. It was so funny! I couldn't believe this tiny little person (PS-she's only like ten ounces) was twisting and turning in there. I'm also not sure how all that's going to feel once I can actually feel it...lol! But when the doctor came in to check her spine, heart and skull she had gotten cozy in one particular position. He said that was pretty normal and she might not move for a day or two so after trying to coax her to move he eventually gave up and told me that I would have to return so that he could be positive there was nothing to be alarmed about. So until then I'm optimistically cautious....

mommy to be. XOXO

Welcome to the Motherhood Club

2009-07-09T05:47:00.001-07:00

It's a rare occasion that I'm home to watch Oprah but, last Friday I found myself in that position (thanks to the 4th of July holiday). It couldn't have been a better a better topic. It was tackling the truth about of motherhood (here's the link: http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090311-tows-mom-truth). Ding, Ding, Ding....FINALLY! I don't have a "mom support group" at the moment. Although early on I realized the undeniable benefit this will serve in my life I'm still in the putting together stages (i.e. is there a step prior to brainstorming because that's where I'm on it).

The show featured two women who were mom's, BFF's and authors. There books have clever titles such as: I Was a Really Good Mom before I Had Kids and Dirty Little Secrets of Otherwise Perfect Moms. Both of which I have ordered (reading a pregnant gal's newest favorite hobby). Here is some more on them: http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090311-tows-mom-truth/9
It was an open and honest discussion about motherhood, it was extremely enlightening. My light bulb moment came when I realized the image of perfection I'm chasing. I feel pressure to be "perfect", it's self imposed and apparently not very realistic. I guess for me there is an image I've always had of the type of mother I would be and it's beginning stages of showing itself. I guess I've always seen it in black or white terms either I'm the best or I'm a failure, and there is no room for adjusting or tweaking as may be needed. I want to be able to do it all, make dinner and get a good nights sleep, and some nights that just may not be the case. As I go through my pregnancy I am surprised at how much better I am at going with the flow, being less high-maintenance and not letting other peoples opinion weigh on the plan I'm setting into motion.

I also think some of my chase for perfection comes from doing it alone. If it's just going to be me then I've got to be the best version of me as a mom that I can be. I feel like there are some people who look at me like there sorry for me, like there is no way they could imagine having to go through what I am. For instance, when I was catching up with a friend (also pregnant) of mine she said, "I'm just sorry you don't have a John" (i.e. her husband). Okay. Wait a minute. Seriously? I'm not sorry and it's in moments like this where I'm able to find strength. It's also not surprisingly when my competitive spirit grabs a hold of me, what can I say? I can't help it. I also don't want to be looked down on or pitied. Although I've yet to achieve the things I want career wise, I am well on my way and just became the proud owner of a new extra push...my baby. I tend to lean toward thinking my take no prisoner's attitude will serve us just fine.

Here's to finding perfection in my imperfection....

(http://www.justintimberlake.com/news/fairytale_reality_bites)

mommy to be. XOXO

Happy Father's Day...Mom

2009-06-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up Sunday saddened by the thought that this time next year my future son or daughter won't have a father around to lavish love & a gift bought by mom on. The inevitable "dad conversation" is something that's hard not to think about. Being the best mom possible may not be enough to fill what could possibly be an unavoidable hole. In my own experience, I love my father. I think he's a jerk but nonetheless, I love him. In his absence I saw my mother work her ass off to support me and my siblings. And that's the example that drives me to be the best me that I can possibly be. It can be done.

Through the course of the day I came across this article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/article.aspx?cp-documentid=20440872&GT1=32001. I chalk it up to a new version of the blame game. Here's the thing I don't see myself anywhere in it. I tend to lean more towards taking these situations on a case by case basis. Everyone and there circumstance are different. Here are my thoughts:

My child has one father. I know who he is, he knows who he is and one day my son/daughter will know. I've never been a fan of women who push the "dad" title on men who one aren't the father and two exhibit no qualities of a man that would be. Just because your dating some dude doesn't mean he's worthy of being called dad. What happens when the relationship is over? What kind of example is that setting, especially for our girls that will grow to be women? I myself have seen it first hand. My nieces mother played that daddy nonsense with my brother and her older son (that was from a previous relationship). He was fully aware of who his dad was and I don't think he wanted to call my brother dad but did because that's what his mom wanted him to do.
I would agree with the belief that courts tend to lean toward giving custody to mom over dad. And no not every single mother who enters a court room is necessarily the better pick over dad. But for who knows how long men have chose to walk out of the life of both mother and baby upon finding out she was pregnant. Take myself for example, case and point. I'll be the first to admit that we weren't in a relationship but that doesn't make it okay to exit stage right. It's called responsibility.

I can say that I think the blame game needs to come to a quick and abrupt end. As adults we know how babies are made and if the necessary precautions aren't taken the results are life changing, in the shape of a pregnancy (or worse an STD).

mommy to be. XOXO

Effortless Tears

2009-06-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling incredibly emotional, it's manifesting itself in tears. Normally the last thing I'd think about is sharing it with the world (i.e. the four people who read this regularly...lol). But if my purpose is narrate all of this...smiles, frowns and all; thus far, I'm guilty of leaving out a significant chunk of happenings'.

Maybe it can just be chalked up to "one of those days." I was dragging this morning. It's been a few weeks since I hit the snooze so many times. In an effort to be more healthy I packed my lunch which also ate up valuable minutes. I usually watch the news on channel 2 (I totally have a crush on Ryan Young.) but I can stay up on how traffic and such is going until they inevitably start the circle over again by re-hashing everything they just did right before they cut to commercial. I missed all that this morning. The end of the story is me ending up at work at 9:30 as opposed to my intended start time at 8:00. There were no shortcuts to take. Everywhere I turned there was a sea of brake lights. Luckily, my GPS was able to get me around 285 and on to 75 it just took two hours. So there's that. Next, would be that I'm hungry. I don't know what's going on but within the last week or so my appetite is out of control. I didn't eat before I left because I planned on eating the yogurt I have here at work. Well by the time that happened it was less than satisfying. To be honest all I could think about was how a Krispy Kreme doughnut would make it all better. Horrible. True. And insanely hilarious!

And all of that would bring me to the moment the tears came. As I settle into the day and make my to do list I did my usual social network browsing and saw a picture that opened the flood gates. It honestly just made me sad. I wasn't there. In the pictures part of the memories. It also brought up the extreme amount of pressure I feel with regards to having to raise money for the breast cancer 3-day. I feel overwhelmed by it. I wish there was a way to bow out gracefully but there isn't. It's a commitment I made and am being held to. One way or another $2300 will be my contribution to the fight against breast cancer. I just need to get the ball rolling but sometimes it's hard to find the energy it's all requiring of me.

Wooooo-ssssaaaaaaaahhhhhh.....I'm still hungry. I think I'm going to eat my lunch. Maybe I should start bringing two lunches?! Can you just feel the weight gain, I can!

mommy to be. XOXO